Week 5 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
13 Miles West of Gods Country AKA Arrowhead Stadium 

WEEK 5 POWER RANKINGS

Week 4 of the KSFBFFL league is in the books and we are starting to see the bottom fall out on a couple of teams. After a run of bridesmaid dresses the PV PC Police have struggled to make any arrests so far this year putting up a measly 70.5 points per game en route to an 0-4 record. Not far behind them are the hapless Puff Puff Passes at 1-3 who have yet to break 100 pts. But what do we make of the Texas Dawgs? After starting 0-3 and trading away their 2 best players the dog put up a record 149 points last week! Will GM Dawg Murphy ditch the rebuilding process and try to win now? Keep reading for the answer!

1. Huge Ditkas (3-1) – The Ditkas lead the league in points so far this year and handed the Killers their first loss of the year last week behind a 35 pt performance from Kamara. Despite the hot start fans in the Windy City are taking a wait and see approach after last season’s hot start fizzled out in December. GM Button Settle says this year is different “Our QB1 is just starting to find his groove and as long as Kamara stays healthy we will be in a great position come playoff season. If Larry Legend doesn’t pick it up these next couple of weeks he will need to find himself a new home”. Look for Kamara to come back to earth now that Ingram is back from his PED Suspension.

2. Deadbeat Darryls (3-1) – The Darryl’s are the talk of Lake Lottowana after their 3-1 start despite #1 overall pick Dalvin Cook’s poor start. I reached out Charles Walker who was recently named assistant quality control coordinator and asked just how high the ceiling is on this team if Dalvin can return to form, “HIGH” he said then pointed to his sippy cup “Boom Boom BANG, MY PLAYERS”.  As long as Patty Mahomes is slinging the rock like a cross between Elway/Farve/Brady the Darryls will be in the hunt for the martin.

3. Keckism Killers (3-1) – A week 4 thrashing at the hands of the Ditkas ruined the Killers hope for an undefeated season but to Coach Aces Stanley it was a blessing in disguise. “I don’t want my players focusing on things like that, let the fake news media speculate on teams greatness, we just need to win, just win baby”. If RB Jordan Howard keeps ceding touches to Tarik Cohen the Killers will need another miraculous stretch from Gurley to win back to back titles.

4. Raytown MonStars (2-2) – “We just kept plugging away, getting a little better every day” Coach Lady said when asked about the teams recent 2 game win streak to bring them back to .500. Despite a combined 10 Points from Drake/Evans/Stills the MonStars had their best showing on the year last week in a 130-89 Beatdown of the Cobbs. If Josh Gordon can get in Rhythm with Touchdown Tom the MonStars could be hoisting The Martin from the summit of Moron Mountain.

5. Kaibob Kangol Krew (3-1) – QB Drama in the desert? GM Keene Cheese has been getting an earful from Fans about replacing Aaron Rodgers with Matt Ryan and has his own theories about Rodgers slow start “Its that dam woman Danica Patrick” He grumbled. “She’s like a STD that affects your performance. Look at Ricky Stenhouse JR, a real up and comer until he and Danica Started knocking boots. Now it’s a miracle if he can actually finish a race with an intact car. Same thing is going on with Rodgers right now and Matty Ice has definitely earned himself a look at the starting job”

6. Slob on my Cobb (2-2) – “We have not seen the return we Expected from the players we acquired” coach Tuck Tucker said about his recent acquisition of Gronk/Zeke/Lynch. Some asshole Cobb fans are blaming the arrival of tiny lil adorable baby drake for the Cobbs recent 2 game slide and coach Tucker doesn’t deny it “I’m getting hazed by my own blood here, the sleep deprivation is real”.

7. Farve Dollar Footlongs (2-2) –  The Footlongs lost a heartbreaker last week to the arch-rival Firechiefs but have an easy rebound game this week against the winless PV PC Police and GM Sven Murphy is feeling cocky. “The local boys are back from their bye and Edelman will be inserted into the line up” The Jovial Fat Man Murphy said “Lets just say we don’t expect to get pulled over by the Police this weekend, hehehehehehe”

8. I Touchdown There (2-2) – After a hot 2-0 start the Touchdowns have slid back to their rightful place of being mired in mediocrity but GM Mike Gomez isn’t concerned “Its been a rough couple of weeks. No urgency though, just have to keep the bus moving”.

9. The Firechiefs (2-2) – Despite a 2-2 record thanks to 2 consecutive wins Firechief fans and beat reporters have been critical of Coach Van Kueser’s roster selection but coach doesn’t care “We honestly don’t care if we are respected by the media or not. The main thing here is that we are 2-2 without 2 of our best players, LeVeon and Devonta Freeman. We will get both back in a matter of weeks and believe we will be right in the thick of things”. Firechief faithful hope he is right as the team needs a lot of help, only 2 players scored in double digits during last weeks win vs the Footlongs.

10. Puff Puff Pass (1-3) – “Its been a rough start to the season, no one to blame but Management” Coach Puff explained “Things won’t get any easier this week against the powerhouse MonStars and if we lose it will be time to build towards a successful season in 2019”.

11. Texas Dawgs (1-3) – The Dawgs came out of nowhere last week and shocked the Puffs with a 149 pt performance. After trading 3 of their best players for draft picks some Dawg fans are having buyers remorse and dreaming about what could have been this season. Will GM Dawg Murphy seize on this momentum and make move to win in 2018? “We are sticking to our strategy of playing for the future” GM Dawg said, “We are sellers and Villains this year, the dawgs will enjoy playing the spoiler role the rest of the year”

    

1. Prairie Village PC Police (0-4) – It looks to be a dreary fall in Prairie Village this year as the PC Police are struggling to put fans in the seat. I reached out to PC Police super fan Darnell McDermot for his take on the teams struggle “I’ll tell you what, that dam playboy owner McKinney has lost his Mojo ever since he decided to get hitched. And during the middle of the season?!? Come on!”. BWKNBNC reached out to GM Pearce Wilson and asked if his upcoming nuptials have negatively effected his team “That’s not true. We knew this could be a rebuilding year after dealing several draft picks last season during the playoff push. We think the talent on our team is better than our record indicates but the fans expect to win every year”.