Week 4 Power Rankings

1. PV Football Club – Coming off a dominating beatdown of the Lake Rats the PV Football Club only gets stronger with the addition of Star Running back Austin Eckler who is coming back off injury. “Coach Lola has the kids playing hard and we plan to keep our head down and grind out some wins the old fashioned way” Owner Pearce McKinley said.  

 

2. Keckism Killers – The Killers are also undefeated but are taking a different approach than the Football Club “I just ordered some coach prime sunglasses and a gold chain, trying to follow in his footsteps” Coach Stanley said between sips of his gay bud light bottle. If DeVante Adams can stay hot this team has a bright future.

 

3. Christian Mingle’s Dingle – After a crushing week 1 loss the Dingle’s have bounced back with 2 straight wins and face the reeling Steamers this weekend. “Not Worried, not worried at all” Coach Lady said with a shotgun pointed towards her head.

 

4. Puff Puff Pass – Despite having the 8^th most points scored the Puff’s are sitting at pretty atop the south division at 2-1 mainly thanks to the Cowboys Defense. They face a knock down drag out slugfest against their old nemesis the PV Football Club this weekend but their Coach decided to take off for a quick vacation to California. “I remember the last time I got in a slugfest with McKinney, it was a breeze and didn’t turn out to well for him” Coach Puff smirked.

 

5. Huge Ditkas – The Ditka’s haven’t scored more than 94 points so far this season but are 2-1 and Head Coach Button Settle is looking to shake things up and steal a page from Kelce’s book “Joe Burrow is getting one more chance to show up and not be a dud. He’s looking for someone famous to invite to the game and sit in his moms suite to give him a boost. Olivia Rodrigo hasn’t responded to his DM’s yet so we will see…..”

 

6. Dem in Dementia – The Dem’s were second in the KSFBFFL in scoring last week but pound leader Dawg Murphy is not satisfied “We are going to keep relying on our dawgs out there and Jonathon Taylor will be back. We have a deep team but need a TE.” He said before barking at the mailman.  

 

7. I Touchdown There – It seemed as if the Touchdowns had last weeks game in Hand before the Killers came roaring back to win the game. “It appears as if we got a little too excited and might of prematurely blew our load” GM Brungardt said “Hopefully next week we can last a little longer”

 

8. Farve Dollar Footlongs – At 1-2 the Footlongs appear to have thrown in the towel with coach Charlie spotted wearing a #Tank4Caleb t-shirt on the only walk he got this week.  

 

9. The Firechiefs – Determined not to let this season get away Coach Donut Boi addressed the media yesterday “Well we can’t let the Dementia’s beat us twice. We’ve got to put last week in the rear view and move ahead. We have had some big injuries but our team has a “Next man up mentality”. He then promptly blew his entire waiver wire budget on the Dolphins backup RB.

 

10. Cleveland Steamers – The Steamers got their first win of the season last week and it’s got Master Tucker all rev’d up “Feels good to get a W in the books. Week 1 is on the coaching staff. We took the hype pill thinking Geno was ready for primetime but he went straight back to his holgerson days. We’ll stick with our gut from now on to keep the momentum rolling.” They face a tough matchup next week against the SURGING Dingle’s.

 

11. Lotawana Lake Rats – The waves are rough to start the fall out at Lake Lotowana and the Lake Rats are taking on water faster than the Titanic. GM Wayne Walker seems more concerned about posting fake golf scores on 18 birdies than managing his ball club.

 

12. Roughing The Kooch – Out in Oregon the Kooches are the only winless team in the KSFBFFL but Managing Director Scott Harris thinks the has Identified the problem… “Our problem is an auto drafted team plays with no heart. We need to find our heart or acquire one from a willing donor in the Philippines.”

