Week 9 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

Touchdowns Are on Top! 

Touchdowns GM Mike Brungardt enjoys the perks of being #1 in the KSFBFFL Power rankings

1. I Touchdown There (7-1) – Is this this the year The Touchdowns finally break through and win the Martin? GM Mike Brungy thinks so and has traded his 3^rd round pick next year to acquire troubled running back Zeke Elliot. Here with a comment is Touchdowns Superfan Kyle Jacobs “FUCKING RIGHT WE GOT ZEKE! WE ARE THRILLED TO HAVE ZEKE JOIN THE TEAM, THAT’S A GUY YOU WANT ON YOUR SIDE WHETHER ITS ON THE FIELD OR WHEN YOU PULL OUT A SHOTGUN AND TRY AND FIND YOUR SISTERS BF!!! WHOSE DRINKING TONIGHT YOU FUCKING F****TS!?!”

2. Farve Dollar Footlongs (6-2) – The High Flying Footlongs dropped another hundred spot on the hapless Killers last week but some fans in the Carolinas are questioning whether they can win a title with Lil Kyler Murray or Baked Mayfield slinging the rock. This week’s matchup against the Gartner Snakes has Coach Charlie Murphy pulling out all the stops “Our team is led by our defense and we are working on some schemes to stop the garter snakes. Those tactics include letting chickens roam the field, removing all snacks from the visiting locker room vending machine and last but not least, dousing the field in our trade marked Coach Charlies Snake-A-Way Repellent.”

3. Texas Dawgs (6-2) – With a statement win over the Leghounds last week the Dawgs have announced to the league that they are a legitimate contender for the Martin. BWKNBNC caught up with Owner Emily Murphy at the local nail salon to get her take “We have depth and leadership on our team, when you have those 2 things the sky is the limit” she said before chastising the nail lady for taking too long.

4. Prairie Village Leghounds (6-2) – The Leghounds still lead the league in Points scored but after averaging 120 points per game in the first 5 weeks they have managed a paltry 87.6 over the last 3 games. Coach Lola Mckinney is not concerned though “The Leghounds have been dealing with some injuries lately. Don’t be surprised if we are active at the trade deadline”  

5. NE JoCo Garter Snakes (4-4) – This team is a model of consistency who has scored over 85 points in 7 of their 8 games…unfortunately their ceiling seems to be pretty low as their high score on the year is only 105pts. Team President Benjamin William Keck IV is not worried though “Look here you pissant reporter, we have the number 1 QB in PPG and our 3 RB’s are all in the top 10 of points scored. Don’t you dare question my team and get off my lawn before I go Walt Kowalski on your stupid ass”

6. Roughing The Kooch (4-3-1) – Playboy Owner Scott Harris is sailing his Yacht (Technically his crew is sailing it) in Southeast Asia this week but was kind enough to Phone into to the weekly BWKNBNC teleconference. “After a shameful AutoDraft we knew we had work to do. That meant canning a few people and making some smart waiver pickups. We had many doubters, had several trash trade offers from teams thinking they could take advantage of a new owner, but we persevered into the well oiled machines we are today…..Now if you excuse me I need to dock this Yacht in Manilla Harbor and pickup some fresh “Produce””.

7. Slobb On My Cobb (4-4) – When rumors that Zeke Elliot had been involved in another “Domestic” incident surfaced GM Jenny Trupka had enough. “Slobb on My Cobb recognizes that all genders/identities/pronouns deserve to be treated with respect and I can’t have Zeke Running around Falcon Ridge punching the cart girls. Luckily we were able to move the bad apple during this rebuilding year for a significant pick”

8. Keckism Killers (3-4-1) – Despite being only a game or two outside of the playoff picture Coach Aces Stanley has decided to hold a firesale “We live by a simple motto here on the river boat…If You Ain’t First, You’re Last”

9. The Huge Ditka’s (3-5) – Ditka’s owner Matt “Button” Settles was recently served with a restraining order by the New Orleans Police Department after camping outside of Alvin Kamara’s house for 5 days holding a prayer vigil for his health. “It didn’t work” Button Settles said “And now I can’t visit New Orleans for 6-9 Months ☹ “

10. Puff Puff Pass (3-5) – Coach Puff Meyers has pulled the plug on the season and is looking to deal some significant assets. We caught up with him on the Frisbee Golf course and he laid it our for us “Michael Thomas is the #1 WR and will be traded. Amari Cooper is the #7 WR and will be traded….It’s time to plan for next year”

11. Deadbeat Darryls (2-6) – “I’ve got a 5 month old baby and a Toddler at home, you think I have enough time to be good at Fantasy Football too?” GM Stephanie Walker said about this lost season.

