Ben Ji

140 Miles East of God's Country

Week 4 Power Rankings!

Wow folks! What a start to the first 3 weeks of the 13th edition of the Kansas State's Finest Bros Fantasy Football League! Before we get to the much anticipated power rankings lets take a minute to recognize some STUDS and DUDS of this last week. First up the STUDS

STUDS - This week's STUD award is a 3 way tie as Ben Keck, Michael Brungy and Mattias Settle are all undefeated after the first 3 games. Great work by all the STUDS! 

DUD - This week's DUD is Justin Van Heche who is the only person who has not paid his fantasy football dues yet. C'mon Juice, figure it out and stop being a DUD!  

1. Biden Pulls Out (3-0)

The crowd on W 75th street was 4 inches deep and full of waving flags as the Pull Outs returned home from their heart stopping .1 point victory over the Kooch's last week. Coach Lady was showered with dog bones but stopped for a quick word with reporters "WE ARE BACK" she said before taking a giant dump in front of her adoring fans. It certainly looks so as the Pull Outs appear likely to cruise to their 3rd overall title but first since 2009. 

2. I Touchdown There (3-0)

Down in in the Big D the Touchdowns put up another W despite some lackluster play by Ty'Son Williams "We expected big things from Ty'Son this week against the 32nd ranked run defense but it just didn't pan out." Luckily for Coach Brungy the rest of his team all put up solid performances and he kept his record a perfect 3-0. 

3. The Huge Ditkas (3-0)

We head up to Chicago next as the HUGE Ditka's made quick work of the reeling Footlongs to advance to 3-0. Coach Mattias Settle may have found the steal of the draft in Jamar Chase who already has 4 TD catches this year. Coach Settle expected rookie QB Justin Fields to put some heat on starting QB Jalen Hurts but so far has been less than impressed "We thought Fields was ready for more time in our offense but after his performance last week we are sticking with Jalen as our #1"

4. PV Leghounds (2-1)

Is this the year that Leghound fans in PV finally get to cheer for a championship team? The Leghounds are averaging 117 points a game and cruised to an easy victory over the Lake Rats last weekend. BWKNBNC was able to reach owner Molly McKinney for a comment "Lake Rats? More like Lake Bitches, maybe come to play next time? Lil Kyler is red hot and I don't see us losing another game". Bold words from an owner without a title if you ask me. 

5. Cleveland Steamers (1-2) 

Despite scoring over 100 points each week the Steamers of Falcon Valley finally picked up their first win of the season over the hapless puff's. "It was a tough start to the season and we definitely got the best out of each of our first 2 opponents...but anytime you have Davante Adams catching balls for your team you have a competitive squad" Coach Moose told us. It also helps when you have a running back like Lamar Jaxson who is eligible to start in the QB slot. 

6. Roughing the Kooch (1-2) 

Critics are pointing out that making his defense practice without water all of last week may have contributed to Playboy owner Scott Harris losing a heartbreaker by .1 points to the Pull Outs "The last 2 weeks are all on on our defense, they scored zero and 7 points. My hot sexy Matthew Stafford and his Muscly Amish/Greek god of a receiver Cooper Kupp cant do it all god dam it". Looks like it could be another dry week of practice up in the Pacific NorthWest. 

7. The Firechiefs (1-2) 

The lil ol Firechefs picked up their first W of the year and have quietly put together a solid ball club that is averaging over 100 points a game. Unfortunately they are ineligible for the playoffs unless they PAY THEIR GOD DAM DUES.  

8. Lotawanna Lake Rats (1-2)

Despite a breakout game from Michael Williams the fourth the Lake Rats have lost their 2nd straight game and things have been getting dicey out at Lake Lotawana as boat parades have been making their way past the Walker dock shouting expletives at owner Casey Walker. "Hey Ben, I know it was you making circles by my dock in Byrons boat. The community is still behind us" Coach Walker said oblivious to the resentment building around Lake Lotawana. 

