Week 2 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 East of Gods Country

Week 2 KSFBFFL Power Rankings

This weeks top spot belongs to the West Canaan Coyotes led by reclusive owner Sir Harrison W Poole. This picture, taken on the French Riviera (Ozarks) in 2006, is the last known sighting of Sir Poole. There are many rumors about his current whereabouts including leaving to fight ISIS as a one man wrecking ball, in hiding due to his chronic masturbatory syndrome or possibly just living a normal post-grad life in Prairie Village. One thing is for sure, the Coyotes are the team to beat in 2014.

Here at BWKNonBlogNewsCorp we make it a point to cover every story in depth so we reached out to Sir Harrison W Poole's secretary and were granted a brief interview with the man, the myth, the legend.

Are you surprised by your teams success so far this year?

In West Canaan, Football is a way of life - We always expect good results. 

I noticed that Ray Rice is still on your ball club, are you making a statement that you support beating women?

We will refrain from commenting on the Ray Rice situation, the league has our full support.

Julian Thomas has been a complete stud this year. How were you able to acquire him AND a second round pick for Marshawn Lynch last year?

Julius Thomas was a great acquisition last year. It takes a keen eye to recognize talent at an early point in a players career - Some organizations have it and some obviously do not.

Any predictions on how this year turns out?

I'm not one to make bold declarations but let me tell you this. We have the most talent we've had since Tweeter/Billy Bob/Wendell and Mox graced the sidelines back in 99. 



1. West Canaan Coyotes (2-0)

After week 2 the Coyotes are the only undefeated team left thanks to herculean performances by Jordy Nelson(26 Points) and Giovani Bernard (22 Points). Their trade of Marshawn Lynch last season keeps paying dividends as Julio Thomas caught another touchdown pass last week.

2. Raw Dawg (1-1)

The Dawgs put up 100 points last week but ended up with an L after the usually solid Seahawks DST scored -3 points. Antonio Gates had a breakout game scoring 27 point while Chris Johnson had another sub-par performance putting up a measly 2 points. Look for the dawgs to rebound next week against Puff Puff Pass.

3. Dixieland 3/5rs (1-1)

The 3/5rs were sweating out their match up against the defending champion Firechefs until late Sunday night when Brandon Marshall caught his third TD. RB Darren Sproles looks to be the steal of the draft (7th Round) as he currently leads all RB's in points. GM Ben Keck has decided to take a vacation to Gods Country instead of prep for next weeks game saying "Come on, we're playing Wayne, Lady could set my lineup from the waiver wire and we would still win"

4. PV Porch Monkeys (1-1)

The Porch Monkeys have rocketed up the rankings this week after scoring 107 in a upset of the Dawgs. The PM's could of scored even more but opted to leave Phillis Rivers 24 points on the bench after taking advice from a GM without much success(Jason Stanley). The monkeys are still waiting for some production from #14 overall pick Doug Martin and may be looking to acquire a running back to start some competition.

5. Keckism Killers (1-1)

Speaking of Jason Stanley the Killers check in at #5 this week after a respectable showing in week two. The Killers are hoping to stay in the hunt long enough to get Josh Gordon back in week 11....to make it that far they will need to find a better flex option as Marquise ColdStoneCreamery scored 0 points last week.

6. Slob On My Cobb (1-1)

The Cobb's didn't play bad last week but could of used Kniles Davis's 21 points to get the W. With Jamaal Charlie out for at least a couple of weeks the Cobbs are looking to ride the hot, black and sweaty, back of Kniles Davis for a couple of weeks. (CO-GM Jenny Trupka just fainted)

7. Puff Puff Pass (1-1)

The Pass's rebounded from a week one loss by bukakking the Keckism Killers with a solid performance by the entire team. 5 different players scored in double digits including Darren Sproles Backup, LeSean McCoy, who put up 15 points in garbage time work. They have a tough matchup next week against but dawgs but feel they are up to it saying "Maple syrup man! These Canucks can't get enough of it!"

8. Polygamy Pounders (1-1)

The Pounders aren't back to their normal championship form yet (Possibly due to the above 3.2 beer Cheese's parents smuggled into Utah) but they were able to squeak a win out over the Taints last week despite an injury to starting QB Roberto Griffinte. The pounders will need Colin Kapernick to step up if they want to keep this mini win streak going.

9. 50 Shades of Taint (1-1) 

The taints lost in heart wrenching fashion last week but some analysts are saying its god's way of punishing them for Harboring Child Abusing Pieces of Shit on their Roster. The Taints have no choice but to accept and coddle Adrian Peterson, who was recently arrested on a felony warrant for child abuse, now that Ben Tate and Mark Ingram are injured. When reached for a comment GM Sven Murphy simply said "I don't care how many Children he beats, just get in the dam endzone every sunday. Just win baby."

10. I Touchdown There (1-1)

Well lookie here...one week after scoring 120 Points to take down the 3/5rs the Touchdowns can only muster a lousy 55 points in a loss to the dreadful Tates. Eat a dick brungy.

11. My Lucky Tate (1-1) 

Despite winning the cripple fight against the Touchdowns last week the Tate's are still a god awful football team. With Jamaal Charles hitting the IR about as much as Adrian Peterson hits his child this could be another long year at lake lottawana.

12. FireChefs (0-2)

From First to Worst? GM Juice VanHeche don't care, telling the haters "Talk to me when you win a title". Recent news coming out of the group home on 73rd Ter is that the FireChefs could be in fire sale mode by week 5.

