Week 5 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of God's Country

Look at the big guy go! Stans! Hey Alrighty! Shooting up the power rankings this weekend like a coke can out of Jason Collin's butt hole!

Stud's

1. 50 Shades of Taint, 4-0

The Taint's put on a dominating performance this week including an amazing 65 points left on the bench. If Frank Gore can continue improving the sky is the limit according to GM Sven Murphy "Definitely, if Gore can keep up with AD this team is Hard to beat". Vegas odd's put the Taints as early favorite to take home another championship.

2. FireChefs, 3-1

The FireChef's had an off week putting up on 91 points but eeked out a 2 point victory over the Mothers. With 72% of their points coming from 3 players last week GM Justin Van Heche has been hitting the phones trying to find some depth. As long as Peyton Manning is at the helm this team can beat anyone though.

Milk Dud's

3. Matt Millen Is My GM, 3-1

The Millens Storm up the rankings this week after a come from behind victory over the Dawgs. AJ Yellow(5), Darren McFadden (2) and Newly acquired RB CJ Spiller(7) all had off weeks but luckily Drew Bree's did his best Bill Brasky impression and put the team on his back. Look for new addition Ryan Matthews to get significant minutes next weekend.

4. Team Mckinney, 2-2

The Fighting McKinney's had a solid week scoring 103 points but still got soundly beaten by 50 Shades. Four weeks of frustration at RB forced GM Pearce McKinley to deal Julian Thomas for RB Fred Jackson in a desperate bid to get some production.

5. I Touchdown There, 3-1

Escaping by the Chin of their Chinny Chin Chins the Touchdowns notched a W over the Johnny Footballs relying strongly on Matt Ryan(22) and Victor Cruz(22). Newly acquired RB Bernard "Backup" Pearce put a goose egg on the board for the Touchdowns.

6. DezRespect Your Mother, 2-2

Four Points is all the separates the 2-2 Mothers from being undefeated. RB Doug Martin needs to lock it up this week if the Mothers want the W. New addition Julian Edelman put up a solid 11 points in his debut with the Mothers and GM Casey Wayne was impressed "He looked good out there, he was a late week addition and should have a better grasp of the playbook next week"

7. Polygamy Pounders, 2-2

Putting up an impressive 119 points this week the pounders have slid up a bit in the rankings. Their team is hot and cold and could benefit from some stability at the QB Position. RB Darren Sproles(23 pts last week) put it this way "Tttt-hheey, ttheey, need to ttttooo ppp-ppiiccck oone"

8. West Canaan Coyotes, 2-2

Woo-Wee, this team is one John Moxson esque QB away from being a legit contender. Andy Dalton is not the solution and QB but GM Elk Musk Poole should have time to figure it out as long as RB Marshawn Lynch and Tony G keep putting up good numbers. When asked about his QB Position GM Poole said "Shhhh, be wvery wvery qwuiet, I'm Hwunting waabbits"

Super Pud's

9. Dixieland Three Fifthers, 1-3

The Talent is there but the 3/5'rs have yet to hit on all cylinders. Look for Team President Ben Keck to shake things up a bit, they have already acquired STUD TE Julius Thomas from the Fightin McKinneys.

10. Puff Puff Pass, 1-3

It wasn't pretty last week folks, besides Tom Brady and Lesean McCoy this team is desperately lacking in Talent. GM Austin "The Maid" Meyers is not happy and vowed that things will change soon.

11. Johnny Footballs, 1-3

Tough loss for the Footballs as they put up a solid 95pts but got the L. Keeper pick Ray Rice has been less than productive this year but GM Jennnnny Trupka likes him on the squad "He is very handy around the house! Sometimes I need him to reach deep into places Tristy, well, places where Tristy just can't reach very deep."

12. Raw Dawg, 0-4

This team has the talent but just can't buy a W. This could be a make or break week for the Dawgs as they take on the undefeated Taints. If they fall to 0-5 this season is essentially over.



This Week's Matchup's


5 Stars

The FireChefs(3-1) vs I Touchdown There(3-1)

A battle of two top teams this week. If the Touchdowns want some respect in the power rankings they will to take down the Mighty FireChefs. Look for Peyton and Crew to take care of business, FireChefs by 13.

3 Stars

West Caanan Coyotes(2-2) vs DezRespect Your Mother(2-2)

The Coyotes are suddenly a respectable ball club and face a desperate Mother's team on a 2 game skid. I predict the Mothers come out swinging and get a big W.

Polygamy Pounders(2-2) vs Matt Millen Is My GM(3-1)

The Fightin Matt Millens could climb into "STUD" territory this week but face a suddenly revitalized Pounders. This will be a dawg fight but in my expert* opinion the Millens just have too many weapons, Pounders lose by 4.

2 Stars

Puff Puff Pass(1-3) vs Team McKinney(3-1)

Not much intrigue here but the Puff Puff Pass's may have some new players suiting up by gametime.....McKinney by 23.

1 Star

Johnny Footballs(1-3) vs Dixieland Three Fifthers(1-3)

Crap teams in a crap game. You guyz probably shouldnt even watch this game because the score is probably going to change alot and I'll probably give myself a 10 point bonus for putting together such a great write up this week. Three Fifthers by 12.