9. The Dem in Dementia (1-2)

The defending champs took a step back last week but championship coach Matt Murphy never counts himself out for the year as long as his best player is still healthy "Gnao is a fucking stud man. Yeah he is a kicker but he is the best player on my team after I traded all of my draft picks for some alone time with The Martin". The Dem's face another tough matchup next week against the undefeated Ditkas. 

10. Keckism Killers (1-2)

A paltry 60 points in Week 2 had Coach Aces Stanley shutting off media access to his team but that didn't prevent them from another disappointing performance in week 3 as they lost to the Touchdowns. The only bright side for the Killers is that they have the opportunity to kick the shit out of this weeks DUD the Firechefs next week. 

11. Puff Puff Pass (0-3)

The Puff's fell for a 3rd straight time last weekend but Coach Puff Meyers has fallen head over heels for TE TJ Hockenson. "The whole team is built around him and his great flow, my god. I haven't seen lettuce that nice since I was 12. He will be doing head and shoulders commercials with Pat and Troy within the next year". 

12. Farve Dollar Footlongs (0-3)

What is there to say about the footlongs at this point? Last year they traded a dealers choice of draft picks only to miss the playoffs and now they are paying the price and taking their licks from everyone in the league. Next up is the Touchdowns who expect the Footlongs to bend over and take it like a bitch "Our players were out late last weekend for Charlies birthday and I would love to say we bounce back next week...but thats not going to happen. The whole team is for sale" says GM Sven Murphy. 

2021 KSFBFFL SEASON PREVIEW

 Ben ji
140 miles east of Gods Country

2021 KSFBFFL PREVIEW

Biden Pulls Out – 

After a disappointing 2020 season Legendary Owner Ben Keck has renamed his squad to honor president Joe Biden's pull out game. "Look, pulling out is not something anyone ever wants to do. It sucks and it doesn't feel nearly as good as staying in but sometimes its your only option" Keck said. The Pull Outs have already lost #36 overall draft pick Gustavo Edwards to a torn ACL but are still loaded with talented players like Derrick Henry, Josh Jacobs, Josh Allen and more. "Obviously it hurt when Edwards went down and we are still looking into the cause. Rumor has it a scout from the Keckism Killers was seen spraying our practice field with WD-40 the night before, rest assured the league is looking into it". When asked about his teams vaccination policy Keck replied "All of them. Moderna, Pfrizer. J&J. They've had all 3 and will get some booster shots come december."

 

Prairie Village Football Team –

 

Is this the year the Football Team finally brings the Martin home to W 70^th St? GM Lola McKinney thinks they have a good shot “With Aaron Jones and Austin Ekeler leading the way we have high expectations. If we can stay healthy we are expecting a deep playoff run this season”. We asked Lola about rumors regarding star QB Lil Kyler Murray encouraging his teammates to use horse de-wormer instead of getting the vaccine “It’s true we had a disturbance at the start of camp but our team doctors clarified some misinformation out there and encouraged all our players to get vaccinated”. Look for the Football team so have another solid yet under achieving 2021 season. 

 

The Firechiefs –

The Firechefs are a has been franchise who bitch about the media's lack of coverage but then never respond when the media reaches out for comments. 

 

I Touchdown There –

 

“Pat is the heart and soul of this team” Coach Brungy said “But our title hopes ride on our decision to bring Zeke back after cutting him loose this offseason”. With Stefon Diggs leading the WR core the Touchdowns may be primed for a deep run unless their decision to not mandate their players get a covid vaccine comes back to haunt them. We asked Coach Brungy about this decision “Look, we had a tremendous offseason and have already declared victory over Covid by getting all the players infected in early July. While we believe the Vaccine will give us the best chance to field a full and healthy team all year we are not mandating it. The government does not control our lives!”

