140 Miles east of Gods Country
A LEAGUE IN TURMOIL?!? LAWSUITS THREATENED BY ENRAGED OWNER MATT MURPHY!!!!
Destroyers GM Matt Murphy has threatened to "Sue everyone to hell"
BWKNBNC has learned that Zipper Destroyers GM Matthew Murphy
is threatening legal action against the KSFBFFL if his team fails to make the
Playoffs and Slobb on My Cobb does. The incident stems from last weeks game
where the Kaibob Kangol Krew had 2 starters who were either out with an Injury
or on a Bye week during their matchup with the Cobbs. The Cobbs ended up
winning 55-45 and that does not sit well with Destroyers GM Matt Murphy “It’s
alarming. The fact that another owner cares so little about the integrity of
the league. We have the second highest point total, just astronomical, and we
should make the playoffs. If the KKK play by the rules they should of beat the
Cobbs and I would have more breathing room”. If GM Murphy does follow through
with his threat it would be the first lawsuit filed against the League since
Mike D sued for wrongful termination in 2011.
1. Huge Ditkas (7-4)
Four straight 100+ games and a league high 1032 pts has the
Ditkas eating high on the hog this autumn. Coach Button Settles attributes his
recent winning streak to “Consistent smart moves from our players looking to
shine”…Whatever the hell that means. He also added that “The end of the season
is our toughest yet but we are coming in hot for a first round bye”. The Ditkas
still have to play the Touchdowns and Monkeys before the playoffs start so we
will find out if they deserve the lofty title of #1 in the power rankings.
2. Raytown 3/5 (8-3)
Head ball coach Lady was not made available to the Media
after last weeks heartbreaking loss to the Touchdowns. Some have speculated
that it was to hide the black eyes she had received from her owners but GM Ben
Keck denied that was the case “That’s all non sense, nothing of the sort
happened” He said “Lady is hard at work
preparing for our matchup this weekend against the Monkeys. This game is
HUGE, if we win we will lock up the #1 overall seed and a first round bye.
Expect Lady to make her decision about the starting QB position by tomorrow
afternoon."
3. PV Monkeys (8-3)
The Monkeys fell to their former landlord the Killers last
week but Coach Lola Wilson was not worried. “Things like that happen” She said
“We will be welcoming back Greg Olsen this week and expect big things from him
to end the season”. With 2 more tough games on the schedule the end of the year
the Monkeys will need to win at least 1, possibly 2 if they want to keep their
first round bye.
4. I Touchdown There (7-4)
The Touchdowns dominance of the 3/5rs continued last week
with a 87-85 victory bringing their all time record to 8-1 against the 3/5rs
franchise. GM Mike Brungy didn’t think much of it though “It was a good win for
us to get back on track. There isn’t a lot for me to say, the team knew they
were capable of beating the 3/5rs, hell they’ve done it 8 times now”. With an
outside chance at a first round bye still in the picture the Touchdowns are
focused on beating the red hot Ditkas “The Ditkas are a hot team right now”
Brungy remarked “We are going to need solid production from everybody. I’m
looking to get dez and digs some more touches and hopefully a couple of TDs”.
5. Keckism Killers (6-5)
“Last week was a season saving win” Coach Boo said during
his press conference Tuesday. “The Monkeys put up a valiant effort but much
like their playoff performances they came up just short”. The killers finish
off the year with games against the KKK and Deadbeats and should be able to cruise
to a 8-5 record but a first round bye does not seem like its in the cards this
year.
6. Slobb On My Cobb (6-5)
The Cobbs played like shit again last week but put another W
on the scoreboard against the KKK. The soft end to the regular season means
that barring any upsets the Cobbs can make the playoffs as long as the killers
or Destroyers lose one of their last few games. GM Tristan Trooopka still feels
like this is a team that can make some noise if they do get in the playoffs and
is excited about his recent waiver wire pickup of Samje Perine “We strengthened
our stable of backs this week and feel that will be enough to bring home a 3rd
Martin”
7. Zipper Destroyers (6-5)
Pictures were flying off the wall last weekend in Dallas as
GM Matt “The Dawg” Murphy was LIVID about the KKK starting a kicker who was on
his bye week against the Cobbs “Fucking Bullshit” He said “I have the 2nd
highest point total in the league but I’m 1 loss away from missing the
playoffs! It shouldn’t be allowed! I have a good team dammit! Fucking Cheese
didn’t even set his lineup! It’s not my fault I lost 5 games already this year!
Look at my point total”. He calmed down after popping a Xanax and seemed to
regain his composure when asked about his brewing QB controversy between Big Ben
and Drew Brees “We are playing it week by week and this week Drew is getting
the nod. We can’t predict efficiency but our crew does well analyzing matchups
and predicting pass attempts which will favor Drew in a shootout vs the Rams”
8. Puff Puff Pass (5-6)
An errant snap chat posted to story mode by Philip Rivers
showed that he and 3 other players stayed out until 4am on Sunday morning
visiting Bonita Flats. The late night romp showed on the field as the Puffs
were blown out by the Deadbeats in what should be a season ending defeat. GM
Puff Meyers was disappointed but hopeful for the future “Its disgraceful, those
players being out that late without inviting the owner. Our season is shot, it
didn’t help to have 3 of my starters out on Bye but there are no excuses to
losing to Wayne. We gave it a run, picked up some draft picks for 2018 but 2017
is over. We are heading back to Bonita Flats tonight, as a team, to pick up
where we left off on Saturday night”
9. The Fire Chefs (5-6)
While the season may be over the Coach Van Hecke and the
Firechefs they are still playing for something this week when they take on the
Destroyers. “We would love nothing more than to beat the destroyers and keep
them out of the playoffs. If we beat them this week and help the Cobbs make the
playoffs that gives us champions (Keck/Horner/Muphy(Steve)/Trupka/Walker) a
better chance of keeping the Martin in the family. The last thing I want to see
if another owner get their grubby hands on that pristine trophy”
10. Kaibob Kangol Krew (3-8)
The Krew have been officially reprimanded by the league
office for failing to set their lineup before week 11. If there is another
occurance they will be docked a 7th round draft pick in 2018.
11. Deadbeat Darryls (3-8)
The Darryl’s jumped up and bit the Puffs last week. Can they
do it again this week against the Cobbs?
12. Farve Dollar Footlongs (2-9)
Such a sad sad season for this formerly proud franchise.
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