Week 11 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
130 Miles East of God's Country

The Keckism Killers were expected to cruise through the rest of their weak schedule but GM Mike Gomez would have none of it saying "We believe...We believe that we....WE BELIEVE that we will....WE BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN, WE BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN OUT AND MAKE THE PLAYOFFS AND KEEP ON WINNING UNTIL I'M HAVING A THREESOME WITH MY WIFE AND THE MARTIN"


With the playoffs starting in 3 weeks anything is possible as the KSFBFFL standings have been thrown into disarray. The only constant so far this season has been the Firechefs just straight up slaughtering peeps.


Lets take a look at how the playoff picture shakes out.

Locks

1. The Firechefs, 9-1

For the first time since week 4 the Firechefs did not have the highest scoring team in the league. Despite 27 points from Peyton and 20 points from Megatron the Firechefs were barely able to put up 112 points to squeak out a victory over the Porch Monkeys. If GM Brooke Van Heche had not picked up the Giants D the firechefs may have lost. 

Remaining Schedule-

• Raw Dawg, 3-7
• 50 Shades of Taint, 7-3
• West Canaan Coyotes, 2-8

Predicted Finish- 12-1

Safe

2.Team McKinney, 6-4

The Porch Monkeys put up a valiant effort against the Firechefs last week but came up short by 12 points. QB Christian Ponder had a sub par effort last week and will be replaced by Alex Smith. If the Monkeys want to make some noise in the Playoffs they had better hope Aaron Rogers returns soon and that their running backs start producing.

Remaining Schedule-

• I Touchdown There, 4-6
• Costa Concordia Disaster, 5-5
• Keckism Killers, 5-5

Predicted Finish- 9-4

3. 50 Shades of Taint, 7-3

Whats wrong down at Quality Hill? The Taints started the year on a tear and were once seen as the only team that may be able to challenge the Firechefs but things have taken a turn for the worse including a pitiful 69 point performance last week. Romo needs to step up his game(9 points last week, barf) and Stevie will need more production from his WR's(6 combined points) if he wants to be a serious contender. 

Remaining Schedule-

• West Canaan Coyotes, 2-8
• The Firechefs, 9-1
• Puff Puff Pass, 5-5

Predicted Finish- 9-4

Clusterfuck

4.Dixieland Three Fifthers, 5-5

The highest scoring team last week, the 3/5r's are on another 2 game winning steak thanks to some studly performances by Brandon Marshall(25 points) and Marshawn Lynch(21). They should be favored in every game from here on out and could contend for a 3 seed if they win out.  

Remaining Games

• Puff Puff Pass, 5-5
• Polygamy Pounders, 5-5
• I Touchdown There, 4-6

Predicted Finish- 8-5 

5. Keckism Killers, 5-5

Two weeks ago BWKNBNC predicted the Killers would go on a tear the rest of the year and lock up a 3 seed....Two straight losses have changed alot and what looked to a a cakewalk has now turned into a elephant walk.  

Remaining Schedule- 

• Costa Concordia Disaster, 5-5
• Johnny Footballs, 4-6
• Team McKinney, 6-4

Predicted Finish- 7-6

6. Polygamy Pounders, 5-5

The 62 points the Pounder's put up last week won't cut it if they are serious about contending for a playoff spot. This team is made up of Boom or Bust players and need some more consistent performers. Look for a rebound this weekend against the struggling Footballs. 

Remaining Schedule

• Johnny Footalls, 4-6
• Dixieland 3/5r's, 5-5
• Raw Dawg, 3-7

Predicted Finish- 7-6 

7. Costa Concordia Disaster, 5-5

What an exciting game last week(FLUSHES THE TOILET)! Seriously, has a team ever had a worse win? This team has substantially less points scored than all the other 5-5 teams and will need to win at least 2/3 to have a chance at the playoffs....One side note, if GM Wayne Walker had not traded for Demarco Murray he would of lost last week and pretty much been eliminated from the playoffs. 

Remaining Games

• Keckism Killers, 5-5
• Team McKinney, 6-4
• Johnny Footballs, 4-6

Predicted Finish-6-7

8. Puff Puff Pass, 5-5

This team is ranked this high on W/L record alone and after scoring 44 points last week I dont feel like wasting any time writing about them. 

