WEEK 3 POWER RANKINGS

 ben ji
120 miles east of gods country

WEEK 3 POWER RANKINGS

Farve Dollar Footlongs Stave Off "WOKE" Mob To Claim Top Spot
Rumors of PED use swirl around the league

1. F*vre Dollar Footlongs (2-0)

The Footlongs have been under siege by the WOKE media for a couple of weeks now and have declared war on the MSNBC/CNN/Twitter MOB by naming Brett F*vre their team chaplain. Thats not the only change according to Sven Murphy "The veteran ownership of this team has introduced a new film review strategy that provides unlimited massage therapy while the players are watching film" he said. According to Sven he claims he learned this strategy from the Texans and signed their personal massage therapist after their players reported "Excitement for massage/film study sessions" and "Post Nut Clarity" last year after these sessions. 

2. Millie's Fire Chiefs (2-0)

There hasn't been much to cheer for off Carter Circle in recent years but Millie Van Heche has invigorated the franchise in her first year in charge as they have started 2-0. "I've heard the rumors about our teams PED use and all I can say is we don't comment on rumors. We will continue to put our heads down and keep working, the Dem in Dementia's will be a tough challenge for us next week but we will be ready"

3. Dem in Dementia (1-1)

Despite putting up the second highest point total of week two the Dem's were emasculated by the Footlongs. Offensive Coordinator Dean Murphy knows things don't get any easier next week when they head to carter circle to take on the fire chiefs "Have you seen their coach millie? Total babe. No way I'm going to be able to keep my players focused on the game with just juice boxes so I had our trainers double our typical PED regimen for the week". 

4. Puff Puff Pass (2-0)

The Puff's are off to their best start in years on the backs of Jalapeno Hurts and D'Andrew Swift which has Puff's owner feeling cocky "I'm going out to beautiful Hays KS this weekend for a wedding so its on the players to keep their Focus" Coach Meyers said. When asked to comment on the rumors swirling regarding PED use Meyers clarified "Our team is into downers, not uppers". 

5. Two Gurley's One Kupp (1-1)

Week one was a disappointment for the perennial powerhouse program led by extremely good looking GM Ben Ji but the Kupps responded with a dominating performance in week two. "Lady is a great coach" GM Ben Ji said. "When I put her on half rations for losing in week 1 she responded by doubling our teams PED distribution. Moves like that are why she will one day be the first bitch inducted into the KSFBFFL Hall Of Fame".

6. PV Football Team (2-0)

Pearce Pearce McKinney is jet setting around Europe while his team continues to win leading some fans in PV wondering if they really even need a coach. 

7. Keckism Killers (1-1)

The Killers bounced back from a disappointing week one loss by eviscerating the Ditkas in week two. When asked about his preparation for The Touchdowns next week GM Jason "Boo" Stanley seemed to confirm the rumors that have been spreading about blatant UPPER abuse "We aren't worried about the Touchdowns next week, in fact, I'm going to take the whole team to the titty bars the night before them give them a couple addy's in the morning and we'll win by 40". 

8. Lottawana Lake Rats (1-1)

Some fans have claimed that Lake Rats owner Casey Wayne didn't have enough money to buy his players PED's last week which led to their 60 point beat down but Ole Wayne denies that was the case "It was the heat wave that rolled through last week" he said. "Our players were not accustomed to the heat. We are going to be making a change at QB this week and are looking to trade some WR's for a RB1". 

9. Huge Ditkas (0-2)

The recent move from Chicago to Indianapolis has not gone well for the Ditkas as they start the season 0-2. "Focus is tough at the moment" Coach Button Settle said "We know we have a tough game next week and this will be a true testament to see how the Ditkas handle the Footlongs dominant players. Also I have no faith in Russ, Burn him down". 

10. I Touchdown There (0-2)

With the offseason addition of Ford "The Chamber" Brungy to the coaching staff some pundits thought this might be the year that the Touchdowns finally win a championship but things are not off to a great start. "We have had some tough losses and that falls squarely on our coaches shoulders. In regards to the PED use thats FAKE NEWS just like your blog". 

