140 Miles East of Gods Country
FOOTLONGS ARE NUMBER 1!
Footlongs Coach Steve Murphy is knows to spend hours on his throne developing a game plan.
1. Farve Dollar Footlongs
(8-3) – Things are looking up in the Carolina’s where Christopher McCaffrey
has led the Footlongs to a 8-3 record and a 116-79 shellacking of the Dawgs
last week. GM Sven Murphy is feeling confident and believes this is his best team
since the Taints won it all in 2012 “Barring
any major setbacks we are confident we will lock up the 2 seed. However we are
resting our young gunslinger Lil Kyler Murphy this weekend in preparation of a
deep playoff run. Coach Charlie believes this team is catching fire at the
right time and wanted me to pass along this message (Humps favorite stuffed
animal)”. Their next 2 game are against losing teams so the first round bye
is a real possibility.
2. PV Leg Hounds (9-2)
– The Leg Hounds still lead the league in total points but seem to have lost a
step from how they started the season. We caught up the Leg Hounds shirtless Team
President Pearce McKinney as he was washing his truck and asked him about the
slowdown in production “It’s Fake News”
He said while lathering the bubbly soap up and down the rock hard hood of his big
manly truck “We expect to lock up a first
round bye and Danger Russ will bring The Martin to Prairie Village”. The
Leg Hounds face some stiff competition this week as they play the Gartner
Snakes but McKinney insists he knows his way around stiff snakes and shouldn’t have
any difficulty “Absorbing” the Snake’s best shot.
3. NE JoCo Garter Snakes
(7-4) – After vanquishing their bitter rival the Touchdowns last week the Garter
Snakes are on a 4 game winning streak behind the legs of Lamar Jackson. With a
big matchup this week against the Leg Hounds GM Ben Keck is ready to pull out
all the stops. “Look, we put up 97 points last week with two top 10 running backs on
bye” Keck said between spits of Tobacco Juice “This McKinney guy and his leg hounds? We aren’t worried about them, Lady
takes shits bigger than their mascot Lil Lola. Look for the Garter Snakes to
strangle the Leg Hounds run game and win 128-95”. Bold words by a great
looking GM.
4. I Touchdown There
(8-3) – The Touchdowns were atop the power rankings earlier in the year but
have hit a rough patch averaging 72 points per game and going 1-2 in their last
3 matchups. “We’ve let a couple of games
slip away and I’m not happy about that” Coach Brungy said shaking his head
in disgust “We need to have a good week of
practice and finish strong over the next 2 weeks to bring some momentum into
the playoffs. To encourage our team to practice harder I will be providing free
sonic drinks after each good practice”.
With 2 bottom feeders coming up to finish out the season the Touchdowns
are still in a good position to lock up a first round bye.
5. Roughing The Kooch
(6-4-1) – Some experienced owners were licking their chops at the thought new
owner Scott Harris joining the KSFBFFL but the Playboy Owner from the Pacific
Northwest has proven he belongs with the big boys. We reached out to Scott
Harris for his thoughts “The Kooch’s are
looking forward to the playoffs. This GIF is the rest of the comment”
6. Keckism Killers (5-5-1)
– The Keckism Killers have quietly worked their way into position to be the 6th
seed in the playoffs but face a tough matchup against the Kooch’s this week. We
sat down next to Coach Aces Stanley at the poker table and asked for his
thoughts “Look man. I auto drafted my
team, lost 3 of my first 4 games and traded 2 of my best players for draft
picks but here I am holding down the 6th playoff spot. Just goes to
show you how shitty a lot of these other owners are. We can lose to the Kooch’s,
beat the deadbeats and still make the playoffs as long as the Puff’s and Dawgs both
lose once”
7. Texas Dawgs (5-6)
– After spending the 2018 season tanking for draft picks and then trading 5th/6th/11th
rounds picks next year the Dawgs were expecting to be contenders this year. Thigs
were looking up after a 3-1 start but a recent 3 game slide has pushed them
past their breaking point and we are hearing rumors that Coach Matt Murphy struck
a player at halftime of their game on Sunday “I got upset at halftime and lost my cool with the players then booked
a one way flight to Tahiti that left yesterday” Coach Murphy said “I’m
gone, players are on their own. We exchanged some choice words and I might of
even punched Greg Zuirlien, its all a blur. I’ll be watching the team the next
couple of weeks but those fellas are on their own. I’ll be back next year with
a new roster and until then My son Dean will be coaching the team”
8. Puff Puff Pass (5-6)
– The Puffs are still hanging around the playoff picture and could sneak in as
a 6 seed if they win their next 2 games against the Footlongs and Firechiefs.
Here with a comment is Puff’s coach Adrian Meyers “Amari Cooper and Michael Thomas are outscoring Davante Adams every
week. This was Steve’s best chance to win the Martin but he is a piss poor
manager and screwed the pooch”. Wow, strong words from a gentle lady, lets
see if the Puff’s can back up their talk on the field this week against the
Footlongs.
9. Deadbeat Darryls (4-7)
– Residents of Lake Lottawanna are getting antsy as it looks like the Darryls will
miss the playoffs for a 3rd straight year. The Chairman of the
Deadbeat Darryls fan club, Byron Moore, was recently seen running over his
Darryls Jersey with his Pontiac Grand Am. When we asked him why he would do
such a thing he pulled out his wallet and said “Look in here buddy, you see that cash? I piss excellence in the
morning and hate that I have to cheer for a losing team. I can buy 50 more of
these Jerseys if I want but I’m not spending another dime until the Darryls
start winning”. Will the Darryls make moves to shake up their coaching
staff once the season is over?
10. Slobb On My Cobb
(4-7) – The Cobbs are in rebuilding mode and playing for next season which
has the fans in Falcon Ridge unhappy. We caught up with Cobb Superfan Todd Stanley
on the golf course and got his take “Its
fucking bullshit” he muttered “When
the Cobbs relocated to Falcon Ridge we were expecting the team that won 2
straight KSFBFFL Titles but that’s not what we got. They pissed away a shot at The
Martin last year and now GM Tucker Trupka is jetting off to the Caribbean in
the middle of the season instead of trying to win games.”
11. Huge Ditkas (4-7)
– Some people say the high of winning The Martin can last a lifetime but that
has not been the case for Button Settle and the Ditkas who have lost 5 of their
last 6 games. I ran into Button at a local watering hole with his head resting on
the bar surrounded by empty PBR cans so I asked him if he was going to finish
the season strong for his fans “I expect
to finish this season like I’ve finished the last couple of games. Alone with an
empty bottle of McCormicks in my hand and a melted candle on my nightstand”.
You hate to see it but I can understand where he is coming from.