Remaining Games

• Dixieland Three Fifthers, 5-5
• West Canaan Coyotes, 2-8
• 50 Shades of Taint, 7-3

Predicted Finish - 6-7

Lose and They are out

9/10. I Touchdown There, Johnny Footballs- 4-6

The Touchdowns shocked the world last week putting up 112 points while taking down the Killers. If either of these teams hope to make the playoffs they had better win out and hope everyone else loses. 


Projected Playoff Bracket



                               
                                           1. Firechefs


                                          _____________
4. Dixieland Three Fifthers---l
                                          l
5. Keckism Killers-------------l



3. 50 Shades of Taint--------l
                                        l
6. Polygamy Pounders-------l
                                         _________________
    

                                         2. PV Porch Monkeys
                                       

Blurbs and Blubs

Ben Ji
132 Miles East of Gods Country

BLURBS AND BLUBS

NOT SO FAST!!!

• Everyone was quick to write the Touchdowns off but GM Mike Gomez kept slaving away down in Texas and it paid off. Great call to start Nick Folds over Matt Ryan.
• Remember when the Taints were a shoe-in for the 2 seed and a first round bye? Not anymore. 
• All the pundits who assumed the Keckism Killers were a lock for the playoffs have to be questioning their sanity. The "weak" remaining schedule suddenly looks alot more daunting after 2 straight losses. 
• The 3/5r's and Disasters both had huge victories this week and have thrown the playoff picture into disarray. 

WASTED CHANCES

• The Pounder's of Salt Lake pulled a double whammy this weekend. They had a chance to effectively eliminate the Disasters from playoff contention while almost assuredly securing themselves a playoff spot....But they fucked it up by losing in a ugly, ugly, ugly, uuuugggggglllllyyyyyyy game.
• The PV Porch Monkeys had a chance to show they are a legit title contender but fell short against the Firechefs. Had they won they would of been in the driver seat for the #2 seed. 
• Is Puff Puff Pass GM Austin Meyers still checking in? His Team seems to have laser focus one week(110 points) and shitty grandma focus the next(44 points this week).  

Who Cares

• I think the Dawgs beat Harri or something. 

Week 9 Playoff Preview

Ben Ji
130 Miles East of God's Country

The Stove Is Hot!!!

With the trade deadline less than 4 hours away the league has separated into two distinct groups...Buyers and Sellers. 

The Dixieland Three Fifthers started things out by sending Julius Thomas and their 2nd round pick in 2014 to the West Canaan Coyotes in exchange for Marshawn Lynch. 

Things really heated up on Monday when GM Sven Murphy decided to add another elite back by acquiring Knowshoe Moreno for Giovanni Bernard and the Taints 4th round pick in 2014.

Not to be outdone, the Costa Concordia Disasters went on a buying spree sending Brian Hartline and 4th round pick to the Johnny Footballs in exchange for WR Josh Gordon. Less than 30 minutes later GM Wayne Walker struck another deal to send Julian Edelman and a 5th round pick to the Coyotes in exchange for the currently injured Demarco Murray. 

Its pretty clear we only have 8 teams that are still in the running as the Coyotes, Touchdowns, Dawgs and Footballs have all started rebuilding for next year. 

Lets break these 8 teams down into 3 separate groups

Locks

1. The Firechefs, 7-1

The Firechefs are the class of the league and should cruise to the #1 seed in the playoffs. 

Remaining Schedule-

• Keckism Killers, 5-3
• Team Mckinney, 5-3
• Raw Dawg, 2-6
• 50 Shades of Taint, 6-2
• West Canaan Coyotes, 2-6

Predicted Finish- 11-2

2. 50 Shades of Taint, 6-2

With the recent addition of Knowshoe Moreno GM Sven Murphy believes a repeat is a given "Book it, in fact we have already booked the Martin a trip to Paris next Spring"

Remaining Schedule-

• Johnny Footalls, 3-5
• Dixieland 3/5r's, 3-5
• West Canaan Coyotes, 2-6
• The Firechefs, 7-1
• Puff Puff Pass, 4-4

Predicted Finish- 10-3

Safe

3. Team McKinney, 5-3

Team McKinney is happy with their team and have decided not to acquire anyone before the deadline. 