11. Cleveland Steamers (0-2)

Besides all the PED rumors flying around the KSFBFFL the Steamers are dealing with rumors of a players only meeting being called after week 2. "The Steamers front office is aware of the players only meeting that has been called and we are going to let them have this one" Coach Tuck Tuck said before finishing his statement "We had a disastrous 2022 Draft so we are hoping this meeting will bring unity to this team. We hope the lord will bless us with a productive meeting since we have a do or die matchup against the Puffs this week".

12. Roughing The Kooch (0-2)

The Kooch's are barely averaging 50 points a game but reformed Playboy GM Scott Harris says its all part of the plan. "We are a family oriented team now and have a zero tolerance policy for any criminal offenses or PED use. We are pulling out the West Coast playbook this week and putting our players back in a lockdown bubble to get them focused. Dedicated housing free of the evil hedonistic distractions of the outside world. I want to keep my players focused on our lord/football and not scrolling through Instagram Thirst Traps". 

Waves Of Change

Waves of Change in the KSFBFFL

 

After a tumultuous 2020 the KSFBFFL has embraced Fairness and Equality for All as one of the key tenants they expect all clubs to adhere to. To help make sure these new directives are followed a Fairness Committee consisting of Ben Jong, Pearce Pelosi, Michael Biden and Matthew Mao has been formed and is currently reviewing a recent trade made between Matt Murphy and Austin Meyers. The fairness Committee hopes to reach their decision by early Monday Morning at the latest.

 

What sparked this wave of change in the normally conservative KSFBFFL? Some say that it was the passing of the reigns of ownership from Justin Van Heche to his small adorable child Millie Van Heche back in Late October. Millie’s first action as owner of the club was to trade Dalvin Cook immediately “While we appreciate what Dalvin has done for our organization, his misogynistic comments in the locker room have no place in the modern KSFBFFL. We are going to run this organization the right way. I am an agent of change and we do not stand for the attitude that Dalvin brings to our locker room.

 

1. Biden Pulls Out 7-0-1

 

The Pull outs won a close won last week against the Dem’s but may have lost star player Derrick Henry for the year with a foot injury. They are hoping that recently acquired Lil Christian McCaffrey can come back strong off the IR and pick up where Henry left off.  

 

2. I Touchdown There 6-2

 

Coach Mike Biden will be pulling double duty this week as he joins the fairness committee in addition to his normal role as coach of the Touchdowns. “My squad is on Auto Pilot right now so I can afford to focus on the integrity of the league” Biden Said.

 

3. PV Leg Hounds 5-3

 

It was stink town USA last week as the Leg Hounds were whipped by the Touchdowns. If Lil Kyler Murray keeps playing like this the Leg Hounds will go yet another year without winning the Martin.

 

4. Cleveland Steamers 4-4

 

Steamers owner Tristan Schumer has yet to comment on the recent fairness controversy in the KSFBFFL so we reached out to him for a comment “Honestly I’m too busy making Friendsgiving invites to pay much attention”

 

5. The Huge Ditkas 5-3

 

Matthew Mao is taking his Fairness Committee role seriously and is consulting with Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot before the Fairness Committee meets on Sunday.

 

6. Roughing the Kooch 4-3-1

 

Out on the Left Coast Owner Scott Guliani has seen it all before “Sometimes I run over human poop in my car, sometimes its protestors, either way I don’t slow down”

7. Dem In Dementia 4-4

 

Dem’s owner Matthew Trump is furious over the newly formed Fairness Committee holding up with recent trade. “I’M THE GREATEST ATTRACTION THIS LEAGUE HAS EVER SEEN, LOOK AT THE RATING THIS BLOG POST WILL GET” he tweeted at me.

 

8. Keckism Killers 4-4

 

The Killers are hoping to be the first team to knock off the Pull Outs but owner Jason Cuomo has made his thoughts on the fairness committee quite clear “Its well past due” He said as the slipped his hand around the back of an intern.  

