Week 9 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

Touchdowns Are on Top! 

Touchdowns GM Mike Brungardt enjoys the perks of being #1 in the KSFBFFL Power rankings

1. I Touchdown There (7-1) – Is this this the year The Touchdowns finally break through and win the Martin? GM Mike Brungy thinks so and has traded his 3^rd round pick next year to acquire troubled running back Zeke Elliot. Here with a comment is Touchdowns Superfan Kyle Jacobs “FUCKING RIGHT WE GOT ZEKE! WE ARE THRILLED TO HAVE ZEKE JOIN THE TEAM, THAT’S A GUY YOU WANT ON YOUR SIDE WHETHER ITS ON THE FIELD OR WHEN YOU PULL OUT A SHOTGUN AND TRY AND FIND YOUR SISTERS BF!!! WHOSE DRINKING TONIGHT YOU FUCKING F****TS!?!”

2. Farve Dollar Footlongs (6-2) – The High Flying Footlongs dropped another hundred spot on the hapless Killers last week but some fans in the Carolinas are questioning whether they can win a title with Lil Kyler Murray or Baked Mayfield slinging the rock. This week’s matchup against the Gartner Snakes has Coach Charlie Murphy pulling out all the stops “Our team is led by our defense and we are working on some schemes to stop the garter snakes. Those tactics include letting chickens roam the field, removing all snacks from the visiting locker room vending machine and last but not least, dousing the field in our trade marked Coach Charlies Snake-A-Way Repellent.”

3. Texas Dawgs (6-2) – With a statement win over the Leghounds last week the Dawgs have announced to the league that they are a legitimate contender for the Martin. BWKNBNC caught up with Owner Emily Murphy at the local nail salon to get her take “We have depth and leadership on our team, when you have those 2 things the sky is the limit” she said before chastising the nail lady for taking too long.

4. Prairie Village Leghounds (6-2) – The Leghounds still lead the league in Points scored but after averaging 120 points per game in the first 5 weeks they have managed a paltry 87.6 over the last 3 games. Coach Lola Mckinney is not concerned though “The Leghounds have been dealing with some injuries lately. Don’t be surprised if we are active at the trade deadline”  

5. NE JoCo Garter Snakes (4-4) – This team is a model of consistency who has scored over 85 points in 7 of their 8 games…unfortunately their ceiling seems to be pretty low as their high score on the year is only 105pts. Team President Benjamin William Keck IV is not worried though “Look here you pissant reporter, we have the number 1 QB in PPG and our 3 RB’s are all in the top 10 of points scored. Don’t you dare question my team and get off my lawn before I go Walt Kowalski on your stupid ass”

6. Roughing The Kooch (4-3-1) – Playboy Owner Scott Harris is sailing his Yacht (Technically his crew is sailing it) in Southeast Asia this week but was kind enough to Phone into to the weekly BWKNBNC teleconference. “After a shameful AutoDraft we knew we had work to do. That meant canning a few people and making some smart waiver pickups. We had many doubters, had several trash trade offers from teams thinking they could take advantage of a new owner, but we persevered into the well oiled machines we are today…..Now if you excuse me I need to dock this Yacht in Manilla Harbor and pickup some fresh “Produce””.

7. Slobb On My Cobb (4-4) – When rumors that Zeke Elliot had been involved in another “Domestic” incident surfaced GM Jenny Trupka had enough. “Slobb on My Cobb recognizes that all genders/identities/pronouns deserve to be treated with respect and I can’t have Zeke Running around Falcon Ridge punching the cart girls. Luckily we were able to move the bad apple during this rebuilding year for a significant pick”

8. Keckism Killers (3-4-1) – Despite being only a game or two outside of the playoff picture Coach Aces Stanley has decided to hold a firesale “We live by a simple motto here on the river boat…If You Ain’t First, You’re Last”

9. The Huge Ditka’s (3-5) – Ditka’s owner Matt “Button” Settles was recently served with a restraining order by the New Orleans Police Department after camping outside of Alvin Kamara’s house for 5 days holding a prayer vigil for his health. “It didn’t work” Button Settles said “And now I can’t visit New Orleans for 6-9 Months ☹ “

10. Puff Puff Pass (3-5) – Coach Puff Meyers has pulled the plug on the season and is looking to deal some significant assets. We caught up with him on the Frisbee Golf course and he laid it our for us “Michael Thomas is the #1 WR and will be traded. Amari Cooper is the #7 WR and will be traded….It’s time to plan for next year”

11. Deadbeat Darryls (2-6) – “I’ve got a 5 month old baby and a Toddler at home, you think I have enough time to be good at Fantasy Football too?” GM Stephanie Walker said about this lost season.

12. The FireChiefs (0-8) – After having the greatest fantasy season ever in 2013 the FireChefs are trying to set the record for futility as well. No team has ever gone winless in a KSFBFFL season but the FireChefs are giving it a run this year. “Fans just never know what they are going to get with this team, its exciting!” Coach Van Heche said before he broke down and cried for a full 17 minutes.