KSFBFFL Week 11 Power Rankings

 KSFBFFL WEEK 11 POWER RANKINGS

1. F*vre Dollar Footlongs (9-1)

The Footlongs cruised to an easy victory over the Lake Rats last week to claim the top spot in the prestigious BWKNBNC power rankings. "We brought in Mr. F*vre last week as a guest speaker and our team responded to his words and complimentary green and white crocs to be worn in our state of the art massage therapy center...We even added a certain QB who used to live in Houston to give us some tips on how to improve our massage therapy center and provide some depth for the playoffs". 

2. The Firechiefs (8-2)

Firechiefs owner Millie Vanillie has no recollection of her teams last title but knows that she will stop at nothing to keep that chauvinistic prick Sven Murphy from winning another title "That man is everything that is wrong with our Patriarchal sexist society and I plan to END HIM...We are going to keep our nose to the grindstone until we win The Martin then we will promptly destroy the trophy and replace it with a gender neutral ribbon". 

3. PV Football Club (8-2)

After putting the hapless Keckism Killers in their place last weekend the Football Club faces a key test against the Ditkas this week. Owner Pearce Pearce Wilson was not concerned about his matchup last week "The Killers are but a leaf in our way, we brushed them aside and are focused on securing a first round bye in our pursuit to hold the martin for a second time"

4. Two Gurleys One Kupp (5-5)

The Kupps are on a 3 game winning streak and led all teams in points scored last week. We caught up with GM Lady Keck out at the Keck Autonomous Zone last weekend where she was pouring over game film while her owner drank beer and cried about his lack of success at killing birds "The further that fuck head Ben is away from my team the better, next thing you know he is going to trade our next 3 first round draft picks for Deshaun Watson in hopes of getting some insight on how to arrange massages". 

5. Huge Ditkas (6-4)

Despite having the second highest point total last week the Ditkas fell to the juggernaut that is the Kupp's. Recently married owner Matt Settle has come to a sobering conclusion "Maybe I should cheat more, on my wife, in fantasy football, in life in general...if you aint first your last". Somber words from a man broken by crushing defeat. 

6. Puff Puff Pass (5-5)

While Owner Puff Meyers team is reeling in the KSFBFFL he is living HIGH on the hog in the real world. "The Puffs locker room went a little too hard after the passage of amendment 3 last week. Injuries and Bye weeks will be a challenge this week against the Ditkas but we plan to finish the season strong"

7. Keckism Killers (4-6)

The Killers are focused on one thing and one thing only "We just need to be a little bit better then the Puffs. If we can get into the dance then I can steal anyone's girl". Bold words from the Big Ma(c)n. 

8. I Touchdown There (4-6)

Despite being 1 game under .500 and facing the PATHETIC Lake Rats this week Touchdown's owner Mike Gomez has decided to throw in the towel. "I have instructed Coach Coop to tank for a better draft pick, play all the shittiest players, it doesn't matter"

9. Roughing the Kooch (4-6)

Editors Note - I forgot to text Scotty for his comment so I will update once I hear back from him

10. Dem in Dementia (3-7)

The Dawgs have been living on borrowed time for years trading away draft picks for players but that has changed this year according to Alpha Dawg Matt Murphy (who is afraid of New Orleans) "We plan to finish the season breaking hearts and spoiling dreams. We have hit the rebuild button when we traded Tyreek and Mixon for some draft picks. We've realized this day would come for a while but we just kept winning so the rebuild has been put on pause until now"

11. Cleveland Steamers (3-7)

Even though they only scored 69 points last week (Nice!) GM Tucker Trupka is still optimistic about his squads chances saying "So your telling me there is a chance?!? We are the team of miracles". 

12. Lake Rats (1-9)

Its been a rough year out at Lake Lottawana and GM Rattlesnake Wayne is pulling out all the excuses "Go look at my IR and all the injuries on my team. We never stood a chance". 

 Ben Ji

130 miles east of gods country

Firechiefs or Footlongs. WHO IS NUMBER 1?!?

(Answer below)

The 14th edition of the KSFBFFL is one for the ages as two old nemesis's who have spent the better part of the last decade as bystanders in the playoffs are finally in contention for The Martin. 

