Ben Ji

140 Miles East of God's Country

Week 4 Power Rankings!

Wow folks! What a start to the first 3 weeks of the 13th edition of the Kansas State's Finest Bros Fantasy Football League! Before we get to the much anticipated power rankings lets take a minute to recognize some STUDS and DUDS of this last week. First up the STUDS

STUDS - This week's STUD award is a 3 way tie as Ben Keck, Michael Brungy and Mattias Settle are all undefeated after the first 3 games. Great work by all the STUDS! 

DUD - This week's DUD is Justin Van Heche who is the only person who has not paid his fantasy football dues yet. C'mon Juice, figure it out and stop being a DUD!  

1. Biden Pulls Out (3-0)

The crowd on W 75th street was 4 inches deep and full of waving flags as the Pull Outs returned home from their heart stopping .1 point victory over the Kooch's last week. Coach Lady was showered with dog bones but stopped for a quick word with reporters "WE ARE BACK" she said before taking a giant dump in front of her adoring fans. It certainly looks so as the Pull Outs appear likely to cruise to their 3rd overall title but first since 2009. 

2. I Touchdown There (3-0)

Down in in the Big D the Touchdowns put up another W despite some lackluster play by Ty'Son Williams "We expected big things from Ty'Son this week against the 32nd ranked run defense but it just didn't pan out." Luckily for Coach Brungy the rest of his team all put up solid performances and he kept his record a perfect 3-0. 

3. The Huge Ditkas (3-0)

We head up to Chicago next as the HUGE Ditka's made quick work of the reeling Footlongs to advance to 3-0. Coach Mattias Settle may have found the steal of the draft in Jamar Chase who already has 4 TD catches this year. Coach Settle expected rookie QB Justin Fields to put some heat on starting QB Jalen Hurts but so far has been less than impressed "We thought Fields was ready for more time in our offense but after his performance last week we are sticking with Jalen as our #1"

4. PV Leghounds (2-1)

Is this the year that Leghound fans in PV finally get to cheer for a championship team? The Leghounds are averaging 117 points a game and cruised to an easy victory over the Lake Rats last weekend. BWKNBNC was able to reach owner Molly McKinney for a comment "Lake Rats? More like Lake Bitches, maybe come to play next time? Lil Kyler is red hot and I don't see us losing another game". Bold words from an owner without a title if you ask me. 

5. Cleveland Steamers (1-2) 

Despite scoring over 100 points each week the Steamers of Falcon Valley finally picked up their first win of the season over the hapless puff's. "It was a tough start to the season and we definitely got the best out of each of our first 2 opponents...but anytime you have Davante Adams catching balls for your team you have a competitive squad" Coach Moose told us. It also helps when you have a running back like Lamar Jaxson who is eligible to start in the QB slot. 

6. Roughing the Kooch (1-2) 

Critics are pointing out that making his defense practice without water all of last week may have contributed to Playboy owner Scott Harris losing a heartbreaker by .1 points to the Pull Outs "The last 2 weeks are all on on our defense, they scored zero and 7 points. My hot sexy Matthew Stafford and his Muscly Amish/Greek god of a receiver Cooper Kupp cant do it all god dam it". Looks like it could be another dry week of practice up in the Pacific NorthWest. 

7. The Firechiefs (1-2) 

The lil ol Firechefs picked up their first W of the year and have quietly put together a solid ball club that is averaging over 100 points a game. Unfortunately they are ineligible for the playoffs unless they PAY THEIR GOD DAM DUES.  

8. Lotawanna Lake Rats (1-2)

Despite a breakout game from Michael Williams the fourth the Lake Rats have lost their 2nd straight game and things have been getting dicey out at Lake Lotawana as boat parades have been making their way past the Walker dock shouting expletives at owner Casey Walker. "Hey Ben, I know it was you making circles by my dock in Byrons boat. The community is still behind us" Coach Walker said oblivious to the resentment building around Lake Lotawana. 

