Week 3 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

KSFBFFL WEEK 3 POWER RANKINGS

1. Mississippi Leg Hounds 2-0 – The Leg Hounds of Prairie Village are lighting up scoreboards this year averaging 123 points per game and that has Playboy Owner Pearce McKinney all hot and bothered “The Leg Hounds are feeling extremely optimistic about their hot start. If we can stay healthy I think it could be our year to cradle The Martin” McKinney said while slowly stroking his cat Ursala.
2. NE JoCo Garter Snakes 2-0 – The snakes have managed to stay undefeated despite piss poor QB play from Scam Newton. “Cam’s production has been disappointing so far this year” Head ball coach Ben Keck said while flexing shirtless into the mirror “Luckily for Garter Snake fans we have a young guy named Lamar Jackson who has been tearing it up and will be getting the start next week”.
3. Farve Dollar Footlongs 1-1 – 37 Points from the Patriots Defense??!?! Some pundits are saying these team is all smoke and mirrors and GM Sven Murphy agrees that some changes need to be made after a tough loss to the Touchdowns “Head Coach Charlie Murphy has now assumed play calling duties and co-GM Sinnikka Murphy has been stripped of all duties until she gains more experience” Murphy whispered “Now if you will excuse me its time for Sinnikka’s nightly foot massage and I cant be late”
4. Slobb On My Cobb 1-1 – Never doubt a proven GM like Jenny Trupka. A big win last week against the reeling dawgs has put the league on notice that the Cobbs expect another playoff season. “Zeke has really stepped up as a leader this year but its never too early to make a deal and everyone is for sale at the right price”  She said after putting tiny lil baby drake down in his crib. Could the Cobbs be looking to sell already? What?
5. Deadbeat Darryls 1-1 – Patrick Mahomes is going to put up video game numbers all season long and the Darryls will ride him harder than Kilmer rode Mox. “Boy needs to learn some toughness, tough love is still love” Coach Wayne said between spits of tobacco juice.
6. Texas Dawgs 1-1 – After a dominating week 1 performance the Dawgs put up a turd in Week 2 and may have lost RB James Conner for an extended amount of time. Will GM Pooch Murphy go into gunslinger mode and start making deals? “We are underperforming and need to figure out our TE position” Pooch said while drinking an old fashioned and smoking a black and mild.
7. Roughing The Kooch 1-1 – We caught up with first year coach Scotty Harris while he was watching his servant polish his yacht after getting shellacked by the Leg Hounds last week and he hopes to bounce back this week against Footlongs. “We are feeling good about our team despite the loss to the hounds and are looking at the bigger picture. Seasons are won and lost on the waiver wire so expect some transactions this week” he said before he started throwing silver dollars at homeless people.
8. Huge Ditkas 1-1 – A big win in week 2 against the Puff’s shows that the Ditkas are not ready to give up the Martin just yet. The big question is whether Kamara can keep his production up while Drew Bree’s is injured. “An easy win this week helped us gel and gave us confidence that we can be a contender again this year” defending champion Matt Settle said before going back to his game of blackjack.
9. I Touchdown There 1-1  – Coach Mike Gomez jetted off to Hawaii before the game last week and his team seemed to respond positively with a come back win against the footlongs.  He phoned into the weekly conference call with some insight “You know, I’m really not that great at this whole fantasy football things so I’m basically going to put it on AutoPilot and see what happens…That’s all I have to say, gotta run to Sonic!”
10. Keckism Killers 0-2 – You are starting Oaklands Backup RB….You are lucky to be ranked this high. Here is GM Aces Stanely in his own words (while chugging mountain dew) “We are not a good team”
11. Puff Puff Pass 1-1  – What the hell was that? After a 104pt week 1 showing the Puff’s put up a paltry 47 pts in week 2. With Drew Bree’s out for most of the season it may be time for Coach Meyers to start planning for next season “Terrible performance in week 2, long road ahead for the Puffs and our first priority is to figure out our QB situation” the coach said while eating a bag of Doritos.
12. The Firechefs 0-2 – At least you have some trade bait I guess? We knocked on the door of Head Coach Justin Van Heche for a comment but he just closed the blinds and pretended he wasn’t home.