 

9. Lotawana Lake Rats 3-5

 

Wayne Limbaugh is still fighting to make the playoffs and has refused to comment on the leagues new Fairness Doctrine. “We are focused on winning ball games, that’s it”

 

10. Puff Puff Pass 2-6

 

Puff’s owner Austin Hannity has been ordered to take a Mandatory Drug test before Sunday or forfeit the rest of the season “I thought this was America not communist CHYNA?” He said before googling “how to beat a weed test”

 

11. The Firechiefs 2-6

 

New owner KaMillie Harris has sparked quite the firestorm during her first week at the helm of the Firechiefs franchise and she is not backing down “This is only the start, did you know that the KSFBFFL Offices do not have complimentary feminine hygiene products?!?”

 

12. Farve Dollar Footlongs 1-7

 

Co-Commissioner Steven Carlson has been strangely silent on the leagues new Fairness Doctrine saying “With the way my team is playing I don’t deserve to have a voice”

 Ben Ji

140 Miles east of gods country

WEEK 5 POWER RANKINGS

1. Biden Pulls Out (3-0-1)

Derrick Henry has put the Pull Outs on his strong muscular veiny back and carried them to an undefeated start. "Its really impressive what that beautiful man can do" Coach Keck said "Every time he carries the ball I get this sensation down there, it builds and builds...the tension rising and them BOOM. He pounds one into the hole and scores and all that tension is released in a beautiful moment". 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "Its meat between bread, of course its a sandwich"

2. I Touchdown There (4-0)

The Touchdowns are the only 4-0 team left but Coach Brungy is not letting that go to his head "The Ditkas are a good looking team. We are looking forward to the match up and are confident in our ability to come home with the W".  With Ty'Son Williams dealing with injuries could the Touchdowns be in the market for a RB? "We are always open to entertaining trades. If anything goes down we will be sure to give the finest sports news corp a heads up" Coach said. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "Absolutely not. Thats the most absurd argument I have ever heard"

3. PV Leg Hounds (3-1)

With a huge matchup against the Pull Outs coming up the Leg Hounds are feeling pretty relaxed "We look forward to the challenge of playing a good football team" Coach McKinney said. When asked about any potential trades in the works he didn't even bat an eye "I'm focused on winning the next game, we leave all potential player acquisitions to Lola"

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "I don't see why not and I've never found a sandwich I didn't like"

4. The Huge Ditkas (3-1)

"The Touchdowns are going to be our toughest matchup yet" Coach Button Settle said "We lost our local boy Montgomery so we are going to get creative in order to get the W" With Hurts and Kamara this team still has the horses to beat anyone in the league. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "I'm not sure about a hot dog but that taco bell chicken taco is a taco not a sandwich"

5. Roughing The Kooch (2-1-1)

A late week stat correction changed the Kooch's loss to the Pull Outs into a tie which delighted playboy owner Scott Harris "Lets just say a VP at ESPN had a little too much fun in my Yacht off Thailand one time and I called in a favor". The Kooch's are also looking forward to their matchup with the steamers this week and where Harris plans to "Give them a taste of their own name". 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "A hot dog is a hot dog. Not a sandwich. No need to make life more complicated than it already is"

6. The Dem in Dementia (2-2)

"When you have a championship level GM you have to use him" GM Dirty Dawg Murphy said in our interview this week. "Look, I'm not even sure who we are playing this week as I've been to busy working the phones trying to make this team better". Can the Dem's keep winning?

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "Is a football a baseball? No. A hot dog is 100% not a sandwich. Just because there is meat in between bread don't make it a sandwich"

7. Cleveland Steamers (1-3)

The Steamers got crushed last weekend by the Pull Outs and the sidewalk in Aggieville. Things are not looking any better this week as the Kooch's are ready to kick ole Tuck in the balls over and over again. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "Can you fit a sandwich down your throat? Didn't think so"

8. Keckism Killers (2-2)

Finding themselves right in the middle of the rankings Coach Stanley is not in panic mode quite yet "We feel good about our team, no specific trade plans are in the works but we are always open for business". If they can get past the Dem's next week the Killers could shoot up the rankings. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "No"

9. The Firechiefs (1-3)

The fans on Carter Circle have been clinching their balloon knots all week as they prepare to face the Sphincter's on Sunday. "Its a huge rivalry game and we cannot have a letdown like last week" Assistant GM Millie Van Heche said. If they don't win this game against the hapless footlongs then look for the Chiefs to start selling off their pieces. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "This is a stupid argument. A hot dog is not a sandwich"

10. Lotawana Lake Rats (1-3)

The lake rats are refusing to speak with the media so I will refuse to write about them. 