9. The Dem in Dementia (1-2)

The defending champs took a step back last week but championship coach Matt Murphy never counts himself out for the year as long as his best player is still healthy "Gnao is a fucking stud man. Yeah he is a kicker but he is the best player on my team after I traded all of my draft picks for some alone time with The Martin". The Dem's face another tough matchup next week against the undefeated Ditkas. 

10. Keckism Killers (1-2)

A paltry 60 points in Week 2 had Coach Aces Stanley shutting off media access to his team but that didn't prevent them from another disappointing performance in week 3 as they lost to the Touchdowns. The only bright side for the Killers is that they have the opportunity to kick the shit out of this weeks DUD the Firechefs next week. 

11. Puff Puff Pass (0-3)

The Puff's fell for a 3rd straight time last weekend but Coach Puff Meyers has fallen head over heels for TE TJ Hockenson. "The whole team is built around him and his great flow, my god. I haven't seen lettuce that nice since I was 12. He will be doing head and shoulders commercials with Pat and Troy within the next year". 

12. Farve Dollar Footlongs (0-3)

What is there to say about the footlongs at this point? Last year they traded a dealers choice of draft picks only to miss the playoffs and now they are paying the price and taking their licks from everyone in the league. Next up is the Touchdowns who expect the Footlongs to bend over and take it like a bitch "Our players were out late last weekend for Charlies birthday and I would love to say we bounce back next week...but thats not going to happen. The whole team is for sale" says GM Sven Murphy. 

2021 KSFBFFL SEASON PREVIEW

 Ben ji
140 miles east of Gods Country

2021 KSFBFFL PREVIEW

Biden Pulls Out – 

After a disappointing 2020 season Legendary Owner Ben Keck has renamed his squad to honor president Joe Biden's pull out game. "Look, pulling out is not something anyone ever wants to do. It sucks and it doesn't feel nearly as good as staying in but sometimes its your only option" Keck said. The Pull Outs have already lost #36 overall draft pick Gustavo Edwards to a torn ACL but are still loaded with talented players like Derrick Henry, Josh Jacobs, Josh Allen and more. "Obviously it hurt when Edwards went down and we are still looking into the cause. Rumor has it a scout from the Keckism Killers was seen spraying our practice field with WD-40 the night before, rest assured the league is looking into it". When asked about his teams vaccination policy Keck replied "All of them. Moderna, Pfrizer. J&J. They've had all 3 and will get some booster shots come december."

 

Prairie Village Football Team –

 

Is this the year the Football Team finally brings the Martin home to W 70^th St? GM Lola McKinney thinks they have a good shot “With Aaron Jones and Austin Ekeler leading the way we have high expectations. If we can stay healthy we are expecting a deep playoff run this season”. We asked Lola about rumors regarding star QB Lil Kyler Murray encouraging his teammates to use horse de-wormer instead of getting the vaccine “It’s true we had a disturbance at the start of camp but our team doctors clarified some misinformation out there and encouraged all our players to get vaccinated”. Look for the Football team so have another solid yet under achieving 2021 season. 

 

The Firechiefs –

The Firechefs are a has been franchise who bitch about the media's lack of coverage but then never respond when the media reaches out for comments. 

 

I Touchdown There –

 

“Pat is the heart and soul of this team” Coach Brungy said “But our title hopes ride on our decision to bring Zeke back after cutting him loose this offseason”. With Stefon Diggs leading the WR core the Touchdowns may be primed for a deep run unless their decision to not mandate their players get a covid vaccine comes back to haunt them. We asked Coach Brungy about this decision “Look, we had a tremendous offseason and have already declared victory over Covid by getting all the players infected in early July. While we believe the Vaccine will give us the best chance to field a full and healthy team all year we are not mandating it. The government does not control our lives!”