2019 Season Preview / Week 1 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

2019 KSFBFFL SEASON PREVIEW

(A group of KSBFFL Owners enjoy a leisurely boat ride 1 day before the draft)

First of all I would like to congratulate all the owners of the KSFBFFL for paying their dues before the season started. This year is a special season for the KSFBFFL as we celebrate the 10 year anniversary of the league. Before we preview our upcoming season lets take a moment to recognize our past champions. 

2009 - NE JoCo Garter Snakes (Ben Keck)
2010 - ***VACATED DUE TO TERRORIST ATTACK**
2011 - Turrible Tabernacle (Keane Cheese) - Franchise is now Roughing the Kooch
2012 - 50 Shades of Taint (Sven Murphy)
2013- The Firechiefs (Justin Van Heche)
2014 - Slobb On My Cobb (Tristan Trupka)
2015 - Slobb On My Cobb (Tristan Trupka) 
2016 - My Lucky Tate (Casey Wayne Walker)
2017 - Keckism Killers (Jason Stanley)
2018 - Huge Ditkas (Matt Settle)

Before we get to the power rankings lets hear from a representative of each team about how they are feeling about the upcoming season. 

Texas Dawgs Owner Matt Murphy – “Excited about the whole squad but I think we have the best running back trio and when you add a healthy Watson it’s a scary team. There’s really no weakness and there is some added depth which we haven’t had in recent memory. I’m predicting an 11-2 regular season and the #1 seed.”

Mississippi Leg Hounds assistant GM Pearce McKinney – “We feel really good about our teams talent and depth. I think we are a preseason Martin contender and should be favored nearly every game this season.”

Puff Puff Pass super fan Austin Meyers  – “We think this is the best team the puffs have put together since entering the league. We have lacked solid RB’s in the past but are feeling good this year and expecting at least an 8-5 regular season. Ironically team tight end could use some better tight ends, still work to be done.”

FireChefs GM Brooke Van Heche – “The draft didn’t fall quite like we wanted it to. That being said we think we are set to finish around .500 and squeak into the playoffs where anything can happen. Look for Darrel Guice to breakout this year and be a top 10 back.”

Slobb On My Cobb VP of Player Personnel Tucker Trupka – “We knew going in this was a rebuilding year so we drafted the roster accordingly. Zeke is very close to a deal with the Cobb’s and will be a factor in week 1. Considering where we are at today, 7-6 and squeaking into the playoffs is going to be our goal this year. Talk to anyone but the Ditka’s and you will understand the Cobb’s are a formidable opponent in the month of December.”

Huge Ditka’s GM Matt “Button” Settles – “The Ditkas have some fresh faces this year and are excited about our young talent and 60 year old Kicker. We are ready to defend the Martin and have another stellar season.”

Keckism Killers owner Boo Boo Stanley – “Heeeeyyyy Benjamin”

NE JoCo Garter Snakes Coach Lady – “WOOF, WOOF WOOF BARK, BARK BARK WOOF (We’re the best, forever, nothing ever going to hold us back)”

Farve Dollar Footlongs Co-Owner Sinnika Murphy – “My husband told me that Damien Williams was a steal in the 3^rd round but I’m pretty sure that Shady McCoy is going to steal a lot of his touches. I think we should add some more depth and pickup Terrel Owens if he is still available, would definitely help us to 13-0”

Roughing the Pooches Coach Scott Harris – “Mr. Keck. My media team will contact you when I’m not so intoxicated” (His media team never reached out)

I Touchdown There Assistant Water Boy Mike Brungy – "The Touchdownsare feeling very good about this season. We finally have all the pieces in place for a deep run. Look out for Nick Chubb this year, he has a chip on his shoulder after hearing Kareem may take over after his suspension. I'm conservatively predicting a 10-3 record for us this year"

Deadbeat Darryls season ticket holder Chuck Walker – “We ride and die with my guy Mahomes. If Fournette can put together a decent season and David Montgomery has the breakout year we are expecting there is no reason we cant go 10-3 and make a run at The Martin.