Remaining Schedule-

• West Canaan Coyotes, 2-6
• The Firechefs, 7-1
• I Touchdown There, 3-5
• Costa Concordia Disaster, 4-4
• Keckism Killers, 5-3

Predicted Finish- 8-5

4. Keckism Killers, 5-3

The Killers GM Jason Stanley enjoyed a quick getaway to mexico as his team cruised to an easy W over the Coyote and should continue to cruise against an easy schedule. His team still does have some holes and some media members are wondering if his absence at the trade deadline may end up hurting his team in the playoffs.  

Remaining Schedule- 

• Firechefs, 7-1
• I Touchdown There, 3-5
• Costa Concordia Disaster, 4-4
• Johnny Footballs, 3-5
• Team McKinney, 5-3

Predicted Finish- 9-4

Danger Zone

5. Polygamy Pounders, 4-4

The Pounders may not face another above .500 team this year, look for them to keep putting up steady point totals from 80-100 every week. 

Remaining Schedule

• I Touchdown There, 3-5
• Costa Concordia Disaster, 4-4
• Johnny Footalls, 3-5
• Dixieland 3/5r's, 3-5
• Raw Dawg, 2-6

Predicted Finish- 7-6

6. Costa Concordia Disaster, 4-4

The Disasters have mortgaged the farm but what did they really get for their 4th and 5th round picks next year? A Promising RB with injury problems who is currently injured? The best WR on a turrible team? To make things worse their schedule is about to get alot harder. 

Remaining Games

• Puff Puff Pass, 4-4
• Polygamy Pounders, 4-4
• Keckism Killers, 5-3
• Team McKinney, 5-3
• Johnny Footballs, 3-5

Predicted Finish- 6-7

7. Puff Puff Pass, 4-4

The Puff's only put up 51 points last week in their win over the Touchdowns. Rumors have it that if the Puff's miss the playoffs they could relocate to a new city. 

Remaining Games

• Costa Concordia Disaster, 4-4
• Johnny Footballs, 3-5
• Dixieland Three Fifthers, 3-5
• West Canaan Coyotes, 2-6
• 50 Shades of Taint, 6-2

Predicted Finish - 6-7

8. Dixieland Three Fifthers, 3-5

The only 3-5 team to still be considered a contender, the three fifthers have had the most points scored against them so far this year. Their recent addition of Marshawn Lynch should help them climb up the standings thanks to a weak schedule. 

Remaining Games

• Raw Dawg, 2-6
• 50 Shades of Taint, 6-2
• Puff Puff Pass, 4-4
• Polygamy Pounders, 4-4
• I Touchdown There, 2-6

Predicted Finish- 7-6

Your Projected Playoff Bracket

                                                      1. The Firechefs, 11-2

                                                                                         

5. Polygamy Pounders, 7-6 -------                                                                              

                                                 >>>>  _______________

4. Team McKinney, 8-5 -----------

                                                     

6. Dixieland 3/5rs, 7-6----------

                                            >>>>>>>________________

3. Keckism Killers, 9-4----------

                                                                                                

                                                       2. 50 Shades of Taint, 10-3

Mid Season Report

Steve Murphy
Kansas City, MO

Mid-season Report

Best Team: Fire Chiefs

Boasting a league-leading 804 total points has led GM Justin VanHecke’s squad to an impressive 6-1 record. This star-studded unit is led by veterans Peyton Manthing and former Taint’s star wide-out, Calvin Johnson. With the recent return of STUD Rob Gronkowski, there is no sign of the Fire Chiefs slowing down. Prediction: finish with a 10-3 record and lose in the title game.

Best Player: Peyton Manthing

There is no argument here as  the 37 year old future Hall of Famer is averaging an astounding 27.6 points per game. He has scored at least 20 points in 6 of 7 games so far this season. GM Justin Kueser has found himself replacing his knee pads each and every week amid Peyton’s success. Prediction: Manning gets hemorrhoids in week 16 forcing the title to slip out of Justie’s hands.