POWER RANKINGS

1. The FireChiefs (6-2)

Q:How are you keeping your team motivated week in week out?

A: Did we draft the most talented players that were available when we picked?  Absolutely.  That being said, we also did a deep dive into what makes these guys tick.  We feel that we not only found a bunch of talented players but also those who are relentless in their pursuit of success and winning.

Q: If you had to pick one team besides yourself to win The Martin who would it be?

A: Steven Francis

Q: Favorite Actor/Actress?

A: That Circle faced chick Salamander Gomez something

2. F*rve Dollar Footlong (7-1)

Q:How are you keeping your team motivated week in week out?

A: Massage therapy

Q: If you had to pick one team besides yourself to win The Martin who would it be?

A: There's no real contender outside of the FDF's

Q: Favorite Actor/Actress?

A: Patrick Mahomes in the State Farm commercials 

3. PV Football Club (6-2)

Q:How are you keeping your team motivated week in week out?

A: Defending the Martin keeps everyone motivated 

Q: If you had to pick one team besides yourself to win The Martin who would it be?

A: The firecrotches (sic) or sphincters

Q: Favorite Actor/Actress?

A: Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men

4. The Huge Ditkas (5-3)

Q:How are you keeping your team motivated week in week out?

A: After our slump to start the season we are on the strongest turnaround of any team. We are excited to win the Martin or at least most improved team ribbon 

Q: If you had to pick one team besides yourself to win The Martin who would it be?

A: Any of our starters have the ability to bring home the Martin. And overcooked Russ will watch from the bench. (Editors note...WTF was this answer?)

Q: Favorite Actor/Actress?

A: Ben Keck; for acting year after year like he has a chance to win

5. Puff Puff Pass (5-3)

Q:How are you keeping your team motivated week in week out?

A: YOUR

Q: If you had to pick one team besides yourself to win The Martin who would it be?

A: TEAM

Q: Favorite Actor/Actress?

A: SUCKS

6. Two Gurleys One Kupp (3-5)

Q:How are you keeping your team motivated week in week out?

A: We are on a mission to do one thing and one thing only...win The Martin. We will not rest until we do. 

Q: If you had to pick one team besides yourself to win The Martin who would it be?

A: Are any of these Puds gonna beat Lamar and CMC in the playoffs? Didnt think so. 

Q: Favorite Actor/Actress?

A: Tim McGraw in Friday Night Lights

7. The Dem in Dementia (3-5) 

Q:How are you keeping your team motivated week in week out?

A: Naked midgets, or short people (as the alphabet people call them) in the locker room has given some of the guys some extra push. 

Q: If you had to pick one team besides yourself to win The Martin who would it be?

A: You can make a case for Justin Pearce or Steve this year, but I think the Ditkas have the experience and players to hoist the Martin this year. One Kupp looks sexy on paper but too many selfish players in that locker room with poor management will result in a wild card loss.

Q: Favorite Actor/Actress?

A: I admire Nick Cage. Big breadth of work from con air to the family man. He's consistent and coincidentally a long time season ticket holder!

8. I Touchdown There (3-5)

Q:How are you keeping your team motivated week in week out?

A: Long time no talk! Thought you guys went out of business for a second. Did you get another government handout? The TDs have hit a bit of a rough patch this year. Had some player movement in the offseason and we knew it was gonna be tough. We are rebuilding and going to be stronger next year! The win over the Two Gurleys One Kupp really motivated the guys. Even when the team is down we can still kick the shit out of a Ben Keck led team!

Q: If you had to pick one team besides yourself to win The Martin who would it be?

A: The Footlongs are sure looking strong again. Hoping the Firechiefs can sneak it though.

Q: Favorite Actor/Actress?

A: Emilia Clarke - big fan of Daenerys!

9. Cleveland Steamers (3-5)

Q:How are you keeping your team motivated week in week out?

