Week 5 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of God's Country

Look at the big guy go! Stans! Hey Alrighty! Shooting up the power rankings this weekend like a coke can out of Jason Collin's butt hole!

Stud's

1. 50 Shades of Taint, 4-0

The Taint's put on a dominating performance this week including an amazing 65 points left on the bench. If Frank Gore can continue improving the sky is the limit according to GM Sven Murphy "Definitely, if Gore can keep up with AD this team is Hard to beat". Vegas odd's put the Taints as early favorite to take home another championship.

2. FireChefs, 3-1

The FireChef's had an off week putting up on 91 points but eeked out a 2 point victory over the Mothers. With 72% of their points coming from 3 players last week GM Justin Van Heche has been hitting the phones trying to find some depth. As long as Peyton Manning is at the helm this team can beat anyone though.

Milk Dud's

3. Matt Millen Is My GM, 3-1

The Millens Storm up the rankings this week after a come from behind victory over the Dawgs. AJ Yellow(5), Darren McFadden (2) and Newly acquired RB CJ Spiller(7) all had off weeks but luckily Drew Bree's did his best Bill Brasky impression and put the team on his back. Look for new addition Ryan Matthews to get significant minutes next weekend.

4. Team Mckinney, 2-2

The Fighting McKinney's had a solid week scoring 103 points but still got soundly beaten by 50 Shades. Four weeks of frustration at RB forced GM Pearce McKinley to deal Julian Thomas for RB Fred Jackson in a desperate bid to get some production.

5. I Touchdown There, 3-1

Escaping by the Chin of their Chinny Chin Chins the Touchdowns notched a W over the Johnny Footballs relying strongly on Matt Ryan(22) and Victor Cruz(22). Newly acquired RB Bernard "Backup" Pearce put a goose egg on the board for the Touchdowns.

6. DezRespect Your Mother, 2-2

Four Points is all the separates the 2-2 Mothers from being undefeated. RB Doug Martin needs to lock it up this week if the Mothers want the W. New addition Julian Edelman put up a solid 11 points in his debut with the Mothers and GM Casey Wayne was impressed "He looked good out there, he was a late week addition and should have a better grasp of the playbook next week"

7. Polygamy Pounders, 2-2

Putting up an impressive 119 points this week the pounders have slid up a bit in the rankings. Their team is hot and cold and could benefit from some stability at the QB Position. RB Darren Sproles(23 pts last week) put it this way "Tttt-hheey, ttheey, need to ttttooo ppp-ppiiccck oone"

8. West Canaan Coyotes, 2-2

Woo-Wee, this team is one John Moxson esque QB away from being a legit contender. Andy Dalton is not the solution and QB but GM Elk Musk Poole should have time to figure it out as long as RB Marshawn Lynch and Tony G keep putting up good numbers. When asked about his QB Position GM Poole said "Shhhh, be wvery wvery qwuiet, I'm Hwunting waabbits"

Super Pud's

9. Dixieland Three Fifthers, 1-3

The Talent is there but the 3/5'rs have yet to hit on all cylinders. Look for Team President Ben Keck to shake things up a bit, they have already acquired STUD TE Julius Thomas from the Fightin McKinneys.

10. Puff Puff Pass, 1-3

It wasn't pretty last week folks, besides Tom Brady and Lesean McCoy this team is desperately lacking in Talent. GM Austin "The Maid" Meyers is not happy and vowed that things will change soon.

11. Johnny Footballs, 1-3

Tough loss for the Footballs as they put up a solid 95pts but got the L. Keeper pick Ray Rice has been less than productive this year but GM Jennnnny Trupka likes him on the squad "He is very handy around the house! Sometimes I need him to reach deep into places Tristy, well, places where Tristy just can't reach very deep."

12. Raw Dawg, 0-4

This team has the talent but just can't buy a W. This could be a make or break week for the Dawgs as they take on the undefeated Taints. If they fall to 0-5 this season is essentially over.