1. Huge Ditkas – To be the best you have to beat the best so the Ditka’s start off the year on top. Unfortunately for them I don’t see much Talent on their roster besides Kamara.
2. Texas Dawgs - The Dawgs finally learned how to acquire draft picks instead of trading them and have what some are calling the best backfield in the league with Watson/Gurley/Conner/Freeman. 
3. NE JoCo Garter Snakes – If Dalvin Cook and Cameron Newton stay healthy this team will be a force to be reckoned with in December.
4. Mississippi Leg Hounds – The Leghounds are primed for a bounceback season on the back on Kelce and David Johnson.
5. Deadbeat Darryls – If Mahomes performs like he is expected (60 TD’s 6,000yds) this team will win the Martin.
6. The Firechefs – Rumor has it coach Van Heche is moving to New England this season to camp outside of Josh Gordons house to keep him away from the weed.
7. I Touchdown There – Look for Tyreek to stay out of trouble and keep this team in the playoff picture.
8. Puff Puff Pass – Team Tight End is now Team QB with 3 currently on the roster (Bree’s/Rapelisberger/Trubisky). If Drake and Bell stay healthy this is a playoff team.
9. Farve Dollar Footlongs – Would not surprise me is Christian McCaffrey is on the trading block by week 4.
10. Keckism Killers – Auto Draft? Does he even care?
11. Slobb On My Cobb – Team Boom or Bust is looking like a bust right now but never count out a seasoned owner like Jenny Trupka.
12. Roughing The Kooch - The Kooches inaugural season in the KSFBFFL may be a rough one but at least it won't be as rough as the time owner Scott Harris got punched in the face by a girl then convinced Justin and I that he got jumped and then we went over to fight them but found out scott walked into the wrong house and tried to kick everyone out which led to him getting punched in the face by a girl. 

Interview With New Owner Scott Harris

Ben Ji
130 Miles East of Gods Country

BWKNBNC EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Scott Harris

Scott Harris (Middle in sailor cosplay outfit) enjoys a cold beverage

1. I noticed you are domiciled in the state of Oregon but your team is located in Salt Lake City. Do you have any plans on relocating and renaming the Polygamy Pounders? 

Yes, after procuring the Pounders from their previous owner, I’ve decided to move the team to Corvallis, OR. We love the fans of Salt Lake, but with the move out of Utah we felt it was appropriate to change the name (having more than one wife sounds horrible anyways). We are proud to announce that our new team name is “Roughing the Kooch”. This name plays into the traditions of Fantasy Football but is also an homage to the late Miami guard. 

2. Your Franchise is one of of only 8 franchises to win The Martin (2011), do you already feel superior to the Puffs(Austin), Touchdowns(Brungy), Leg Hounds(McKinney) and Dawgs(The Dawg)?

I’m still feeling out the pedigree of each team. With that said, we’ll see how the draft and week one goes before I start slinging mud. 

3. Rumor has it that much like The Mississippi Leg Hounds owner Pearce McWilson you are a "Playboy" owner who only cares about the status of owning a team in THE KSFBFFL. Is it true you will be in a different country during the draft? 

Fake news. Sometimes you have to mix business with pleasure while abroad. Lucky for me, owning the ‘Koochs is my pleasure. 

4. Do you have a particular strategy for your first KSFBFFL draft? 

I plan to consume large quantities of beer to shutdown the brain cells not associated with Fantasy Football in order to maximize focus. 

5. What does owning a franchise in THE KSFBFFL mean to you? 

It’s an honor to be on the same field as coaching legends such as Tristan Trupka, Ben Keck, and Jason Stanley, to name a few. So, as a K-State bro for life, I’m looking forward to the camaraderie amongst coach/owners. Make no mistake though, I’m here to claim The Martin and I look forward to accompanying her to a nice dinner followed by a powerful love making session.

6. Will Julie have any involvement with your team?

Roughing the Kooch is an organization which values diversity and inclusion. 

{....}

Is the mic off? Ok, ya, no way would I let that happen. 

7. Any additional comments about joining THE KSFBFFL? 

“Never show weakness, the only pain that matters is the pain you inflict.” -Coach Kilmer

Week 10 Power Rankings

WEEK 10 POWER RANKINGS

TRADE SUMMARY

Monstars acquired Aaron Jones from the PV Police for a 9th round pick. 

Monstars Acquired Phillip Lindsey from the Dawgs for a 7th round pick. 

Farve Dollar Footlongs acquired Eric Ebron and Matt Breida from the PV Police for a 6th round pick. 

Huge Ditkas acquired Antonio Brown from the PV Police for a 3rd round pick. 

Deadbeat Darryls acquired TJ Yeldon from the PV Police for a 5th or 9th round pick. If he gets 250 Touches it will be 5th. If not, 9th. 

Slob on my Cobbs acquired Gronk/Zeke/Lynch from the Texas Dawgs for a 2nd and 6th round pick. 