A: There was dissension in the ranks when it was announced "the team is for sale"

Q: If you had to pick one team besides yourself to win The Martin who would it be?

A: Fire chiefs have a hot squad

Q: Favorite Actor/Actress?

A: Tucker Carlson

10. Roughing the Kooch (2-6)

Q:How are you keeping your team motivated week in week out?

A: Our media team has coordinated the following responses from Coach Harris:

We have a losing record but we are scoring more points and constantly improving. We were number 4 in points last week. Make no mistake, the men want blood and there are still plenty of games left. 

Q: If you had to pick one team besides yourself to win The Martin who would it be?

A: I'll go with the Firechiefs. If anyone deserves the Martin, it is Coach CW after a few disappointing seasons. Everyone loves a comeback story. 

Q: Favorite Actor/Actress?

A:I'm going to go with Sarah Snook (lead actress in Succession). Whew... I mean, come on. 

UNRANKED

Keckism Killers

Lottawana Lakerats

WEEK 3 POWER RANKINGS

 ben ji
120 miles east of gods country

WEEK 3 POWER RANKINGS

Farve Dollar Footlongs Stave Off "WOKE" Mob To Claim Top Spot
Rumors of PED use swirl around the league

1. F*vre Dollar Footlongs (2-0)

The Footlongs have been under siege by the WOKE media for a couple of weeks now and have declared war on the MSNBC/CNN/Twitter MOB by naming Brett F*vre their team chaplain. Thats not the only change according to Sven Murphy "The veteran ownership of this team has introduced a new film review strategy that provides unlimited massage therapy while the players are watching film" he said. According to Sven he claims he learned this strategy from the Texans and signed their personal massage therapist after their players reported "Excitement for massage/film study sessions" and "Post Nut Clarity" last year after these sessions. 

2. Millie's Fire Chiefs (2-0)

There hasn't been much to cheer for off Carter Circle in recent years but Millie Van Heche has invigorated the franchise in her first year in charge as they have started 2-0. "I've heard the rumors about our teams PED use and all I can say is we don't comment on rumors. We will continue to put our heads down and keep working, the Dem in Dementia's will be a tough challenge for us next week but we will be ready"

3. Dem in Dementia (1-1)

Despite putting up the second highest point total of week two the Dem's were emasculated by the Footlongs. Offensive Coordinator Dean Murphy knows things don't get any easier next week when they head to carter circle to take on the fire chiefs "Have you seen their coach millie? Total babe. No way I'm going to be able to keep my players focused on the game with just juice boxes so I had our trainers double our typical PED regimen for the week". 

4. Puff Puff Pass (2-0)

The Puff's are off to their best start in years on the backs of Jalapeno Hurts and D'Andrew Swift which has Puff's owner feeling cocky "I'm going out to beautiful Hays KS this weekend for a wedding so its on the players to keep their Focus" Coach Meyers said. When asked to comment on the rumors swirling regarding PED use Meyers clarified "Our team is into downers, not uppers". 

5. Two Gurley's One Kupp (1-1)

Week one was a disappointment for the perennial powerhouse program led by extremely good looking GM Ben Ji but the Kupps responded with a dominating performance in week two. "Lady is a great coach" GM Ben Ji said. "When I put her on half rations for losing in week 1 she responded by doubling our teams PED distribution. Moves like that are why she will one day be the first bitch inducted into the KSFBFFL Hall Of Fame".

6. PV Football Team (2-0)

Pearce Pearce McKinney is jet setting around Europe while his team continues to win leading some fans in PV wondering if they really even need a coach. 

7. Keckism Killers (1-1)

The Killers bounced back from a disappointing week one loss by eviscerating the Ditkas in week two. When asked about his preparation for The Touchdowns next week GM Jason "Boo" Stanley seemed to confirm the rumors that have been spreading about blatant UPPER abuse "We aren't worried about the Touchdowns next week, in fact, I'm going to take the whole team to the titty bars the night before them give them a couple addy's in the morning and we'll win by 40". 