This Week's Matchup's


5 Stars

The FireChefs(3-1) vs I Touchdown There(3-1)

A battle of two top teams this week. If the Touchdowns want some respect in the power rankings they will to take down the Mighty FireChefs. Look for Peyton and Crew to take care of business, FireChefs by 13.

3 Stars

West Caanan Coyotes(2-2) vs DezRespect Your Mother(2-2)

The Coyotes are suddenly a respectable ball club and face a desperate Mother's team on a 2 game skid. I predict the Mothers come out swinging and get a big W.

Polygamy Pounders(2-2) vs Matt Millen Is My GM(3-1)

The Fightin Matt Millens could climb into "STUD" territory this week but face a suddenly revitalized Pounders. This will be a dawg fight but in my expert* opinion the Millens just have too many weapons, Pounders lose by 4.

2 Stars

Puff Puff Pass(1-3) vs Team McKinney(3-1)

Not much intrigue here but the Puff Puff Pass's may have some new players suiting up by gametime.....McKinney by 23.

1 Star

Johnny Footballs(1-3) vs Dixieland Three Fifthers(1-3)

Crap teams in a crap game. You guyz probably shouldnt even watch this game because the score is probably going to change alot and I'll probably give myself a 10 point bonus for putting together such a great write up this week. Three Fifthers by 12.

Blurbs and Blubs

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of God's Country

Welcome to the first installment of "Blurbs and Blubs" your periodic peek around the league.



What to Watch for Tonight-

• The Firechefs need 26 pts from Peyton get a win over the Johnny Footballs. 
• The Fighting Matt Millen's started the day with a 5 point lead over the Taints but will need a huge day from Darren McFadden to hold off the Taints 3 players going tonight. 

Trade Talks?

• GM Pearce McKinley has indicated that TE Julian Thomas is on the block and he is reviewing several offers. If Thomas continues to play well his trade value will only increase. 
• Puff Puff Pass has tired of WR Cecil Shorts substance abuse and are looking to move him according to multiple sources.
• Another keeper from last year that may be on the block is Touchdowns RB CJ Spiller. 
• The suddenly vulnerable Firechefs are in desperate need of another RB after Reggie Bush's injury, look for GM C.W. to "Explore all options" in the coming weeks. 
• The Raw Dawg's have dug themselves a deep 0-3 hole and plan to shore up their receiving core before the end of the month. 
• Out in Utah the fans are growing disenchanted with their current 3 QB carousel, a couple of other GM's have hinted that Russel Wilson, Colin Kapernick and Alex Smith are all on the block. 
• Has Darryl Richardson fallen out of favors with the Fighting Matt Millen's?
• 
  

Dissapointing Starts-

• Just weeks after being crowned the top GM of K-State's Finest Bro's Keane Horner is sweating bullets after a 1-2 start. He released this statement exclusively to BWKNBNC "Look for shakeups in the near future, especially if the Pounders fall to 1-3. This kind of performance is unacceptable and as the greatest GM in the history of the KSFBFFBL, this kind of under performing cannot and will not be tolerated. Players will need to earn their place in Utah in the coming weeks"
• The Dawgs have dug themselves a 0-3 hole and put up a measly 35 points this week. GM Matt Murphy says "No doubt we are in a hole, but that is when its time to put on the boots and dig ourselves out"
• The Dixieland 3/5r's eeked out a 1 point victory over DezRespect Your Mother to narrowly avoid a 0-3 start. We couldn't reach GM Ben Keck for comment but his K-9 Director Of Fan Experience Lady gave us this quote "CAN WE WALK? IS IT TIME FOR FOOD? WATCH ME CHASE MY TAIL, HAHAHAHAHAHA! CAN WE WALK?"