1. Huge Ditkas 7-2

The Ditkas continue to be the class of the league behind strong play from Kamara/Kelce/Brown. They currently lead the league in points and put up a league high 122 last week with stud RB Joe Mixon on the bench. Look for the Ditkas to continue their strong play and end the season with a 1^st round bye.

2. Raytown Monstars 6-3

Four straight wins have the MonStars sticking their chest out on top of Moron Mountiain. “We didn’t panic early this year after starting 2-3” GM and all around great looking/smelling guy Ben Keck said, “We stuck by the guys we drafted and have added a couple of auxiliary pieces to help during our championship run”. The Monstars have a tough end to the season with 3 games against 6-3 teams coming up.

3. Kaibob Kangol Krew 6-3

With 1 more month on their stadium lease in Phoenix the Krew have seen attendance dwindle but they keep on winning. Last week it was a 40 pt beatdown of the shelter pups and they have a chance to end the Puff’s season this week. If Julio and Theilen can both go off at the same time the Krew can take down any team in the league.

4. The Firechefs 6-3

Due to some pending felony charges GM Justin Van Heche was unable to answer the door on Halloween and instead locked himself in the basement to figure a way out of his self-inflicted salary cap hell. When he emerged from the basement he informed Brooke Van Heche that she was being let go as Assistant GM due to her poor use of the waiver wire salary cap “She took it alright I guess, its not like I was getting laid anyways. I had no choice! She picked up Ito for $50, sat him on the bench then waived him the next week!”

5. Deadbeat Darryls 5-4

The Deadbeat Darryls still have not paid their dues.

6. I Touchdown There 6-3

How are the Touchdowns 6-3? They are averaging about 10 less points per game than the other teams with the same record. The Touchdowns only face 2 more teams with winning records so they should still make the playoffs but expect a quick first round exit for the boys from McKinney TX.

7. Farve Dollar Footlongs 4-5

If the Touchdowns or Darryls stumble the Footlongs are waiting in the wings to take their playoff spot. “It hurts not being in complete control” Coach Sven Said “We need some help but I feel confident that if we win out then we will be in the playoffs. Big game this week against the Ditkas!”

8. Slobb on my cobb 4-5

(Cher Voice) iffffff I could turrrrnnn back time……That what ole tuck tuck has to be thinking about his week 3 trade for Gronk/Zeke/Lynch. After a hot 2-0 start the Cobbs mortgaged their future to win now but instead have gone 2-5 since the deal was completed. They are in the same spot as the Footlongs and need to win out to have a shot at the playoffs.

9. Puff Puff Pass 4-5

Waiting and watching in the wings The Puffs are technically still in the hunt but unless Touchdown Tom and Josh Gordon transform into the Brady/Moss circa 2007 it looks like they will miss the playoffs. 

10. Keckism Killers 3-6

At the start of the year BWKNBNC thought the Keckism Killers were the best team in the league for a second straight season....but then the wheels came off. After starting 3-0 the Killers have lost 6 straight and seen their fans turn on them. "Its freaking bullshit" Killers Super Fan Darnell Johnson said, "That money grubbing Owner Jason Stanley increased season ticket prices by 20% then put this garbage out on the field? CMON MAN"

11. Texas Dawgs 2-7

Rumor out of Plano is the Texas Dawgs will be changing their name to the Shelter Pups after their dismal performance this year. 

12. PV PC Police 1-8

Not much left to play for the the PC Police did manage to snag an extra 9th round pick while on their honeymoon in Turks and Caicos "We never sleep on a good deal" Coach McWilson said. 

Week 5 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
13 Miles West of Gods Country AKA Arrowhead Stadium 

WEEK 5 POWER RANKINGS

Week 4 of the KSFBFFL league is in the books and we are starting to see the bottom fall out on a couple of teams. After a run of bridesmaid dresses the PV PC Police have struggled to make any arrests so far this year putting up a measly 70.5 points per game en route to an 0-4 record. Not far behind them are the hapless Puff Puff Passes at 1-3 who have yet to break 100 pts. But what do we make of the Texas Dawgs? After starting 0-3 and trading away their 2 best players the dog put up a record 149 points last week! Will GM Dawg Murphy ditch the rebuilding process and try to win now? Keep reading for the answer!