8. Lottawana Lake Rats (1-1)

Some fans have claimed that Lake Rats owner Casey Wayne didn't have enough money to buy his players PED's last week which led to their 60 point beat down but Ole Wayne denies that was the case "It was the heat wave that rolled through last week" he said. "Our players were not accustomed to the heat. We are going to be making a change at QB this week and are looking to trade some WR's for a RB1". 

9. Huge Ditkas (0-2)

The recent move from Chicago to Indianapolis has not gone well for the Ditkas as they start the season 0-2. "Focus is tough at the moment" Coach Button Settle said "We know we have a tough game next week and this will be a true testament to see how the Ditkas handle the Footlongs dominant players. Also I have no faith in Russ, Burn him down". 

10. I Touchdown There (0-2)

With the offseason addition of Ford "The Chamber" Brungy to the coaching staff some pundits thought this might be the year that the Touchdowns finally win a championship but things are not off to a great start. "We have had some tough losses and that falls squarely on our coaches shoulders. In regards to the PED use thats FAKE NEWS just like your blog". 

11. Cleveland Steamers (0-2)

Besides all the PED rumors flying around the KSFBFFL the Steamers are dealing with rumors of a players only meeting being called after week 2. "The Steamers front office is aware of the players only meeting that has been called and we are going to let them have this one" Coach Tuck Tuck said before finishing his statement "We had a disastrous 2022 Draft so we are hoping this meeting will bring unity to this team. We hope the lord will bless us with a productive meeting since we have a do or die matchup against the Puffs this week".

12. Roughing The Kooch (0-2)

The Kooch's are barely averaging 50 points a game but reformed Playboy GM Scott Harris says its all part of the plan. "We are a family oriented team now and have a zero tolerance policy for any criminal offenses or PED use. We are pulling out the West Coast playbook this week and putting our players back in a lockdown bubble to get them focused. Dedicated housing free of the evil hedonistic distractions of the outside world. I want to keep my players focused on our lord/football and not scrolling through Instagram Thirst Traps". 

Waves Of Change

Waves of Change in the KSFBFFL

 

After a tumultuous 2020 the KSFBFFL has embraced Fairness and Equality for All as one of the key tenants they expect all clubs to adhere to. To help make sure these new directives are followed a Fairness Committee consisting of Ben Jong, Pearce Pelosi, Michael Biden and Matthew Mao has been formed and is currently reviewing a recent trade made between Matt Murphy and Austin Meyers. The fairness Committee hopes to reach their decision by early Monday Morning at the latest.

 

What sparked this wave of change in the normally conservative KSFBFFL? Some say that it was the passing of the reigns of ownership from Justin Van Heche to his small adorable child Millie Van Heche back in Late October. Millie’s first action as owner of the club was to trade Dalvin Cook immediately “While we appreciate what Dalvin has done for our organization, his misogynistic comments in the locker room have no place in the modern KSFBFFL. We are going to run this organization the right way. I am an agent of change and we do not stand for the attitude that Dalvin brings to our locker room.

 

1. Biden Pulls Out 7-0-1

 

The Pull outs won a close won last week against the Dem’s but may have lost star player Derrick Henry for the year with a foot injury. They are hoping that recently acquired Lil Christian McCaffrey can come back strong off the IR and pick up where Henry left off.  

 

2. I Touchdown There 6-2

 

Coach Mike Biden will be pulling double duty this week as he joins the fairness committee in addition to his normal role as coach of the Touchdowns. “My squad is on Auto Pilot right now so I can afford to focus on the integrity of the league” Biden Said.

 

3. PV Leg Hounds 5-3

 

It was stink town USA last week as the Leg Hounds were whipped by the Touchdowns. If Lil Kyler Murray keeps playing like this the Leg Hounds will go yet another year without winning the Martin.