11. Puff Puff Pass (1-3)

Puff's owner Austin Meyers let off some steam in Manhattan last weekend and is still paying the price "Look, the only person who partied harder than me was Urban Meyer" puff said. The Puff's have a huge matchup against the lake rats this week, a loss here and all indications are they will be looking ahead to 2022. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "A hot dog is not a sandwhich"

12. Farve Dollar Footlong (0-4)

Has apathy already set in at falcon valley? The Footlongs have started the year off 0-4 and there have been rumors of players sleeping with the owners wife. Steve Murphy has put the whole team on the trading block and will be looking to start fresh next year. 

Is a Hotdog a sandwich? "Fits in your ass either way"

Ben Ji

140 Miles East of God's Country

Week 4 Power Rankings!

Wow folks! What a start to the first 3 weeks of the 13th edition of the Kansas State's Finest Bros Fantasy Football League! Before we get to the much anticipated power rankings lets take a minute to recognize some STUDS and DUDS of this last week. First up the STUDS

STUDS - This week's STUD award is a 3 way tie as Ben Keck, Michael Brungy and Mattias Settle are all undefeated after the first 3 games. Great work by all the STUDS! 

DUD - This week's DUD is Justin Van Heche who is the only person who has not paid his fantasy football dues yet. C'mon Juice, figure it out and stop being a DUD!  

1. Biden Pulls Out (3-0)

The crowd on W 75th street was 4 inches deep and full of waving flags as the Pull Outs returned home from their heart stopping .1 point victory over the Kooch's last week. Coach Lady was showered with dog bones but stopped for a quick word with reporters "WE ARE BACK" she said before taking a giant dump in front of her adoring fans. It certainly looks so as the Pull Outs appear likely to cruise to their 3rd overall title but first since 2009. 

2. I Touchdown There (3-0)

Down in in the Big D the Touchdowns put up another W despite some lackluster play by Ty'Son Williams "We expected big things from Ty'Son this week against the 32nd ranked run defense but it just didn't pan out." Luckily for Coach Brungy the rest of his team all put up solid performances and he kept his record a perfect 3-0. 

3. The Huge Ditkas (3-0)

We head up to Chicago next as the HUGE Ditka's made quick work of the reeling Footlongs to advance to 3-0. Coach Mattias Settle may have found the steal of the draft in Jamar Chase who already has 4 TD catches this year. Coach Settle expected rookie QB Justin Fields to put some heat on starting QB Jalen Hurts but so far has been less than impressed "We thought Fields was ready for more time in our offense but after his performance last week we are sticking with Jalen as our #1"

4. PV Leghounds (2-1)

Is this the year that Leghound fans in PV finally get to cheer for a championship team? The Leghounds are averaging 117 points a game and cruised to an easy victory over the Lake Rats last weekend. BWKNBNC was able to reach owner Molly McKinney for a comment "Lake Rats? More like Lake Bitches, maybe come to play next time? Lil Kyler is red hot and I don't see us losing another game". Bold words from an owner without a title if you ask me. 

5. Cleveland Steamers (1-2) 

Despite scoring over 100 points each week the Steamers of Falcon Valley finally picked up their first win of the season over the hapless puff's. "It was a tough start to the season and we definitely got the best out of each of our first 2 opponents...but anytime you have Davante Adams catching balls for your team you have a competitive squad" Coach Moose told us. It also helps when you have a running back like Lamar Jaxson who is eligible to start in the QB slot. 

6. Roughing the Kooch (1-2) 

Critics are pointing out that making his defense practice without water all of last week may have contributed to Playboy owner Scott Harris losing a heartbreaker by .1 points to the Pull Outs "The last 2 weeks are all on on our defense, they scored zero and 7 points. My hot sexy Matthew Stafford and his Muscly Amish/Greek god of a receiver Cooper Kupp cant do it all god dam it". Looks like it could be another dry week of practice up in the Pacific NorthWest. 