12. The FireChiefs (0-8) – After having the greatest fantasy season ever in 2013 the FireChefs are trying to set the record for futility as well. No team has ever gone winless in a KSFBFFL season but the FireChefs are giving it a run this year. “Fans just never know what they are going to get with this team, its exciting!” Coach Van Heche said before he broke down and cried for a full 17 minutes. 

Week 5 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

WEEK 5 POWER RANKINGS

1. Mississippi Leg Hounds 3-1 – Despite a tough loss last week to the Darryls the Leg Hounds hold on to the top spot in the rankings. I ran into Head Ball Coach McKinney at the local watering hole and asked him if he was looking to add any players or if his current squad was enough “We really like our team right now” he said while twiddling his hair “We have great locker room chemistry as evident by our league leading point total but we always have an ear open to any trade discussions”.

 2. Farve Dollar Footlongs 3-1 – The Footlongs put up an impressive 121 points last week to crush the rival Firechiefs. “We feel really good right now after that big W” Coach Charlie Muphy said as he licked where his balls used to be “Despite our good play we have not seen the success we projected from a couple of positions like QB and TE. We aren’t giving up on our guys yet but those are two areas we may look to target before the trade deadline. Right now all our focus is on giving the Leg Hounds a taste of their own medicine #Humptown”

3.  I Touchdown There 3-1 – BWKNBNC ran into Touchdowns owner Mike Gomez at Sonic the other day and asked him about his surprising 3-1 start “We have been quite pleased with our teams performance over the last couple of weeks. Our QB is really finding his stride and the other guys are doing what they are supposed to do” The Touchdowns have a gimme next week against the Firechiefs so they should be 4-1 without any issues.

4. Texas Dawgs 3-1 – Despite being 3-1 the Dawgs are not sitting on their laurels “Watson is off to a slow start and we may be looking for another QB, also have some work to do at the TE position” GM Dawg Murphy said at his weekly press conference (shirtless in front of a mirror) “We are in win now mode and will wait for more sellers to emerge before we make any deals”. If I know anything about the Dawgs its that they are always in win now mode and they never wait to make a deal. Is GM Dawg Murphy blowing smoke?

5. NE JoCo Garter Snakes 3-1 – Another week and another win from the sneaky garter snakes. Owner Ben Keck dropped some produce by the BWKNBNC office and had this to say about his team’s matchup with the Puff’s next week “Puffs? Pfft, more like the Puds. Our team is projected to score 99 and we will beat that by at least 15. Katy bar the door, the Garter Snakes are coming!”

6. Keckism Killers 1-3 – The Killers have the 3^rd highest point total in the league but due to some bad luck they currently sit at 1-3. “We will see what the next few weeks bring” Coach Aces Stanley said “Whatever happens over the next couple of weeks we are going to go HARD in one direction or the other”

7. Huge Ditkas 2-2 –  While not as dominant as they were last year the Ditka’s are still a force to be reckoned with as long as Kamara is healthy. With a big matchup this week against the Texas Dawgs GM Button Settles is not worried “Did you win the Martin last year? No?!? Then shut the fuck up and get out of my face AND IF YOU EVER CALL ME BUTTON SETTLES AGAIN I WILL CUT YOU.”

8. Slob on my Cobb 2-2 – “We knew this rebuilding year would be a struggle and we have a couple of workhorses in the stable who are getting fed up with our teams play” Back to Back champ Tucker Linville said while turning some wrenches in his garage. “These workhorses aren’t ready to start sucking for Tua yet and want to bring the Martin back home”. This weeks matchup against the Killers could be a do or die game for both teams.

9. Deadbeat Darryls 2-2 – Coach Wayne Walker and the Deadbeats pulled off heart stopping 1 pt win last week over the Leg Hounds and expect more of the same this week “Practice has been great but we have not executed as well on the field. We are looking forward to this weeks matchup against the Kooch’s and expect big numbers from our running game”.

10. Puff Puff Pass 1-3 – While GM Puff Meyers might be giving up on winning the title this year he does have one goal left for the season “I refuse to finish behind 1^st year coach Scott Harris. October is a big month and we need to start putting some W’s up on the board"

11. Roughing the Kooch 1-3 – First year Coach Julie Harris is still getting used to the grind of the KSFBFFL schedule “Unfortunately our team has been plagued by injuries the past few weeks. However….we have the finest back room doctors working on the players and just received a fresh supply of horse steroids from Mexico. We don’t plan on selling off any players at this point but if the Steroids are duds we may have no choice". 

12. The Firechiefs 0-4 – BWKNBNC reached out The Firechiefs team president Justin Van Hecke for his thoughts on their disappointing start “Are you serious clark? What would your thoughts be if your team was 0-4 and having one of the worst seasons in the history of fantasy football?!? EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS FOR SALE”.