Most Productive Player: Jamaal Charles

GM Wayne Walker is thrilled with his 2^nd overall pick thus far (who was passed by Ben Keck for Trent Richardson LOLERZ). Charles leads all RBs with 127 total points (18.1 avg), including 15 or more in EVERY game this season. Although Jamaal’s success has facilitated a nice little 4-3 start for Costa Concordia Disaster, rumor is that teammates are still pissed at him for impregnating Jovan Belcher’s girlfriend. Prediction: Charles gets stabbed in the locker room showers after week 10.

Best Defense: Kansas City Chiefs

Nope, that’s not a typo. Your hometown team has the best defense in the NFL. The Chiefs’ D has been ridiculously productive this year forcing 19 turnovers, 35 sacks, and 5 TDs. Prediction: Accumulation of turnovers and sacks slows down, but they hold the #1 defensive rank all season long.

Rookie Sensation: Gio Bernard

Credit GM, Sven Murphy, of the Taints for snagging this youngster in the 5^th round of the draft. Although his number aren’t eye-popping (9.1 ppg), the rookie out of North Carolina has a promising future and has been the most impressive rookie this season. Prediction: Bernard’s workload increases as does production in the flex position for the Taints as they look to bring yet another trophy to “Titletown”.

Steal of the Draft: Phyllis Rivers and Chiefs D

It was hard to ignore the value that these two have brought to their respective teams. Rivers was drafted in the 14^th round (161^st overall) while he ranks as the 3^rd best QB at 19.1 ppg so far this season. Although he has played for two teams (Keckism Killers traded him to The Dawgs), Phyllis has had no problem learning each new offense. As for the Chiefs D (also picked in the 14^th round) , see BEST DEFENSE.

Pick-up of the Year: Julius Thomas

As Peyton’s go-to red zone target, Thomas was a hot commodity after week 1. Thanks to a despicable week 1 performance, playboy GM Pearce Pearce McKinney was able to claim the third year tight end. The Fighting McKinneys already had STUD TE Jimmy Graham, so Thomas was quickly wrapped in stink bait and thrown into the Missouruh river. GM Ben Keck nabbed the promising TE for Freddy Jackson. Prediction: Thomas remains a top 5 TE all year long.

Best Turnaround: Costa Concordia Disaster

After a disappointing 4-9 2012 season, GM Wayne Walker has been the best turnaround story so far in this young season at 4-3. Much credit is given to the Disaster’s GM for trading Aaron Rodgers to the Taints last year for a 3^rd round pick in the 2013 draft. It’s paying early dividends as this team is poised to make its first ever playoff appearance. Predcition: A matchup versus the Fighting McKinney’s in week 12 decides a final playoff spot.

Biggest Disappointment: Raw Dawg

GM Matt Murphy’s storied franchise is in danger of missing the playoffs for the first time ever after feeble 2-5 start. This squad may look good on paper, but they can’t seem to put together a winning formula. Problem #1: drafting MJD…WOOF! (pun intended- see what I did there). Prediction: The Dawgs finish 6-7 and watch the playoffs from their luxury kennel.

First Round Bust: Trent Richardson/Steven Jackson

Taken #1 overall by GM Ben Keck in this year’s draft, the Alabama product is the 26^th ranked RB averaging just 6.6 points per game. When asked about why he passed on prospective #1 overall RB Jamaal Charles, GM Ben Keck stated that he spent more time on his lawn this summer than preparing for the draft. Steven Jackson is also an obvious first round BUST. Playing in just 2 games this year (14 carries), Jackson was a horrific draft choice by GM Scott Pioli (Brungy).

Show us your tiiiiiiiiiits!

Your Commish,

Sven Murphy

Week 8 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles east of God's Country

SPECIAL FIGHTING KSU WILD WILDCAT CAT EDITION

1. The FireChefs, 6-1

Daniel Sams

Much like Daniel Sams these FireChefs are unstoppable and can only get better.

2. Team Mckinney, 4-3

Tyler Lockett

Despite being undersized Team McKinney has a knack for making things count once he steps on the field. 

3. 50 Shades of Taint, 5-2

Ty Zimmerman

The Taints ruled the field last year but both have kind of sucked so far this year. 

4. Polygamy Pounders, 4-3

Ryan Mueller

When you look at this team on paper they don't appear very intimidating but they leave no questions unanswered when they take the pitch. 