7. The Firechiefs (1-2) 

The lil ol Firechefs picked up their first W of the year and have quietly put together a solid ball club that is averaging over 100 points a game. Unfortunately they are ineligible for the playoffs unless they PAY THEIR GOD DAM DUES.  

8. Lotawanna Lake Rats (1-2)

Despite a breakout game from Michael Williams the fourth the Lake Rats have lost their 2nd straight game and things have been getting dicey out at Lake Lotawana as boat parades have been making their way past the Walker dock shouting expletives at owner Casey Walker. "Hey Ben, I know it was you making circles by my dock in Byrons boat. The community is still behind us" Coach Walker said oblivious to the resentment building around Lake Lotawana. 

9. The Dem in Dementia (1-2)

The defending champs took a step back last week but championship coach Matt Murphy never counts himself out for the year as long as his best player is still healthy "Gnao is a fucking stud man. Yeah he is a kicker but he is the best player on my team after I traded all of my draft picks for some alone time with The Martin". The Dem's face another tough matchup next week against the undefeated Ditkas. 

10. Keckism Killers (1-2)

A paltry 60 points in Week 2 had Coach Aces Stanley shutting off media access to his team but that didn't prevent them from another disappointing performance in week 3 as they lost to the Touchdowns. The only bright side for the Killers is that they have the opportunity to kick the shit out of this weeks DUD the Firechefs next week. 

11. Puff Puff Pass (0-3)

The Puff's fell for a 3rd straight time last weekend but Coach Puff Meyers has fallen head over heels for TE TJ Hockenson. "The whole team is built around him and his great flow, my god. I haven't seen lettuce that nice since I was 12. He will be doing head and shoulders commercials with Pat and Troy within the next year". 

12. Farve Dollar Footlongs (0-3)

What is there to say about the footlongs at this point? Last year they traded a dealers choice of draft picks only to miss the playoffs and now they are paying the price and taking their licks from everyone in the league. Next up is the Touchdowns who expect the Footlongs to bend over and take it like a bitch "Our players were out late last weekend for Charlies birthday and I would love to say we bounce back next week...but thats not going to happen. The whole team is for sale" says GM Sven Murphy. 

2021 KSFBFFL SEASON PREVIEW

 Ben ji
140 miles east of Gods Country

2021 KSFBFFL PREVIEW

Biden Pulls Out – 

After a disappointing 2020 season Legendary Owner Ben Keck has renamed his squad to honor president Joe Biden's pull out game. "Look, pulling out is not something anyone ever wants to do. It sucks and it doesn't feel nearly as good as staying in but sometimes its your only option" Keck said. The Pull Outs have already lost #36 overall draft pick Gustavo Edwards to a torn ACL but are still loaded with talented players like Derrick Henry, Josh Jacobs, Josh Allen and more. "Obviously it hurt when Edwards went down and we are still looking into the cause. Rumor has it a scout from the Keckism Killers was seen spraying our practice field with WD-40 the night before, rest assured the league is looking into it". When asked about his teams vaccination policy Keck replied "All of them. Moderna, Pfrizer. J&J. They've had all 3 and will get some booster shots come december."

 

Prairie Village Football Team –

 

Is this the year the Football Team finally brings the Martin home to W 70^th St? GM Lola McKinney thinks they have a good shot “With Aaron Jones and Austin Ekeler leading the way we have high expectations. If we can stay healthy we are expecting a deep playoff run this season”. We asked Lola about rumors regarding star QB Lil Kyler Murray encouraging his teammates to use horse de-wormer instead of getting the vaccine “It’s true we had a disturbance at the start of camp but our team doctors clarified some misinformation out there and encouraged all our players to get vaccinated”. Look for the Football team so have another solid yet under achieving 2021 season. 

 

The Firechiefs –

The Firechefs are a has been franchise who bitch about the media's lack of coverage but then never respond when the media reaches out for comments. 