 

4. Cleveland Steamers 4-4

 

Steamers owner Tristan Schumer has yet to comment on the recent fairness controversy in the KSFBFFL so we reached out to him for a comment “Honestly I’m too busy making Friendsgiving invites to pay much attention”

 

5. The Huge Ditkas 5-3

 

Matthew Mao is taking his Fairness Committee role seriously and is consulting with Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot before the Fairness Committee meets on Sunday.

 

6. Roughing the Kooch 4-3-1

 

Out on the Left Coast Owner Scott Guliani has seen it all before “Sometimes I run over human poop in my car, sometimes its protestors, either way I don’t slow down”

7. Dem In Dementia 4-4

 

Dem’s owner Matthew Trump is furious over the newly formed Fairness Committee holding up with recent trade. “I’M THE GREATEST ATTRACTION THIS LEAGUE HAS EVER SEEN, LOOK AT THE RATING THIS BLOG POST WILL GET” he tweeted at me.

 

8. Keckism Killers 4-4

 

The Killers are hoping to be the first team to knock off the Pull Outs but owner Jason Cuomo has made his thoughts on the fairness committee quite clear “Its well past due” He said as the slipped his hand around the back of an intern.  

 

9. Lotawana Lake Rats 3-5

 

Wayne Limbaugh is still fighting to make the playoffs and has refused to comment on the leagues new Fairness Doctrine. “We are focused on winning ball games, that’s it”

 

10. Puff Puff Pass 2-6

 

Puff’s owner Austin Hannity has been ordered to take a Mandatory Drug test before Sunday or forfeit the rest of the season “I thought this was America not communist CHYNA?” He said before googling “how to beat a weed test”

 

11. The Firechiefs 2-6

 

New owner KaMillie Harris has sparked quite the firestorm during her first week at the helm of the Firechiefs franchise and she is not backing down “This is only the start, did you know that the KSFBFFL Offices do not have complimentary feminine hygiene products?!?”

 

12. Farve Dollar Footlongs 1-7

 

Co-Commissioner Steven Carlson has been strangely silent on the leagues new Fairness Doctrine saying “With the way my team is playing I don’t deserve to have a voice”

 Ben Ji

140 Miles east of gods country

WEEK 5 POWER RANKINGS

1. Biden Pulls Out (3-0-1)

Derrick Henry has put the Pull Outs on his strong muscular veiny back and carried them to an undefeated start. "Its really impressive what that beautiful man can do" Coach Keck said "Every time he carries the ball I get this sensation down there, it builds and builds...the tension rising and them BOOM. He pounds one into the hole and scores and all that tension is released in a beautiful moment". 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "Its meat between bread, of course its a sandwich"

2. I Touchdown There (4-0)

The Touchdowns are the only 4-0 team left but Coach Brungy is not letting that go to his head "The Ditkas are a good looking team. We are looking forward to the match up and are confident in our ability to come home with the W".  With Ty'Son Williams dealing with injuries could the Touchdowns be in the market for a RB? "We are always open to entertaining trades. If anything goes down we will be sure to give the finest sports news corp a heads up" Coach said. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "Absolutely not. Thats the most absurd argument I have ever heard"

3. PV Leg Hounds (3-1)

With a huge matchup against the Pull Outs coming up the Leg Hounds are feeling pretty relaxed "We look forward to the challenge of playing a good football team" Coach McKinney said. When asked about any potential trades in the works he didn't even bat an eye "I'm focused on winning the next game, we leave all potential player acquisitions to Lola"

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "I don't see why not and I've never found a sandwich I didn't like"

4. The Huge Ditkas (3-1)

"The Touchdowns are going to be our toughest matchup yet" Coach Button Settle said "We lost our local boy Montgomery so we are going to get creative in order to get the W" With Hurts and Kamara this team still has the horses to beat anyone in the league. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "I'm not sure about a hot dog but that taco bell chicken taco is a taco not a sandwich"