 

Cleveland Steamers –

Two time Champ Tristan Trupka is always a threat to win the martin but apparently does not believe his QB Lamar Jackson is a true leader "Look, Lamar is a hell of a QB but keep him the hell away from a microphone". The Steamers return veteran DeVonte Adams and will be leaning on him to calm the nerves of younger steamers before the start of the season "Alot of players are nervous about their first time performing a Cleveland Steamer, DeVonte has been there and done that and will show them that its really not a big deal, clean up is easier than it looks". In regards to his team's vaccination policy Tucker said "We stopped all vaccinations after reaching 69% of the team"...Nice

Roughing the Kooch –

 

The Kooch’s recently relocated to the Seattle area after being banned from the state of Oregon for flicking hot pennies at homeless people. “It was a complete misunderstanding” Playboy Owner Scott Harris said while petting his tame Bobcat Gerome “But we are not here to speak about that. Let me tell you about my squad. We had a great draft and are really a well-balanced team which will pay dividends as the season progresses. Keep an eye on that Cooper Kupp kid for a breakout season, he looks like an Amish guy and that means he has god on his side”. We asked Scott if there was any truth to a mandatory PED program program being instituted this off season and if it included vaccinations "My boys are well honed killing machines, the Wuhan Flu will be the least of their concerns"

 

Keckism Killers –

 

Coach Jason “Big Mac” Stanley is a confident man heading into the opening weekend “We feel like we have a football team that could make some noise, we expect to be in the playoffs and we expect to compete for Championships”. Its been a couple of years since the Killers have competed for a championship but Coach Big Mac thinks Tyreek Hill can get his team back in contention “He’s a heck of a player that Tyreek, the heart and soul of our team and we expect him to be the top receiver in the league this year”. Unfortunately for the Killers their RB’s are weaker than a 90 year old overweight covid patient…In regards to his team being prepared for any covid related issues Big Mac refused to address the question “This is a professional and championship level organization and we do not disclose medical information”.

 

Farve Dollar Footlongs –

Despite missing the playoffs last year the Footlongs were missing 2 of their first 5 picks. "It was rough" Coach Svenika said "But Charlie worked his ass off, slept outside for 2 weeks straight leading up to the draft just pouring through research and we like the result". The Footlongs 2020 season started a downward spiral last season when Run CMC went down and they are looking for a healthy season out of their top playmaker. When asked if there was any potential for a covid outbreak this season Svenika responded "No worries here, our team has been 100% "Vaccinated" via bleach and copious amounts of steroids and HGH" 

 

The Huge Ditkas –

 

Coach Settle is expecting a rebuilding year but hopes to still be competitive with Alvin Kamara on the squad “Alvin will have the team on his back this year but we are hoping new comer Jalen Hurts can shoulder some of that burden”. The big city liberals up in Chicago are getting impantient with the Ditkas lack of success after their title run a couple of years ago so expect attendance to be light if they do enter another rebuilding year. When it comes to Covid related issues Settle isn’t worried about it “All summer long we shared the same message. You’re a dick if you get sick without a prick”

 

The Dem in Dementia –

 

The fighting dawgs went all in to win the Martin last year and will have an uphill battle to compete this year due to a lack of draft picks but GM Matt Murphy is not worried. "This is a rebuilding year after our championship season. It's not looking good on paper but these kids have alot of heart". The Dem's are led by veteran players Travis Kelsey and Julio Jones but the dawg expect big things from some young guns. "Hubert and DeVonta Smith have both looked great in camp so far, I think the Vaccine shot our team doctor gave them had a little extra in it (wink wink)". When asked about the teams vaccination policy Murphy said "As the owner, I was forced to get vaxed upon moving cities by commissioner lady but I leave it up to my players to do what's best for them. Communism isn't one of our core principles". 

 

Lotowana Lake Rats –

The Lake Rats made a surprise run to the championship game last year but things are looking bleak out at Lake Lotawana as Casey Couldn't even take 5 minutes out of his day to respond to the media's request for comments. 

Puff Puff Pass -

When reached for comment all Coach Meyers could say was "I blame Auto Draft"