 

I Touchdown There –

 

“Pat is the heart and soul of this team” Coach Brungy said “But our title hopes ride on our decision to bring Zeke back after cutting him loose this offseason”. With Stefon Diggs leading the WR core the Touchdowns may be primed for a deep run unless their decision to not mandate their players get a covid vaccine comes back to haunt them. We asked Coach Brungy about this decision “Look, we had a tremendous offseason and have already declared victory over Covid by getting all the players infected in early July. While we believe the Vaccine will give us the best chance to field a full and healthy team all year we are not mandating it. The government does not control our lives!”

 

Cleveland Steamers –

Two time Champ Tristan Trupka is always a threat to win the martin but apparently does not believe his QB Lamar Jackson is a true leader "Look, Lamar is a hell of a QB but keep him the hell away from a microphone". The Steamers return veteran DeVonte Adams and will be leaning on him to calm the nerves of younger steamers before the start of the season "Alot of players are nervous about their first time performing a Cleveland Steamer, DeVonte has been there and done that and will show them that its really not a big deal, clean up is easier than it looks". In regards to his team's vaccination policy Tucker said "We stopped all vaccinations after reaching 69% of the team"...Nice

Roughing the Kooch –

 

The Kooch’s recently relocated to the Seattle area after being banned from the state of Oregon for flicking hot pennies at homeless people. “It was a complete misunderstanding” Playboy Owner Scott Harris said while petting his tame Bobcat Gerome “But we are not here to speak about that. Let me tell you about my squad. We had a great draft and are really a well-balanced team which will pay dividends as the season progresses. Keep an eye on that Cooper Kupp kid for a breakout season, he looks like an Amish guy and that means he has god on his side”. We asked Scott if there was any truth to a mandatory PED program program being instituted this off season and if it included vaccinations "My boys are well honed killing machines, the Wuhan Flu will be the least of their concerns"

 

Keckism Killers –

 

Coach Jason “Big Mac” Stanley is a confident man heading into the opening weekend “We feel like we have a football team that could make some noise, we expect to be in the playoffs and we expect to compete for Championships”. Its been a couple of years since the Killers have competed for a championship but Coach Big Mac thinks Tyreek Hill can get his team back in contention “He’s a heck of a player that Tyreek, the heart and soul of our team and we expect him to be the top receiver in the league this year”. Unfortunately for the Killers their RB’s are weaker than a 90 year old overweight covid patient…In regards to his team being prepared for any covid related issues Big Mac refused to address the question “This is a professional and championship level organization and we do not disclose medical information”.

 

Farve Dollar Footlongs –

Despite missing the playoffs last year the Footlongs were missing 2 of their first 5 picks. "It was rough" Coach Svenika said "But Charlie worked his ass off, slept outside for 2 weeks straight leading up to the draft just pouring through research and we like the result". The Footlongs 2020 season started a downward spiral last season when Run CMC went down and they are looking for a healthy season out of their top playmaker. When asked if there was any potential for a covid outbreak this season Svenika responded "No worries here, our team has been 100% "Vaccinated" via bleach and copious amounts of steroids and HGH" 

 

The Huge Ditkas –

 

Coach Settle is expecting a rebuilding year but hopes to still be competitive with Alvin Kamara on the squad “Alvin will have the team on his back this year but we are hoping new comer Jalen Hurts can shoulder some of that burden”. The big city liberals up in Chicago are getting impantient with the Ditkas lack of success after their title run a couple of years ago so expect attendance to be light if they do enter another rebuilding year. When it comes to Covid related issues Settle isn’t worried about it “All summer long we shared the same message. You’re a dick if you get sick without a prick”

 

The Dem in Dementia –

 

The fighting dawgs went all in to win the Martin last year and will have an uphill battle to compete this year due to a lack of draft picks but GM Matt Murphy is not worried. "This is a rebuilding year after our championship season. It's not looking good on paper but these kids have alot of heart". The Dem's are led by veteran players Travis Kelsey and Julio Jones but the dawg expect big things from some young guns. "Hubert and DeVonta Smith have both looked great in camp so far, I think the Vaccine shot our team doctor gave them had a little extra in it (wink wink)". When asked about the teams vaccination policy Murphy said "As the owner, I was forced to get vaxed upon moving cities by commissioner lady but I leave it up to my players to do what's best for them. Communism isn't one of our core principles". 