5. Keckism Killers, 4-3

Tramaine Thompson

Tramaine Thompson has showed alot of Promise in his career but can never quite manage to reach "Star" status....much like The Keckism Killers

6. Costa Concordia Disaster, 4-3

Jake Waters

The Disasters entered the year with alot of Promise but have failed to live up to their hype.

7. Dixieland Three Fifters, 3-4. 

Tre Walker

Every 3 weeks the Three Fifthers will do something to make you say "WOW"....and then they will disappear for 3 weeks. 

8. Puff Puff Pass, 3-4

John Hubert

The Puff's have flown under the radar this year but something tells me they might be making a big splash this weekend. 

9. Raw Dawgs, 2-5

Kyle Klein

The Dawgs have never missed the playoffs but sometime's great lineage can produce a dud. 

10. West Canaan Coyotes, 2-5

Highstepper Cat (Cody Cook)

The Coyotes will never play a meaningful game but they can certainly dance!

11. Johnny Footballs, 2-5

"The Mask"

The footballs are a big ole bag of FAILE.

12. I Touchdown There, 3-4

EMAW Girl

Kinda boorish and angry.....nothing a few beers couldn't fix

Week 7 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

Van Heche Named GM of the Month

Firechef's GM Justin Van Heche poses in his kitchen with an random groupie

Firechef GM Justin Van Heche has been Named GM of the Month by the BWKNBNC after his sensational start to the year. The Firechef's are on a record setting pace and currently the HEAVY favorite in Vegas to win the WHOLE DAM THING. 

Are they really that great you may ask? 

They are. In fact they have put up video game stats so far this year

• 165 Point score in week 1, 35 points higher than the next best total(130 By the Taints)
• Averaging 115 points per game
• Scored over 100 points in 4 out of 6 weeks. 
• In their only loss they scored 82 points and lost by one.

We caught up with GM Justin Van Heche after work and asked him a couple of questions. 

Did you think your team would be this good after the draft?

"I think every owner believes their team is great after the draft, however I did not think we were going to have this much success early in the season"

Your only loss was by 1 point to the lowly Footballs. What happened that Game?

"Peyton Fumbled, its as simple as that. While we do appreciate what he has done for us this season that fumble fucked us in the ass. HARD"

Interesting. Now obviously Peyton is the most important person on the team, but what other player could you least afford to lose to the Injury Bug?

"Reggie Bush. He has been NAILS this year but with his injury history another one is very possible."

Will the Firechefs lose again this year?

"Yes, we will lose again this year but it won't be to those lowly Matt Millen Scum"

 STUDS

1. Firechefs, 5-1-

Peyton put up a season low 13 points and they still scored 120. They are the undisputed #1 team, what more is there to say?

DUDS

2. 50 Shades of Taint, 4-2

The Taint's fell flat on their face last week in their Prime Time match up against the Firechefs putting up a pitiful 77 points. If Tony Romo and Adrian Peterson keep scoring in the single digits they may take a tumble down the rankings. We reached out to GM Sven Murphy earlier today and he had this comment "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose"

3. Team McKinney, 3-3

What looked like a close match up against the Mothers turned into a sleepwalk as the McKinney's notched the W. Sven Ridley had a breakout week scoring 22 points but last weeks stars Jimmy Grahm(0 points) and Fred Jackson(4 points) need to get back on track. Grahm will be out this week on a BYE but GM Blouse McKinley is not worried 

"Next man up. We won without much contribution from Mr. Ridley the previous weeks. He is aback and ready to fulfill his keeper potential."

4. Dixieland 3/5rs, 3-3

The Dixieland Three Fifthers continue their climb out of the cellar on the back of their STUDLY WR core of Desean Jackson(18 points) and Brandon Marshall(20 points) who caught a couple of Bombs from Matthew Stafford(23 Points). This team has increased their point total every week and have some experts asking "How high can this team climb?"

5. Polyagmy Pounders, 3-3

Last weeks loss can be placed soley on the shoulders of Darren Sproles, Dez Bryant and Jason Witten who combined for 11 points after scoring a combined 48 points the week before. This is a solid team that could beat anyone if you catch them on a good week. We asked GM Keane Horner about his teams upcoming matchup with the reeling Coyotes

"Normally I would be worried about the team overlooking the reeling and hapless coyotes, but after letting a winnable game slip the focus has never been more intense. The addition of Eddie Lacy could not have come at a better time with Sproles on a BYE. Lacy also now gives the team three solid options at RB and move Demarius Moore from a permanent flex player to a legit contender for one of the WR slots In short we have more RB/WR options than we do slots, time to nut up or shut up"

6. DezRespect Your Mother, 3-3

What is wrong out in Blue Springs? A 2 game skid has the Mothers sinking and questioning the depth of their roster. RB Jamal Charles scored 24 points last week but was the only player in double digits. 