1. Huge Ditkas (3-1) – The Ditkas lead the league in points so far this year and handed the Killers their first loss of the year last week behind a 35 pt performance from Kamara. Despite the hot start fans in the Windy City are taking a wait and see approach after last season’s hot start fizzled out in December. GM Button Settle says this year is different “Our QB1 is just starting to find his groove and as long as Kamara stays healthy we will be in a great position come playoff season. If Larry Legend doesn’t pick it up these next couple of weeks he will need to find himself a new home”. Look for Kamara to come back to earth now that Ingram is back from his PED Suspension.

2. Deadbeat Darryls (3-1) – The Darryl’s are the talk of Lake Lottowana after their 3-1 start despite #1 overall pick Dalvin Cook’s poor start. I reached out Charles Walker who was recently named assistant quality control coordinator and asked just how high the ceiling is on this team if Dalvin can return to form, “HIGH” he said then pointed to his sippy cup “Boom Boom BANG, MY PLAYERS”.  As long as Patty Mahomes is slinging the rock like a cross between Elway/Farve/Brady the Darryls will be in the hunt for the martin.

3. Keckism Killers (3-1) – A week 4 thrashing at the hands of the Ditkas ruined the Killers hope for an undefeated season but to Coach Aces Stanley it was a blessing in disguise. “I don’t want my players focusing on things like that, let the fake news media speculate on teams greatness, we just need to win, just win baby”. If RB Jordan Howard keeps ceding touches to Tarik Cohen the Killers will need another miraculous stretch from Gurley to win back to back titles.

4. Raytown MonStars (2-2) – “We just kept plugging away, getting a little better every day” Coach Lady said when asked about the teams recent 2 game win streak to bring them back to .500. Despite a combined 10 Points from Drake/Evans/Stills the MonStars had their best showing on the year last week in a 130-89 Beatdown of the Cobbs. If Josh Gordon can get in Rhythm with Touchdown Tom the MonStars could be hoisting The Martin from the summit of Moron Mountain.

5. Kaibob Kangol Krew (3-1) – QB Drama in the desert? GM Keene Cheese has been getting an earful from Fans about replacing Aaron Rodgers with Matt Ryan and has his own theories about Rodgers slow start “Its that dam woman Danica Patrick” He grumbled. “She’s like a STD that affects your performance. Look at Ricky Stenhouse JR, a real up and comer until he and Danica Started knocking boots. Now it’s a miracle if he can actually finish a race with an intact car. Same thing is going on with Rodgers right now and Matty Ice has definitely earned himself a look at the starting job”

6. Slob on my Cobb (2-2) – “We have not seen the return we Expected from the players we acquired” coach Tuck Tucker said about his recent acquisition of Gronk/Zeke/Lynch. Some asshole Cobb fans are blaming the arrival of tiny lil adorable baby drake for the Cobbs recent 2 game slide and coach Tucker doesn’t deny it “I’m getting hazed by my own blood here, the sleep deprivation is real”.

7. Farve Dollar Footlongs (2-2) –  The Footlongs lost a heartbreaker last week to the arch-rival Firechiefs but have an easy rebound game this week against the winless PV PC Police and GM Sven Murphy is feeling cocky. “The local boys are back from their bye and Edelman will be inserted into the line up” The Jovial Fat Man Murphy said “Lets just say we don’t expect to get pulled over by the Police this weekend, hehehehehehe”

8. I Touchdown There (2-2) – After a hot 2-0 start the Touchdowns have slid back to their rightful place of being mired in mediocrity but GM Mike Gomez isn’t concerned “Its been a rough couple of weeks. No urgency though, just have to keep the bus moving”.

9. The Firechiefs (2-2) – Despite a 2-2 record thanks to 2 consecutive wins Firechief fans and beat reporters have been critical of Coach Van Kueser’s roster selection but coach doesn’t care “We honestly don’t care if we are respected by the media or not. The main thing here is that we are 2-2 without 2 of our best players, LeVeon and Devonta Freeman. We will get both back in a matter of weeks and believe we will be right in the thick of things”. Firechief faithful hope he is right as the team needs a lot of help, only 2 players scored in double digits during last weeks win vs the Footlongs.

10. Puff Puff Pass (1-3) – “Its been a rough start to the season, no one to blame but Management” Coach Puff explained “Things won’t get any easier this week against the powerhouse MonStars and if we lose it will be time to build towards a successful season in 2019”.

