Ben ji
140 miles east of Gods Country
2021 KSFBFFL PREVIEW
Biden Pulls Out –
After a disappointing 2020 season Legendary Owner Ben Keck has renamed his squad to honor president Joe Biden's pull out game. "Look, pulling out is not something anyone ever wants to do. It sucks and it doesn't feel nearly as good as staying in but sometimes its your only option" Keck said. The Pull Outs have already lost #36 overall draft pick Gustavo Edwards to a torn ACL but are still loaded with talented players like Derrick Henry, Josh Jacobs, Josh Allen and more. "Obviously it hurt when Edwards went down and we are still looking into the cause. Rumor has it a scout from the Keckism Killers was seen spraying our practice field with WD-40 the night before, rest assured the league is looking into it". When asked about his teams vaccination policy Keck replied "All of them. Moderna, Pfrizer. J&J. They've had all 3 and will get some booster shots come december."
Prairie Village Football Team –
Is this the year the Football Team finally brings the Martin home to W 70th St? GM Lola McKinney thinks they have a good shot “With Aaron Jones and Austin Ekeler leading the way we have high expectations. If we can stay healthy we are expecting a deep playoff run this season”. We asked Lola about rumors regarding star QB Lil Kyler Murray encouraging his teammates to use horse de-wormer instead of getting the vaccine “It’s true we had a disturbance at the start of camp but our team doctors clarified some misinformation out there and encouraged all our players to get vaccinated”. Look for the Football team so have another solid yet under achieving 2021 season.
The Firechiefs –
The Firechefs are a has been franchise who bitch about the media's lack of coverage but then never respond when the media reaches out for comments.
I Touchdown There –
“Pat is the heart and soul of this team” Coach Brungy said “But our title hopes ride on our decision to bring Zeke back after cutting him loose this offseason”. With Stefon Diggs leading the WR core the Touchdowns may be primed for a deep run unless their decision to not mandate their players get a covid vaccine comes back to haunt them. We asked Coach Brungy about this decision “Look, we had a tremendous offseason and have already declared victory over Covid by getting all the players infected in early July. While we believe the Vaccine will give us the best chance to field a full and healthy team all year we are not mandating it. The government does not control our lives!”
Cleveland Steamers –
Two time Champ Tristan Trupka is always a threat to win the martin but apparently does not believe his QB Lamar Jackson is a true leader "Look, Lamar is a hell of a QB but keep him the hell away from a microphone". The Steamers return veteran DeVonte Adams and will be leaning on him to calm the nerves of younger steamers before the start of the season "Alot of players are nervous about their first time performing a Cleveland Steamer, DeVonte has been there and done that and will show them that its really not a big deal, clean up is easier than it looks". In regards to his team's vaccination policy Tucker said "We stopped all vaccinations after reaching 69% of the team"...Nice
Roughing the Kooch –
The Kooch’s recently relocated to the Seattle area after being banned from the state of Oregon for flicking hot pennies at homeless people. “It was a complete misunderstanding” Playboy Owner Scott Harris said while petting his tame Bobcat Gerome “But we are not here to speak about that. Let me tell you about my squad. We had a great draft and are really a well-balanced team which will pay dividends as the season progresses. Keep an eye on that Cooper Kupp kid for a breakout season, he looks like an Amish guy and that means he has god on his side”. We asked Scott if there was any truth to a mandatory PED program program being instituted this off season and if it included vaccinations "My boys are well honed killing machines, the Wuhan Flu will be the least of their concerns"
Keckism Killers –
Coach Jason “Big Mac” Stanley is a confident man heading into the opening weekend “We feel like we have a football team that could make some noise, we expect to be in the playoffs and we expect to compete for Championships”. Its been a couple of years since the Killers have competed for a championship but Coach Big Mac thinks Tyreek Hill can get his team back in contention “He’s a heck of a player that Tyreek, the heart and soul of our team and we expect him to be the top receiver in the league this year”. Unfortunately for the Killers their RB’s are weaker than a 90 year old overweight covid patient…In regards to his team being prepared for any covid related issues Big Mac refused to address the question “This is a professional and championship level organization and we do not disclose medical information”.
Farve Dollar Footlongs –
Despite missing the playoffs last year the Footlongs were missing 2 of their first 5 picks. "It was rough" Coach Svenika said "But Charlie worked his ass off, slept outside for 2 weeks straight leading up to the draft just pouring through research and we like the result". The Footlongs 2020 season started a downward spiral last season when Run CMC went down and they are looking for a healthy season out of their top playmaker. When asked if there was any potential for a covid outbreak this season Svenika responded "No worries here, our team has been 100% "Vaccinated" via bleach and copious amounts of steroids and HGH"
The Huge Ditkas –
Coach Settle is expecting a rebuilding year but hopes to still be competitive with Alvin Kamara on the squad “Alvin will have the team on his back this year but we are hoping new comer Jalen Hurts can shoulder some of that burden”. The big city liberals up in Chicago are getting impantient with the Ditkas lack of success after their title run a couple of years ago so expect attendance to be light if they do enter another rebuilding year. When it comes to Covid related issues Settle isn’t worried about it “All summer long we shared the same message. You’re a dick if you get sick without a prick”
The Dem in Dementia –
The fighting dawgs went all in to win the Martin last year and will have an uphill battle to compete this year due to a lack of draft picks but GM Matt Murphy is not worried. "This is a rebuilding year after our championship season. It's not looking good on paper but these kids have alot of heart". The Dem's are led by veteran players Travis Kelsey and Julio Jones but the dawg expect big things from some young guns. "Hubert and DeVonta Smith have both looked great in camp so far, I think the Vaccine shot our team doctor gave them had a little extra in it (wink wink)". When asked about the teams vaccination policy Murphy said "As the owner, I was forced to get vaxed upon moving cities by commissioner lady but I leave it up to my players to do what's best for them. Communism isn't one of our core principles".
Lotowana Lake Rats –
The Lake Rats made a surprise run to the championship game last year but things are looking bleak out at Lake Lotawana as Casey Couldn't even take 5 minutes out of his day to respond to the media's request for comments.
Puff Puff Pass -
When reached for comment all Coach Meyers could say was "I blame Auto Draft"
No comments:
Post a Comment