7. Raw Dawgs, 2-4

The Red Hot Dawgs take on the Mothers next week after scoring 114 points last week. His Running back core looks better every week putting up a combined 60 points. We caught up with the head dog himself today lapping some water out of a fountain and asked him about his upcoming matchup against the Mothers. 

"They may have Charles but have you seen their recieving core? Embarassing. Bunch of special team caliber fill ins. My projected 130 points this week is all you need to know. How we prep in the Dawg Pound stays in the Dawg Pound"

8. Puff Puff Pass, 3-3

Things are looking up on Quality hill after a 22 point victory over the Coyotes. Tom Brady has struggled so far this year but Vernon Davis has picked up the slack scoring 47 points the past 2 weeks. 

9. Matt Millen is My GM, 3-3

Will the Millens go another year without a playoff victory? Their squad has gotten progressively worse over the past couple of weeks and only scored 68 points last week.The Millens face a do or die game this week against the 3/5rs without their star QB Drew Brees who has a BYE week.

PUDS

10. Johnny Footballs, 2-4

The Footballs showed some life last week putting up 87 points but this team is still too reliant on Cam Newton(30 points last week) to emerge as a true playoff contender. 

11. West Caanan Coyotes, 2-4

Is GM Harrison Poole already giving up on the season? Anytime a Ginger is your leading scorer your team has serious issues. 

12. I Touchdown There, 3-3

The Touchdowns 3-3 record can be deceiving because GM Mike Gomez has completely gutted his team by trading Keeper RB CJ Spiller for "Backup Bernard Peirce" and then trading the packer's starting RB Eddie Lacy to the Pounders for Alex Smith who sccored 7 points in what will likely be his only start of the season. 

Blurbs and Blubs

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

What to Watch for Tonight-

• The Mother's/McKinney game will be decided on the field tonight as GM Pearce McKinley hopes his teams 25 point lead with Danny Woodhead will be enough to hold off the Mothers.
• GM Casey Wayne and the Mothers will need around 35 points from Luck, Hinton and the Colts D if they want the W. 
• Can Trent Richardson get his groove back? This will be his 3rd game with his new team and the 3/5r's are expecting some immediate returns after spending a 1st round pick on the under-preforming RB.

Freeeee Falllliiiiinnnnnnngggggg

• Touchdown's GM Mike Gomez is having a season he would like to forget. After starting the year 3-1 with an average of 95ppg the Touchdowns have scored 69 and 52 the past Two weeks thanks to some questionable trades. You just can't trade CJ Spiller and Eddie Lacy for Bernard Pierce and Alex Smith without your team getting considerably worse.
• Is it time to Panic on 73rd ter? The Fighting Matt Millens are dealing with a rash of injuries and put up a measley 68 points this week. 
• Speaking of 73rd terrace the West Canaan Coyotes may be entering fire sale mode soon after a 52 point showing last week. 
• Will Tom Brady get his act together? His poor play is single handily holding the Puffs back. 

Shooting Stars

• The Dawgs are out for blood after a dissapointing 0-4 start. After skull fucking the previously undefeated Taints they come out and just embarrass the Touchdowns. GM Matt Murphy is a believer "WOOOO, Dont sleep on us! We have the talent to compete AND win"
• Knowshoe Marino cemented himself as a top 10 running back with a 28 point performance for the dawgs. 
• The Johnny Footballs notched a W this week on the back of Cam Newton's 30 points. 
• The Puff's and  Dixieland 3/5r's have worked their way back to .500 after dissapointing 1-3 starts. The 3/5r's have averaged 100+ppg on their 2 game streak while the Puff's have put up a solid 98 ppg.
• Can anyone Stop the FireChefs? Despite only 13 points from Peyton this team cruised to a 50 point victory over the #2 Taints.