5. Roughing The Kooch (2-1-1)

A late week stat correction changed the Kooch's loss to the Pull Outs into a tie which delighted playboy owner Scott Harris "Lets just say a VP at ESPN had a little too much fun in my Yacht off Thailand one time and I called in a favor". The Kooch's are also looking forward to their matchup with the steamers this week and where Harris plans to "Give them a taste of their own name". 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "A hot dog is a hot dog. Not a sandwich. No need to make life more complicated than it already is"

6. The Dem in Dementia (2-2)

"When you have a championship level GM you have to use him" GM Dirty Dawg Murphy said in our interview this week. "Look, I'm not even sure who we are playing this week as I've been to busy working the phones trying to make this team better". Can the Dem's keep winning?

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "Is a football a baseball? No. A hot dog is 100% not a sandwich. Just because there is meat in between bread don't make it a sandwich"

7. Cleveland Steamers (1-3)

The Steamers got crushed last weekend by the Pull Outs and the sidewalk in Aggieville. Things are not looking any better this week as the Kooch's are ready to kick ole Tuck in the balls over and over again. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "Can you fit a sandwich down your throat? Didn't think so"

8. Keckism Killers (2-2)

Finding themselves right in the middle of the rankings Coach Stanley is not in panic mode quite yet "We feel good about our team, no specific trade plans are in the works but we are always open for business". If they can get past the Dem's next week the Killers could shoot up the rankings. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "No"

9. The Firechiefs (1-3)

The fans on Carter Circle have been clinching their balloon knots all week as they prepare to face the Sphincter's on Sunday. "Its a huge rivalry game and we cannot have a letdown like last week" Assistant GM Millie Van Heche said. If they don't win this game against the hapless footlongs then look for the Chiefs to start selling off their pieces. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "This is a stupid argument. A hot dog is not a sandwich"

10. Lotawana Lake Rats (1-3)

The lake rats are refusing to speak with the media so I will refuse to write about them. 

11. Puff Puff Pass (1-3)

Puff's owner Austin Meyers let off some steam in Manhattan last weekend and is still paying the price "Look, the only person who partied harder than me was Urban Meyer" puff said. The Puff's have a huge matchup against the lake rats this week, a loss here and all indications are they will be looking ahead to 2022. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "A hot dog is not a sandwhich"

12. Farve Dollar Footlong (0-4)

Has apathy already set in at falcon valley? The Footlongs have started the year off 0-4 and there have been rumors of players sleeping with the owners wife. Steve Murphy has put the whole team on the trading block and will be looking to start fresh next year. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "Fits in your ass either way"

Ben Ji

140 Miles East of God's Country

Week 4 Power Rankings!

Wow folks! What a start to the first 3 weeks of the 13th edition of the Kansas State's Finest Bros Fantasy Football League! Before we get to the much anticipated power rankings lets take a minute to recognize some STUDS and DUDS of this last week. First up the STUDS

STUDS - This week's STUD award is a 3 way tie as Ben Keck, Michael Brungy and Mattias Settle are all undefeated after the first 3 games. Great work by all the STUDS! 

DUD - This week's DUD is Justin Van Heche who is the only person who has not paid his fantasy football dues yet. C'mon Juice, figure it out and stop being a DUD!  

1. Biden Pulls Out (3-0)

The crowd on W 75th street was 4 inches deep and full of waving flags as the Pull Outs returned home from their heart stopping .1 point victory over the Kooch's last week. Coach Lady was showered with dog bones but stopped for a quick word with reporters "WE ARE BACK" she said before taking a giant dump in front of her adoring fans. It certainly looks so as the Pull Outs appear likely to cruise to their 3rd overall title but first since 2009. 

2. I Touchdown There (3-0)

Down in in the Big D the Touchdowns put up another W despite some lackluster play by Ty'Son Williams "We expected big things from Ty'Son this week against the 32nd ranked run defense but it just didn't pan out." Luckily for Coach Brungy the rest of his team all put up solid performances and he kept his record a perfect 3-0. 