11. Texas Dawgs (1-3) – The Dawgs came out of nowhere last week and shocked the Puffs with a 149 pt performance. After trading 3 of their best players for draft picks some Dawg fans are having buyers remorse and dreaming about what could have been this season. Will GM Dawg Murphy seize on this momentum and make move to win in 2018? “We are sticking to our strategy of playing for the future” GM Dawg said, “We are sellers and Villains this year, the dawgs will enjoy playing the spoiler role the rest of the year”

    

1. Prairie Village PC Police (0-4) – It looks to be a dreary fall in Prairie Village this year as the PC Police are struggling to put fans in the seat. I reached out to PC Police super fan Darnell McDermot for his take on the teams struggle “I’ll tell you what, that dam playboy owner McKinney has lost his Mojo ever since he decided to get hitched. And during the middle of the season?!? Come on!”. BWKNBNC reached out to GM Pearce Wilson and asked if his upcoming nuptials have negatively effected his team “That’s not true. We knew this could be a rebuilding year after dealing several draft picks last season during the playoff push. We think the talent on our team is better than our record indicates but the fans expect to win every year”.

2018 Week 2 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
120 Miles East of Gods Country

WEEK 2 POWER RANKINGS! 

1. Kaibob Kangol Krew (1-0) – WOW! Who saw a 128 pt week 1 victory coming from Keene Cheese? Certainly not the esteemed media members that follow the KSBFFL! Its certainly possible that the fighting white robes from the desert will come crashing back to reality if Aaron Rodgers misses significant time but for now they are on top.

2. The Huge Ditkas (1-0) – An impressive week 1 win over the always competitive MonStars has GM Button Settle feeling confident “We had a great draft. I missed the Memo on keepers but unlike some other teams in the league I didn’t have to wait 6 rounds between picks”. Button Settle better hope Alvin Kamarakura keeps playing like a stud if we he going to be throwing that kind of shade around.

3. Farve Dollar Footlongs (1-0) – Will a move to the Tar Heel state help turn Sven Murphy’s franchise around? Sven thinks so and much like his days at 509 he has been picking up the local boys “We are leaning on our hometown heroes Cam and Christian. Pairing them with our amazing receiving core (OBJ, Jarvis Landry, Keenan Allen) should bring us back to our rightful position on the top of the league”

4. Keckism Killers (1-0) – The Killers defended their championship with an easy win over the hapless dawgs from Texas but lost star WR Marquise Goodwin to a severed leg. “Its tough, real tough to lose a guy like Marquise” Defending champion Jason Aces Stanley said, “But as hard as this loss is Marquise just wasn’t a key part of our ball club. As long as Todd THE MACHINE Gurley is on our squad we feel good about our chances of repeating”.

5. The FIrechefs (0-1) – Despite an impressive 120 point performance the FireChefs started the year out with a tough loss to the KKK. “I’m not happy about my draft and I expect to lose every game” Head Ball coach Justin Van Heche said. With LeVeon Bell out all season with a poor attitude Coach Van Heche better hope James Conner Brings his lunch pail in every week.

6. Deadbeat Darryls (0-1) – When 3 players score 70% of your points its never a good sign but the Darryls should get back on a winning track if Dalvin Cook and Jimmy Graham can find the end zone.

7. Slob on my Cobb (1-0) – Week 1 wasn’t pretty for ole Tuck Tuck but he eeked out a 4 point win over the Puffs. “To be honest I didn’t even set my lineup as I HAVE A SMALL CHILD INSIDE OF ME TRYING TO COME OUT AND I REALLY JUST WANT IT OUT SO I CAN POUND SANGARITAS AGAIN” GM Jenny Trupka said.

8. Raytown MonStars (0-1) – Coach Lady was pretty angry after their week one loss and was overheard dressing her team down in the locker room after their week 1 loss “YOU ARE ALL PATHETIC, PATHETIC WASTES OF ATHLETIC ABILITY. IF I HAD OPPOSABLE THUMBS I WOULD STRANGLE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU”. Look for Kareem “The Dream” Hunt to be more involved in their week 2 matchup.

9. Texas Dawgs (0-1) – “Considering we had 2 picks in the first 7 rounds we are happy with where our team is after week 1” Coach Dawg said. “We fully expect Marcus to be a top 3 QB by the end of the season and won’t sit on our laurels if we think we have a chance to win this year”. Of course not Matthew, of course not.