Week 3 Power Rankings

1. The Firechefs- 2-0

The Firechefs put up another great showing last week but can they keep it up? Injury problems are already starting to pile up and the season is long. When reached for comment about their current injury issues Brooke and Justin simply responded "Its Bad"

2. Dezrespect your Mother- 2-0

The Mothers are HOT HOT HOT after scoring an impressive 118 points last week. With 6 starters ranked in the Top 10 of their respective position group this could be a season for the ages out on Lake Lotawana.

3. 50 Shades of Taint- 2-0

Despite Adrian Petersinmymouth measley 8 point performance The Taints cruised to an easy victory over #1 all time GM Keane Cheese. If Giovani Bernard can turn in to a stud ole Sven Murphy could be hoisting back to back trophys.

4. Team McKinney- 1-1

Hot potatoes! That was an impressive performance to win a shootout against the dawg last week.. Despite only 5 combined points from his RB's the McKinneys got the W and shot up in the power rankings.

5. Matt Millen is My GM- 2-0

Matt Millen's youngster's are 2-0 but they haven't faced very many tough challenges so far. Big game coming up this week against the #3 Taints.

6. I Touchdown There- 1-1

The Touchdowns cooled off this week and suddently have an Injury Crisis with Steven Jackson and Eddie Lacy out with Hemmroids.

7. Raw Dawgs - 0-2

Despite averaging over 100pts per game the Dawgs have yet to notch a W. I'm starting to have flashbacks to 2010 when Mike Vick Led Iraqi's Most Wanted to the Title Game before the terrorist attacks. Look for the Dawgs to pick up an easy win next week against puff puff pass.

8. Dixieland 3/5'rs - 0-2

The Dixielander's are 0-2 Despite averaging over 90 points a game and with the #2 Mothers coming to town next week they need to lock it up to avoid a devestating 0-3 start.

9. West Caanan Coyotes- 1-1

The Coyotes got the W last week while only scoring a measly 73 points. GM Elk Musk Poole will need more production from players not named Marshawn Lynch if they want to take down the Touchdowns next week.

10. Polygamy Pounders- 1-1

Is this the year the Pounders finally miss the playoffs? They got embarrased last week by the Taints and face an uncertain future with Larry Fitzgerald and Dez Bryant both injured.

11. Puff Puff Pass - 0-2

This team has some Talent with Tom Brady, Lesean McCoy and Vernon Davis but they cant seem to get everyone rolling.

12. Johnny Footballs- 0-2

Have you even checked your team this year?

Week 2 Power Rankings

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All Time Rankings(Football)

We hear the talk all the time.

"Your a shit fantasy owner" "Your team is hot garbage who couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag"

"Did Stevie Wonder pick your team?"

"I hope you have retarded children"

But how do we know who the best fantasy owner really is? Is it the team with the most titles? The team that has made the playoffs every year? What about the crap teams at the bottom of the league? Is Pearce really a better GM than Casey?

Thankfully your faithful GM's Ben Keck and Stevie Murphy took some time out of their busy days of PornHub/GoEmaw/Banging Chicks(Steve)/Rosterbating to rank every fantasy owner.

Quick Scoring Breakdown

Low is good.

Each team is assigned a score from 1-12 in 4 categories with the highest ranked team receiving a 1 and the lowest ranked team receiving a 12. If there is a tie that cannot be easily decided both teams are awarded the same number.

Each category is weighted with importance, Total championships count for 40% of your total score while Winning Percentage/Points Per Year/Playoff Win Percentage each count for 20%.

A perfect score would be 1.25.

Add everything up and we have a good overall picture of just who the best Fantasy GM's are....and some of the results may SHOCK YOU.


Overall Stats

Championships 40% of score

1.       Ben Keck – 2* (2008/9)

2.       Steve Murphy – 1 (2012)

3.       Keane Horner – 1 (2011)

The first category we chose was championships...everyone knows you can't be #1 without winning a title so we made this category worth 40% of your total score. Ben Ji has the tie breaker over Steve and Keane due to his helms title from 2008. ***2010 Title was destroyed in a Terrorist Attack***

Scoring Example- Ben Ji received a 1, Steve/Keane received a 2, Everyone else received a 4. 