 

Lotowana Lake Rats –

The Lake Rats made a surprise run to the championship game last year but things are looking bleak out at Lake Lotawana as Casey Couldn't even take 5 minutes out of his day to respond to the media's request for comments. 

Puff Puff Pass -

When reached for comment all Coach Meyers could say was "I blame Auto Draft" 

KSFBFFL Semi Final Preview

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

KSFBFFL Semi Final Preview

It was all chalk in the first round of the playoffs as the TD's and Garter Snakes both advanced with ease. How will things shake out this weekend in the semifinals?

NE JoCo Garter Snakes VS Farve Dollar Footlongs

The Footlongs stellar regular season saved them from what surely would have been a first round exit last week as they scored a paltry 61 points. This week they take on the red hot Garter Snakes who have won 6 straight games. General Manager Svennika is not concerned though and had this to say about his matchup this week “We feel that Charlie gives us an edge from a coaching perspective but are dealing with a few unexpected roster changes. We have cut kicker Brett Maher and are currently holding tryouts for a new foot fairy. Secondly Coach Charlie has not made his decision on which QB will be starting. We didn’t expect to have a QB controversy at this point in the season but we are confident our beloved canine will make the right decision. I predict a 113-96 win for the Footlongs.”

Meanwhile in NE Johnson County Coach Lady is on thin ice after a piss poor performance pheasant hunting last weekend. We caught up with her in her kennel to ask if the pressure is getting to her “Pressure? From Fantasy Football? I can coach this team in my sleep. What I can’t do is run around in a field full of grass that is 3 times taller than me while my asshole owner shoots a shotgun over my head. Its like WTF, you expect me to sniff out some wild birds and then after a big BANG put them in my mouth and bring them back? I don’t even like fireworks…Whatever, I’ll win the Martin for Ben and hopefully he will let me sleep next to that instead of a shotgun. Look for the Snakes to pull off a 125-103 win”

BWKNBNC Prediction – Garter Snakes keep the train rolling and the footlongs flounder. Garter Snakes 118, Footlongs 91

I Touchdown There VS Prairie Village Leg Hounds

After sending the Kooch’s to a first round exit the Touchdowns were a little confused on who they were playing next and gave us a preview of how they plan to beat the Garter Snakes….After being reminded they still have to play the Leg Hounds this week GM Mike Brungy was less than concerned “The TD’s are not worried about the Leghounds…Molly will have something very important for Pearce Pearce to do like take Lola to the spa or something and distract him from coaching his team. TD’s by 25 points.”

The Leg Hounds spent last weekend with their legs kicked up on the couch and still managed to put up an impressive 140 points. With another trip to the championship game on the Line GM Pearce McKinney was not worried about his matchup against the TD’S. “Come over to my closet and let me know you something” he said “See that? Bridesmaid dress from 2017. That one? Bridesmaid dress from 2014. Over there? That’s my 2013 Bridesmaid dress….Its what we do here on 70^th Ter, we make championship games and lose. This will be the TD’s last game of the season, we will win 110-85

BWKNBNC Prediction – The TD’s pull off a shocker and make their first KSFBFFL Championship game. Touchdowns 99, Leg Hounds 87.

Playoff Preview

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

KSFBFFL Playoff Preview

Power Rankings 

1. Farve Dollar Footlongs (10-3) – Led by the Great White Hope Christopher McCaffrey the Footlongs put up a league high 1355 points in the regular season and  locked up the #1 overall seed with a first round bye. Footlongs Coach Svenika Murphy was in Kansas City this weekend and had this to say about his star running back “No question that Run CMC is the big man on campus. When we drafted him it was expected that he could provide this kind of production”. 

When asked about his plans during the teams first round bye he added “The bye will give us time to rest and prepare for the buzz saw that is the Garter Snakes”. Wow, no respect for the Killers from head ball coach Svenika Murphy.

Pants or Socks First? - Socks

2. PV Leghounds (10-3) – The Leghounds jumped out to a hot start at the beginning of the season but slowly squandered their total points lead before finally being passed by the Footlongs in the last week of the season. Losing David Johnson’s production has hurt but the Leghounds still have some firepower with Aaron Jones, Travis Kelce and Michael Thomas catching passes from Russell Wilson. 