3. The Huge Ditkas (3-0)

We head up to Chicago next as the HUGE Ditka's made quick work of the reeling Footlongs to advance to 3-0. Coach Mattias Settle may have found the steal of the draft in Jamar Chase who already has 4 TD catches this year. Coach Settle expected rookie QB Justin Fields to put some heat on starting QB Jalen Hurts but so far has been less than impressed "We thought Fields was ready for more time in our offense but after his performance last week we are sticking with Jalen as our #1"

4. PV Leghounds (2-1)

Is this the year that Leghound fans in PV finally get to cheer for a championship team? The Leghounds are averaging 117 points a game and cruised to an easy victory over the Lake Rats last weekend. BWKNBNC was able to reach owner Molly McKinney for a comment "Lake Rats? More like Lake Bitches, maybe come to play next time? Lil Kyler is red hot and I don't see us losing another game". Bold words from an owner without a title if you ask me. 

5. Cleveland Steamers (1-2) 

Despite scoring over 100 points each week the Steamers of Falcon Valley finally picked up their first win of the season over the hapless puff's. "It was a tough start to the season and we definitely got the best out of each of our first 2 opponents...but anytime you have Davante Adams catching balls for your team you have a competitive squad" Coach Moose told us. It also helps when you have a running back like Lamar Jaxson who is eligible to start in the QB slot. 

6. Roughing the Kooch (1-2) 

Critics are pointing out that making his defense practice without water all of last week may have contributed to Playboy owner Scott Harris losing a heartbreaker by .1 points to the Pull Outs "The last 2 weeks are all on on our defense, they scored zero and 7 points. My hot sexy Matthew Stafford and his Muscly Amish/Greek god of a receiver Cooper Kupp cant do it all god dam it". Looks like it could be another dry week of practice up in the Pacific NorthWest. 

7. The Firechiefs (1-2) 

The lil ol Firechefs picked up their first W of the year and have quietly put together a solid ball club that is averaging over 100 points a game. Unfortunately they are ineligible for the playoffs unless they PAY THEIR GOD DAM DUES.  

8. Lotawanna Lake Rats (1-2)

Despite a breakout game from Michael Williams the fourth the Lake Rats have lost their 2nd straight game and things have been getting dicey out at Lake Lotawana as boat parades have been making their way past the Walker dock shouting expletives at owner Casey Walker. "Hey Ben, I know it was you making circles by my dock in Byrons boat. The community is still behind us" Coach Walker said oblivious to the resentment building around Lake Lotawana. 

9. The Dem in Dementia (1-2)

The defending champs took a step back last week but championship coach Matt Murphy never counts himself out for the year as long as his best player is still healthy "Gnao is a fucking stud man. Yeah he is a kicker but he is the best player on my team after I traded all of my draft picks for some alone time with The Martin". The Dem's face another tough matchup next week against the undefeated Ditkas. 

10. Keckism Killers (1-2)

A paltry 60 points in Week 2 had Coach Aces Stanley shutting off media access to his team but that didn't prevent them from another disappointing performance in week 3 as they lost to the Touchdowns. The only bright side for the Killers is that they have the opportunity to kick the shit out of this weeks DUD the Firechefs next week. 

11. Puff Puff Pass (0-3)

The Puff's fell for a 3rd straight time last weekend but Coach Puff Meyers has fallen head over heels for TE TJ Hockenson. "The whole team is built around him and his great flow, my god. I haven't seen lettuce that nice since I was 12. He will be doing head and shoulders commercials with Pat and Troy within the next year". 

12. Farve Dollar Footlongs (0-3)

What is there to say about the footlongs at this point? Last year they traded a dealers choice of draft picks only to miss the playoffs and now they are paying the price and taking their licks from everyone in the league. Next up is the Touchdowns who expect the Footlongs to bend over and take it like a bitch "Our players were out late last weekend for Charlies birthday and I would love to say we bounce back next week...but thats not going to happen. The whole team is for sale" says GM Sven Murphy.