2014 Week 1 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

KSFBFFL Power Rankings

Look at this Smug Sack of Shit. Despite selecting STEVEN JACKSON as his keeper he knew he would have no problem in his week one match up against the Dixieland 3/5rs. In the Three years since he has joined the league The Touchdowns have come out swinging on week one scoring 102, 120 and 114 points, all victories over the Dixieland 3/5rs.

We reached out to Douchebag Micheal to ask him a couple of questions.

What do you attribute your success in week one to?

"I attribute our early success to our preparation in the off season and hard work during training camp. We made a couple moves in the draft that allowed us to better leverage our strengths and as you can see its working out well for us so far"

Was there any household Pressure to select Steven Jackson as your keeper? Some sources have reported links between Shannon Brundgart and Steven Jackson as a possible reason for the bizarre keeper selection.

"There was no pressure from the Boss to keep Jackson, those rumors are untrue and have no basis in reality. We think he still has alot of positives that he can contribute to our team and we are excited to see him on the field next week."

The Touchdowns looked like world beaters last week, how do you think they will fair this season?

The sky is the limit this year. We really think that after feeling out the league for the first couple of seasons and making the playoffs one of those years we are ready to take home the hardware. Its a long season though.....Staying healthy is a big part of success so talk to me again in 12 weeks and we will see. Just have to keep sawing wood. Speaking of wood I gotta run, the boss woman is ovulating and needs some attention if you know what I mean (Winks and walks away)"



1. I Touchdown There (1-0)

Scoring a KSFBFFL high 115 points in week one puts the touchdowns at the top spot in the inaugural power rankings. The Touchdowns have a formidable threesome in QB Matt Ryan/RB LeVon Bell/TE Vernon Davis that should keep them in most games. If the touchdowns want to hold on to the top spot throughout the season they will need some more production from Fred Jackson and Larry Fitzgerald.

2. West Canaan Coyotes (1-0)

The Coyotes owner Harrison Poole traded the farm last season and appears to be reaping the benefits. In a sport that puts emphasis on productive RB's no one in the KSFBFFL can match this teams depth at Running back(Matt Forte/Reggie Bush/Giovani Bernard/Knowshon Moreno). A top end QB may be the only thing holding this team back from a championship, look for one of these backs to be dealt by mid season. We reached out to GM Harrison Poole who told us "Anything can happen".

3. Raw Dawgs (1-0)

Locking up the 3 spot this week are the Dawgs who thoroughly dismantled the storied Polygamy Pounders in week one. The Dawgs are led by a pair of Mile High Studs(Manning/Ball) and a solid cast of surrounding characters.

4. Slobb on my Cobb (1-0)

The Cobbs are another team that has benefited from the new rules allowing draft picks to be traded as they crushed the Lucky Tate's last week. Matthew Stafford and Marshawn Lynch (Combined 53 points) may be the best QB/RB combo in the league. If the Cobbs can get solid production from Andre Ellington/Torrey Smith/Alshon Jeffery this season could be special. GM Tristan Trupka already has a planned for increased production from those three saying simply "Lashings".

5. Dixieland 3/5r's (0-1)

Despite scoring 95 points last week the 3/5rs were once again crushed in week one by the Touchdowns. 4th round pick Cam Newton should return next week to give the 3/5rs a lift in their match up against he defending champs. A RB core that was questioned going into the year had a solid showing in week one. GM Ben Keck plans to keep "Chopping wood" and stay focused on "Getting a little better every day".

6. 50 Shades of Taint (1-0)

The Taints pulled out a W last week but didn't look very impressive in their 84-68 win over the Puff's. Steven Murphy doesn't seem concerned about Adrian Peterson and Dez Bryant's lack of production saying "I take full Responsibility, I didn't get the ball in their hands enough. But, ultimately a W was first on our list and we accomplished that". RB Carlos Hyde was a bright spot on the bench and could become a starter by mid season.

7. Keckism Killers (1-0)

Is this the year the Killers break their championship drought? Team owner Jason Jones certainly thinks so saying "If the 3/5rs can win back to back titles, WHY NOT US??!?" Unfortunately for the Killers they lacked championship form while sleepwalking to a W over the PV Porch monkeys. If the Killers are for real about competing for a championship they will need some more production from Aaron Rodgers and their WR's.

8. Polygamy Pounders (0-1)

The Pounders have been a model of consistency by reaching the playoffs every year since they relocated to Utah but could this be the year they miss the cut? Injuries to RB Eddie Lacy and Toby Gerhart have the Pounders scrounging the waiver wire for replacements.


9. FireChefs (0-1)

Championship Hangover maybe? GM Juice VanKueser agree's saying "We have a bad team this year. The owner was drunk when he drafted...luckily the championship bought me at least 5 years with the fans so I can afford a shitty season. Hell just look at the 3/5r's, they haven't won a title since Prince was a coach and their fans still show up". Cordelle Patterson looks to be a great selection but may have his production canceled out by a slumping Zac Stacy.

10. PV Porch Monkeys (0-1)

Speaking of championship game hangovers the Monkeys certainly looked uninspired in their week one loss to the Killers. If the Monkeys want to compete for a championship again this year they are going to need more production from the #14 overall pick Doug Martin who scored 0 points last week.

11. Puff Puff Pass (0-1)

The Puff's shocked the world last year with a 3rd place finish but seem to have lost their way putting up a measly 68 points in a week one loss to the taints. The Puff's have the talent to compete but need to avoid starting 0-4 before getting WR Wes Welker back from suspension.

12. My Lucky Tate (0-1)

The Tate's vowed that this year would be different, they were a changed team and had a responsible married GM at the helm...Unfortunately things looked the same as always in week one.  QB Andrew Luck was the only player in double digits and Jamaal Charles only scored 2 points.