 

Cleveland Steamers –

Two time Champ Tristan Trupka is always a threat to win the martin but apparently does not believe his QB Lamar Jackson is a true leader "Look, Lamar is a hell of a QB but keep him the hell away from a microphone". The Steamers return veteran DeVonte Adams and will be leaning on him to calm the nerves of younger steamers before the start of the season "Alot of players are nervous about their first time performing a Cleveland Steamer, DeVonte has been there and done that and will show them that its really not a big deal, clean up is easier than it looks". In regards to his team's vaccination policy Tucker said "We stopped all vaccinations after reaching 69% of the team"...Nice

Roughing the Kooch –

 

The Kooch’s recently relocated to the Seattle area after being banned from the state of Oregon for flicking hot pennies at homeless people. “It was a complete misunderstanding” Playboy Owner Scott Harris said while petting his tame Bobcat Gerome “But we are not here to speak about that. Let me tell you about my squad. We had a great draft and are really a well-balanced team which will pay dividends as the season progresses. Keep an eye on that Cooper Kupp kid for a breakout season, he looks like an Amish guy and that means he has god on his side”. We asked Scott if there was any truth to a mandatory PED program program being instituted this off season and if it included vaccinations "My boys are well honed killing machines, the Wuhan Flu will be the least of their concerns"

 

Keckism Killers –

 

Coach Jason “Big Mac” Stanley is a confident man heading into the opening weekend “We feel like we have a football team that could make some noise, we expect to be in the playoffs and we expect to compete for Championships”. Its been a couple of years since the Killers have competed for a championship but Coach Big Mac thinks Tyreek Hill can get his team back in contention “He’s a heck of a player that Tyreek, the heart and soul of our team and we expect him to be the top receiver in the league this year”. Unfortunately for the Killers their RB’s are weaker than a 90 year old overweight covid patient…In regards to his team being prepared for any covid related issues Big Mac refused to address the question “This is a professional and championship level organization and we do not disclose medical information”.

 

Farve Dollar Footlongs –

Despite missing the playoffs last year the Footlongs were missing 2 of their first 5 picks. "It was rough" Coach Svenika said "But Charlie worked his ass off, slept outside for 2 weeks straight leading up to the draft just pouring through research and we like the result". The Footlongs 2020 season started a downward spiral last season when Run CMC went down and they are looking for a healthy season out of their top playmaker. When asked if there was any potential for a covid outbreak this season Svenika responded "No worries here, our team has been 100% "Vaccinated" via bleach and copious amounts of steroids and HGH" 

 

The Huge Ditkas –

 

Coach Settle is expecting a rebuilding year but hopes to still be competitive with Alvin Kamara on the squad “Alvin will have the team on his back this year but we are hoping new comer Jalen Hurts can shoulder some of that burden”. The big city liberals up in Chicago are getting impantient with the Ditkas lack of success after their title run a couple of years ago so expect attendance to be light if they do enter another rebuilding year. When it comes to Covid related issues Settle isn’t worried about it “All summer long we shared the same message. You’re a dick if you get sick without a prick”

 

The Dem in Dementia –

 

The fighting dawgs went all in to win the Martin last year and will have an uphill battle to compete this year due to a lack of draft picks but GM Matt Murphy is not worried. "This is a rebuilding year after our championship season. It's not looking good on paper but these kids have alot of heart". The Dem's are led by veteran players Travis Kelsey and Julio Jones but the dawg expect big things from some young guns. "Hubert and DeVonta Smith have both looked great in camp so far, I think the Vaccine shot our team doctor gave them had a little extra in it (wink wink)". When asked about the teams vaccination policy Murphy said "As the owner, I was forced to get vaxed upon moving cities by commissioner lady but I leave it up to my players to do what's best for them. Communism isn't one of our core principles". 

 

Lotowana Lake Rats –

The Lake Rats made a surprise run to the championship game last year but things are looking bleak out at Lake Lotawana as Casey Couldn't even take 5 minutes out of his day to respond to the media's request for comments. 