10. Puff Puff Pass (0-1) -  After spending all week trying to trade Carlos Hyde GM Puff Meyers left him and his 12 points on the bench last week which costs him a win in week 1. “I took some bad advice, look for Carlos to be back in the starting lineup.

11. I Touchdown There (1-0) – Despite a week 1 victory the Touchdowns have a lot of unanswered questions heading into week 2. Will Big Ben still be the starter? Will David Johnson ever return to his 2016 form? Will Little Baby Coop be ready to take over the franchise in 40 years?

12. Prairie Village PC Police (0-1) – We are all dumber after seeing your week 1 performance. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

First Round Playoff Preview

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

First Round Matchups

I Touchdown There (8-5) VS Keckism Killers (8-5)

Four weeks ago the Touchdowns demolished the Killers 108-73 and GM Mike Brungy thinks this time will be similar. “We had a must win game last week and we won so this is nothing new to us. I’m proud of the guys and think last weeks W will give us some momentum into our matchup with the Killers”. Coach Gomez will have some tough decisions to make as star WR Michael Crabtree returns from his 2 week suspension “Crabtree is a game time decision. I can tell you one thing though….He will not be wearing a god damn chain around his neck”

Meanwhile Killers GM Jason “Aces” Boo never planned on making it to the playoffs and is in the middle of a 10 day Bender in Las Vegas. We talked to Darryl Darnell, one of the few remaining Killers fans left, about what he thought of the head coach spending time in Vegas before the Game “It’s a disgrace. We have not made the playoffs in 3 years, have never won a playoff game in our history, and now our coach has gone AWOL to Vegas”. Coach Boo had another take saying “No game prep is needed, we basically have a double bye into the title game. We are already preparing to face the Ditkas in 2 weeks”. Bold statement by the Coach who has never won a playoff game. 

Prediction – Killers 96 Touchdowns 82

Huge Ditkas (9-4) VS Zipper Destroyers (7-6)

The Ditkas are the hottest team in the league riding a 6 game win streak where they have scored over 100 points each week. In a recent survey all owners participating in the playoffs the Ditkas won every vote as the favorite to bring home The Martin. Coach Settle says his recent success is not a flash in the pan “We have put in our best effort the last half of the season and it truly shows our dedication to practicing the right way week after week”. The Path to the championship game seems clear cut for the Ditkas, beat the Destroyers this week and the Reeling Monkeys next week and he is in. Coach settle doesn’t think it will be that easy though “While it’s a favorable path to the championship game we are only concerned with the Destroyers right now. GM Murphy is a trickster and we want to make sure he doesn’t try any sneaky moves”

It took a Christmas Miracle to get the Destroyers into the playoffs and now GM Pooch Murphy is hoping for another “Really counting on some help from the Falcons to slow down the Ditkas big play guys (Thomas/Kamara)” He opined hopefully “Hope those guys are hungover from their big games last week. All we have to do it win 2 games before our lord and savior Zeke comes back for the title game”. Both Jimmy Graham and Woman Beater Mixon are listed as questionable for this weeks game so the Destroyers may be putting their season in the hands of Doug “The Muscle Hamster” Martin.

Prediction – Ditkas 106 Destroyers 74

What is the first thing you do if you win The Martin?

Touchdowns GM Mike Brungy – “First of all it would be an honor. Second of all I will probably sleep with her the first night, maybe get a photo op of my balls in it to send to the other owners??!?!? Who knows!”

Killers GM Jason “Aces” Boo – “The Martin will be taped to the hood of my 2011 Toyota Camry for the parade down Main St”

Destroyers GM Pooch Murphy – “Wow, Great Question. If we win The Martin we will likely glue it to the baseball trophy and turn it into a duel light saber (Darth Maul style)”

3/5rs GM Benji Keck – “It’s been 6 years too long since the Martin was in my possession. I imagine we would spend the first couple hours catching up, maybe over a bottle of wine? Once the pleasantries are out of the way I’ll invite her into the bedroom and see how Lauren responds….”

Monkeys GM Pearce Wilson – “If we have the honor of bringing The Martin home there will be a parade scheduled down 70^th street between Pflumn and Nall. All members of the league will be invited, the parade will end at the Blue Moose”

Ditkas GM Button Settle – “When we win it all The Martin will be making its debut appearance in Vegas for March Madness…BLACK TEN”