“DangerRuss is our leader and the lynch pin to our offense” Coach McKinney said over the speakerphone as he was clearly taking a shit “We have a first round bye and there is not a team in this Tournament we can’t beat”.

Pants or Socks first? – Neither, just a shirt and then Porky Pig around the house.

3. NE JoCo Garter Snakes (9-4) – “Lamar Jackson is the MVP of the Garter Snakes and the League right now and if it wasn’t for some Piss Poor decisions to start Scam Newton the first 2 games we would be the total points leader with 1357 points” A quivering Coach Lady wimpered “Ben is not happy with me and keeps threatening to shoot a shotgun over my head all weekend as punishment”.

 The Garter Snakes are the hottest team in the league right now averaging 110 PPG during their 6 game winning streak and will look to keep the momentum going this week against the Keckism Killers.

Pants or Socks First? - I’m a fucking dog, I wear a collar and that’s it.

4. I Touchdown There (9-3-1) – After reaching #1 in the Power Rankings after an 8 game win streak the Touchdowns have come back down to earth going 1-2-1 in their last 4 games. BWKNBNC called up Owner Mike Brundgardt to get a quote on insurance and also his take on how the season went. 

“Anytime you make the playoffs you did something right and #myguy Nick Chubb was a big reason for that. We knew he was going to put up some numbers but didn’t expect as much production as he gave us…Also your homeowners quote is $1200 for the year if you pay in full. What’s it gonna take to get you in this insurance plan?!?”. Can the Touchdowns Finally get their hands on the elusive Martin this year or will it be another lonely winter in Dallas?

Pants or Socks first? – Only a sociopath puts their socks on before their pants.

5. Keckism Killers (6-6-1) – “I’m going to go ahead and say it, our MVP this year was me” Coach Aces Stanley said “We auto drafted because we knew it didn’t matter who was on the field. The players didn’t care, they knew I was going to put them in the place that gave them the best chance to succeed”. 

The Killers boast 2 top 5 WR’s in Hopkins/Evans and battled their way into a playoff spot but have not scored above 79 points in their last 3 games which could mean an early exit from the post season.

Pants or Socks first? – Socks, unless I wear pants. Then Pants.

6. Roughing The Kooch (6-6-1) – As Playboy Owner Scott Harris went shopping for domestic servants in Thailand last week his team decided to take the week off as well putting up 62 points against the Garter Snakes. BWKNBNC made multiple attempts to contact him but he is either in a Bangkok prison or sailing his Yacht in the middle of the Pacific.

Pants or Socks first? – I let Felipe decide, he dresses me how he wants and I dress him how I want.

FIRST ROUND PLAYOFF PREVIEW

NE JoCo Garter Snakes (9-4) VS Keckism Killers (6-6-1) –

What a great game in the first round of the playoffs as 2 arch rivals take the field with everything on the line. In week 10 the Killers were riding high having just scored 141 points and won or tied 6 of their last 8 games. Since then the team from North of the River has failed to score 80 points in 3 consecutive weeks but still snuck into the playoffs with a .500 record. 

The Killers do have some quality Ball Players like Mike Evans, Deandre Hopkins and Melvin Gordon but that’s about it. Meanwhile in NE JoCo the Garter Snakes have been on a tear winning 8 straight games behind all world QB Lamar Jackson and 3 top 11 running backs.

Prediction – The Snakes have too much firepower for the Killers. Snakes 115, Killers 89

I Touchdown There (9-3-1) VS Roughing The Kooch (6-6-1)

As Ditka’s GM Matt Settles pointed out earlier this week this first round matchup could have easily been a Beer Pong game at Lee Street in 2007 instead of a KSFBFFL game in 2019. The Touchdowns showed they still have some fight left in them as they put up 103 points last week which led to this bold statement by Coach Brundgart “We dominated the Kooch’s in week 3 and will dominate them again. We are not worried about the Leghounds in the 2^nd round either but the Footlongs and Snakes both have good teams”.

Prediction – Rodgers/Chubb/Elliott carry the Touchdowns to a big win. Touchdowns 98, Kooch’s 71.