Win % 20% of score

1.       Steve Murphy – .673

2.       Keane Horner – .654

3.       Matt Murphy – .641

4.       Mike Brungardt – .538^

5.       Justin VanHecke – .500

6.       Jason Stanley – .481

7.       Austin Meyers – .462^

8.       Ben Keck – .423

9.       Pearce McKinley – .410

10.   Casey Walker – .385

11.   Harrison Poole – .365

12.   Tristan Trupka – .359

Since we have had a couple expansion/relocation's after the Terrorist attacks of 2010 we decided to use winning percentage over total wins in order adequately represent our new owners. The big surprise here is that two time champion Ben Ji Keck has a below .500 career record. 

Total Points (Per Year Avg.) 20% of score

1.       Keane Horner – 1,236

2.       Matt Murphy – 1,198

3.       Steve Murphy – 1,173

4.       Casey Walker – 1,148

5.       Pearce McKinley – 1,132

6.       Jason Stanley – 1,120

7.       Justin VanHecke – 1,118

8.       Austin Meyers – 1,115^

9.       Mike Brungardt – 1,105^

10.   Ben Keck – 1,103

11.   Tristan Trupka – 1,083

12.   Harrison Poole – 1,019

Look at ole Casey Wayne up there at #4, pretty impressive for a team that has never made the playoffs...Maybe his teams have been snake bitten all these years?

Playoff W/L (Appearance %) 20% of score*Bye's count as W's

1.       Ben Keck – 3-1 (50%)

2.       Keane Horner – 5-3 (100%)

3.       Steve Murphy – 4-3 (100%)

4.       Matt Murphy – 3-3 (100%)

5.       Harrison Poole – 1-1 (25%)

6.       Justin VanHecke – 1-2 (50%)

7.       Jason Stanley – 0-1 (25%)

8.       Mike Brungardt – 0-1 (100%)^

9.       Pearce McKinley – 0-0 (0%)

10.   Tristan Trupka - 0-0 (0%)

11.   Casey Walker - 0-0 (0%)

12.   Austin Meyers - 0-0 (0%)^

The best teams get the job done when the money is on the line.


Final Rankings

#1 Keane Horner -2.2

Apparently there is nothing else to do in Utah besides Roster-Bate and drink 3.2 beer. GM Keane Horner has become the top GM in the league by way of never missing the playoffs and winning the title back in 2011.

#2 Steve Murphy- 2.8

Ole Sven Murphy is right up there with Cheese in his Manic dedication to the Craft of Fantasy Football. Just like Cheese he has made the playoffs every year and took the title back to Kansas last year. Great work all around Stevie.

#3 Matt Murphy- 4.1

Our first big surprise has the Raw Dawg Matt Murphy sitting pretty at #3. While the Dawg has never won a title he has made the playoffs and won a game each of his 3 years. Could this be the year the Dawg finally escapes from his kennel?

#4 Ben Keck- 6.05

The good news is that 2013 is an odd year and ole Ben Ji seems to excel in odd years. In 2009 he won the title and in 2011 he was the #1 seed before losing in the semifinals to Keene.  The bad news is that his teams have been a bucket of fetid sewage in even years taking last overall in 2010 and 2012.


#5 Justin Van Heche- 6.8

The definition of Average here Justin has gone 6-7/7-6/7-6/6-7 the past 4 years. Hopefully the promotion of Strength & Conditioning coach Brook Kaiser to Offensive Coordinator will allow them to compete at a new level.

#6 Jason Stanley- 7.1

Stans Stans Stans Stans. With only 1 winning season in 4 years its a wonder you are this high on the list.

#7 Mike Brungardt- 7.4

Mikey Gomez joined the league last year and has a solid 7-6 performance. A couple more good years and he could find himself a lil higher up in the rankings.

