120 Miles East of Gods Country
Are the Footlongs and Killers in danger of missing the playoffs AGAIN?
The Keckism Killers and Farve Dollar Footlongs are 2 of the original Franchises of the KSFBFFL so it came as quite the surprise last year when both missed the playoffs. Fear not they said, we just need to rebuild and we will be back.....And it looked like that for a bit. The Footlongs started the year hitting on all cylinders as they put up 143 pts in week 1, but have now lost 3 of their last 4 including losses to the rebuilding Monkeys and Pounders.
Meanwhile the Killers started the year with high expectations after acquiring 6 draft picks in the first 4 rounds. They were hot out the gate going 2-1 while scoring at least 93 points in every game but have slumped lately. They are now 3-3 and have scored 65pts or below in 2 of the last 3 weeks. If these two traditional powers keep sliding it may allow some fresh blood like the Touchdowns, Tates and Pass's to sneak into the playoffs.
1. The Huge Ditkas 5-1
Another week and another W is hung on the wall of GM Matthew Settles 1 bedroom studio apartment underneath the rickety L tracks of Chicago. The Ditka's are loaded at all positions except QB, a void that may be filled soon "My gut switching of both mediocre QBs has shown success so far but I may need one top of the line starter to finish the season out" Settle said before before rubbing salt in the wounds of the Touchdowns "I tried to hand the game to Brundgart last week by leaving 40 pts on the bench but we proved to be too strong!".
2. Raytown 3/5rs 4-2
The Three Fifthers continue to roll as they settle into their new digs in Raytown, this time it was a 97-40 win over the hapless Monkeys. Newly acquired RB Jonathan Stewart scored 20 pts and their first round pick Lamar Miller finally got in the end zone(twice) on his way to scoring 28 pts. With Doug "The Muscle Hamster" Martin set to return from injury in a couple of weeks this team is starting to take the shape of a championship contender. "We feel good" Coach Lady Keck said "We trust that Jacquiz can fill in adequately until Dougie returns and know that Matthew Ryan is going to keep slinging the ball to TY Hilton and Michael Evans".
3. The Firechefs 4-2
I would like to personally thank Firechefs GM Justin Van Heche for not only hosting my birthday party this Friday but also the KSFBFFL Fall meeting! Come prepared to swap draft picks for players this Friday 10-21 where all the out of towners and locals can meet in one place! In other news the Firechefs lost a heartbreaker to the Destroyers last week and now face the surging Auto Pass's. Better set your lineup before you spend all weekend making out with your WIFE!
4. Farve Dollar Footlongs 3-3
What is going on in Cigar City USA? Despite a 109 pt performance last week the Footlongs fell for the 3rd time in 4 games. The running back core of Anderson/Forte/Blount that once looked so ferocious now looks more like a stray cat trapped in an alley. With a trip to Mid America on the schedule this week we asked GM Sven Ali Baba how the travel may affect his team's performance. "No issues" he said, "We like our matchup this week against the Cobb's, look for a bounce back win"
5. Zipper Destroyers 3-3
I don't know what to make of these destroyers...Do they have an offensive nickname? Yes. Do they have a GM with Championship level skills? Yes (2 baseball titles). But something just doesn't seem right about the Destroyers being a legit contender though. Maybe its because their owner Matt Murphy is a complete dick to the media saying "No we don't plan on acquiring another QB. Marcus and Dak are our Quarterbacks. Let me know when you have a good question, Ben"
6. My Lucky Tates 3-3
PEW! PEW! PEW! The Tates came out all guns a blazing last week led by 25 pts from Kenny Britt and 22 pts from Spencer Ware in their 105-78 beat down of the Cobbs. We tried to reach out to GM Casey Wayne Walker to get this thoughts on their upcoming matchup with Killers but he said "I refuse to speak with the liberal media, all you do is lie and support Hillary"
7. Keckism Killers 3-3
With Big Ben out for 4-6 weeks the Killers will be hitching their Wagon behind stud throughbred Matthew Stafford in an attempt to save their season. The Killers will need RB Todd Gurley to increase his production to make up for former starter Latavious Murray being relegated to second string status in Oakland. When asked if Big Ben would regain his starting job when he returns from injury GM Boo Boo Stanley said "We don't know, it's up in the air, we are just trying to win a ball game"
8. Puff Puff Pass 2-4
Don't look now but the Auto Pass's now lead the league in Total Points after their 130-109 shellacking of the sliding Footlongs. After scoring 62 points in week 1 the Pass's have topped the 90 point total every week and have scored 100+ in their last 3 games. GM Taco Meyers has turned down several offers for star RB LeSean McCoy saying "You'll never get this, You'll never get this" and feels confident that his team will continue winning "Touchdown Tom came to play! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!"
9. I Touchdown There 2-4
Yet another heartbreak in the Metroplex this week as the touchdowns fall 5 pts short of a victory against the Firechefs. Despite having the second highest point total this year the Touchdowns have 4 losses by a combined 19 points. The Touchdowns may have the best RB trio in the league but they will need more production from Aaron Rodgers and their receivers if they hope to turn their season around.
10. PV Monkeys 3-3
Forty Points. Forty Points is all the PV Monkeys could manage last week in the 97-40 loss to the 3/5rs. "We are garbage" Coach McKinley said "Injuries and lack of draft picks did me in this year but that is the price you have to pay when you are constantly in the playoffs. We went all in last year and are now paying the price"
11. Polygamy Pounders 2-4
"CAM. NEWTON. IS. ON. THE. BLOCK." Pounders GM Cheese McGee keeps reiterating despite an impressive win last week against the Killers. "It was a solid week for sure" he continued "but I'm gonna let the other GM's decide how good my players are. The doors and phone lines are wide open"
12. Slobb On My Cobb 2-4
The Martin is a cruel Mistress. After spending 2 long years sleeping with Tucker she seems to have sapped his will to compete as evident by his league low 431 points. The Cobbs are also the only team not to break 100pts this season so don't count on them sneaking up and knocking off a contender.
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