#8 Pearce McKinley- 8

3 years with no playoff appearances....At least last year was his first winning season!


#8 Casey Walker- 8

Despite averaging the 4h most points per year the Walkers have yet to have a winning season or make the playoffs. Stephanie Walker has vowed that will change this fall as she brings her Dixie mind to the organization.

#10 Austin Meyers- 8.3

Despite going 6-7 in his inaugural year the Puff Puff Pass's are pretty low on this list.

#11 Harrison Poole- 9.8

Despite going 8-5 last year Harrison Poole is near the bottom of the list after 2 disastrous years on 2010 and 2011.

#12 Tristan Trupka- 10.7

3 Years of Frustration can provide alot of momentum on a swing.

2013 Week 1 Power Rankings

Fire Bill Snyder(Unless Sams plays alot and we win)


1. 50 Shades of Taint- Steve Murphy

The Taints take the first spot atop the power rankings this year as the reigning champion. The key player from that championship run, Adrian Peterson, returns as well hoping to join the Dixieland 3/5'rs as the only team to win BACK 2 BACK titles. If Grandpa Gore and Uncle Welker can stay healthy this team has a chance at that goal.

Key Player- Giovani Benard. No idea who this guy is but for some reason Stevie thinks his shit dont stink.

2. Dixieland Three Fifthers- Ben Ji Keck

The 3/5'rs had a rough go last year but look to bounce back behind a superb stable of Running Backs including Alfred Morris, Trent Richardson and David Wilson. Starting QB Matthew Stafford is primed for a come back year and is excited to sling the rock to newly acquired recievers Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Marshal "Yeah should be cool I guess, now leave me alone dude" he said.

Key Player- David Wilson. With the pre-season Injury to Andre Ware, Wilson will look to make big things POP as the every down back. 

3. DezRespect Your Mother- Casey McIntosh

Is this the year Casey Wayne breaks through and makes the playoffs? Stud RB's Doug Martin and Jamal Charles say yes! If Andrew Luck has another stellar year and Lil Danny Amendola become's the new Wes Welker up in New England this team could be a threat to win the WHOLE DAM THING.

Key Player- Lamar Miller. Miller was recently named the starter in Miami, if he can become a top 20 back.....

4. The FireChefs- Justin Van Heche

Is this a 7 on 7 league? One would think so after looking at the this teams roster. Stud QB Peyton Manning Molloy should find plenty of open recievers between Calvin/Andre Johnson and Jordy Nelson. Who will run the ball though?

Key Player- Reggie Bush. Bush hopes a move to Detroit will help get the taste of Kayne's Dick out of his mouth.

5. Matt Millen Is My GM- Jason Scott Stanley

Can we just rename your squad "Running Backs Need Not Apply"? Luckily for Mr. Stans he's got Drew Bree's slinging the Rock to Julio Jones and AJ Yellow. If Darren McFadden can stay healthy team "Running Backs Need Not Apply" could win the first ever title for GM Stans The Man.

Key Player- DARRYL Richardson. Never heard of the guy but he has a cool name.


6. I Touchdown There- Mike Brungy(I can never remember how to spell your last name)

The Touchdown's hope new RB Steven Jackson has enough in the tank to complement super stud back CJ Spiller. If Jackson can't produce Brungy will have to hope Matt Ryan connects with Victor Cruz for some long touchdowns.

Key Player- Eddie Lacy. Lacy will be the starter in GB and could be primed for a great rookie season.

7. West Canaan Coyotes- Harri Houdini

This ball club could be a contender if everything falls in to place....C2K bounces back...Tony G still has it.....He finds a QB......Demarco Murray stays healthy......but right now there are too many question marks

Key Player- Demarco Murray. Plays for Cowboys, ask wayne about him or something.

8. Johnny Footballs- Tristan & Jenny Trupka

GM Jenny Trupka expects big things from starting QB Cam Newton this year and hopes he can carry the teams geriatrics(Ray Rice, Steve Smith) on his back.

Key Player- Montee Ball. Big fat guy from wisconsin, supposedly starting in denver.

9. Polygamy Pounders- Cheese Horner

Woof, Matt Forte/Dez Bryant/Larry Fitzgerald are the only proven performers on the team. Looks to be a rough year for socks in the Horner Household.

Key Player- Collin Kapernick. Dude sucks so bad the Coyotes cut him right after the draft.

10. Raw Dawg- Matt "Pooches" Murphy

Here is a picture of starting QB Robert Griffin's Knee

Arian Foster and MJD should be at an old folks home not on a roster...and Reggie Wayne should be dead.

Key Player- Mike Vick. If Mike D can ride Vick to a Title anything is possible for the Dawgs if Vick reclaims his 2011 form.

11. Puff Puff Pass- Austin Meyers

Besides Tom Brady this team pretty much sucks, A+ draft grade or not. If the Puff's want to make it to the playoffs they will need Lesean "Shady" McCoy to lock it the fuck up because he certainly didnt do that last year when he fucked over my entire team by being a little cry baby bitch and maybe he's not the only reason my squad won 3 games but fuck if i cant blame it all on his peice of shit bowlegged frame.

Key Player-Rashad Mendenhall. Sucked in Pittsburgh, will prob suck in Arizona as well.

12. Team McKinney- Pearce "Blouse" McKinney

Keeping Ridley was dumb but starting Micheal Bush opposite him was dumber. Look for GM Pearce Pearce to start dismantling his squad for draft picks around week 7.

Key Player- Stevie Ridley. I dare you to prove me wrong.

2013 Fantasy Baseball Playoff Breakdown

Locks-
These teams are looking to take care of business this week to improve their seeding in the playoffs.

Paddle Your Own Cano (13-8)- The Cano's face off against the Buttlicks this week with the #1 playoff seed on the line.  The Cano's own the tiebreaker over the Fisters and will be the #1 seed with a win, if they lose and the Fisters lose they will be the #2 seed.

Billy Buttlicks (13-8) - The Buttlicks are in the same boat as the Cano's but do not hold a tiebreaker over the Fisters. If the Buttlicks and Fisters both win the Buttlicks will be the #2 Seed.

Furbush Fisters (13-8)- The Fisters have a tough challenge this week against Rebel Yell but if they win they still have a chance at the top playoff spot as long as the Cano's lose. If they lose and The Buttlicks lose they will have the Tiebreaker and take the #2 seed.

PV Predators (11-10)- Might as well pencil the predators into the playoffs as they have an easy matchup against the Elephants this week, if they win they will be the #4 seed. If they lose they could fall all the way to a 5/6 seed if  Rebel Yell and The Los Gringos Blancos both Win. Luckily for GM Old Man River they hold the tie breaker over the the Pooches so even with a loss they will still make the playoffs.

Work Left To Do-

The midseason Tie between the Blancos and Yell makes this pretty easy.

Rebel Yell (10-10-1)- Win and they are in. If Rebel Yell chokes this week they will need either a Blanco's or Pooche's loss to make the playoffs.

Los Gringos Blancos (10-10-1)- Win and they are in. If The Blanco's choke on a Kapernick sized cock they will have to hope the Pooches lose as well since Rebel Yell holds the Tiebreak over them.

Penn Valley Pooches (10-11) - A midseason ownership change reinvigorated the Pooches but they still need some help to make the playoffs. If they win and either Rebel Yell or Los Gringos Blanco's lose then they will live to play another week.


Projected Seeding

#1 Winner of Cano/Buttlicks or Fisters if Buttlicks win and Fisters win
#2 Loser of Cano/Buttlicks or Fisters
#3 Loser of Cano/Buttlicks or Fisters
#4 PV Predators
#5 Rebel Yell
#6 Los Gringos Blancos