Puff Puff Pass -

When reached for comment all Coach Meyers could say was "I blame Auto Draft" 

KSFBFFL Semi Final Preview

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

KSFBFFL Semi Final Preview

It was all chalk in the first round of the playoffs as the TD's and Garter Snakes both advanced with ease. How will things shake out this weekend in the semifinals?

NE JoCo Garter Snakes VS Farve Dollar Footlongs

The Footlongs stellar regular season saved them from what surely would have been a first round exit last week as they scored a paltry 61 points. This week they take on the red hot Garter Snakes who have won 6 straight games. General Manager Svennika is not concerned though and had this to say about his matchup this week “We feel that Charlie gives us an edge from a coaching perspective but are dealing with a few unexpected roster changes. We have cut kicker Brett Maher and are currently holding tryouts for a new foot fairy. Secondly Coach Charlie has not made his decision on which QB will be starting. We didn’t expect to have a QB controversy at this point in the season but we are confident our beloved canine will make the right decision. I predict a 113-96 win for the Footlongs.”

Meanwhile in NE Johnson County Coach Lady is on thin ice after a piss poor performance pheasant hunting last weekend. We caught up with her in her kennel to ask if the pressure is getting to her “Pressure? From Fantasy Football? I can coach this team in my sleep. What I can’t do is run around in a field full of grass that is 3 times taller than me while my asshole owner shoots a shotgun over my head. Its like WTF, you expect me to sniff out some wild birds and then after a big BANG put them in my mouth and bring them back? I don’t even like fireworks…Whatever, I’ll win the Martin for Ben and hopefully he will let me sleep next to that instead of a shotgun. Look for the Snakes to pull off a 125-103 win”

BWKNBNC Prediction – Garter Snakes keep the train rolling and the footlongs flounder. Garter Snakes 118, Footlongs 91

I Touchdown There VS Prairie Village Leg Hounds

After sending the Kooch’s to a first round exit the Touchdowns were a little confused on who they were playing next and gave us a preview of how they plan to beat the Garter Snakes….After being reminded they still have to play the Leg Hounds this week GM Mike Brungy was less than concerned “The TD’s are not worried about the Leghounds…Molly will have something very important for Pearce Pearce to do like take Lola to the spa or something and distract him from coaching his team. TD’s by 25 points.”

The Leg Hounds spent last weekend with their legs kicked up on the couch and still managed to put up an impressive 140 points. With another trip to the championship game on the Line GM Pearce McKinney was not worried about his matchup against the TD’S. “Come over to my closet and let me know you something” he said “See that? Bridesmaid dress from 2017. That one? Bridesmaid dress from 2014. Over there? That’s my 2013 Bridesmaid dress….Its what we do here on 70^th Ter, we make championship games and lose. This will be the TD’s last game of the season, we will win 110-85

BWKNBNC Prediction – The TD’s pull off a shocker and make their first KSFBFFL Championship game. Touchdowns 99, Leg Hounds 87.

Playoff Preview

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

KSFBFFL Playoff Preview

Power Rankings 

1. Farve Dollar Footlongs (10-3) – Led by the Great White Hope Christopher McCaffrey the Footlongs put up a league high 1355 points in the regular season and  locked up the #1 overall seed with a first round bye. Footlongs Coach Svenika Murphy was in Kansas City this weekend and had this to say about his star running back “No question that Run CMC is the big man on campus. When we drafted him it was expected that he could provide this kind of production”. 

When asked about his plans during the teams first round bye he added “The bye will give us time to rest and prepare for the buzz saw that is the Garter Snakes”. Wow, no respect for the Killers from head ball coach Svenika Murphy.

Pants or Socks First? - Socks

2. PV Leghounds (10-3) – The Leghounds jumped out to a hot start at the beginning of the season but slowly squandered their total points lead before finally being passed by the Footlongs in the last week of the season. Losing David Johnson’s production has hurt but the Leghounds still have some firepower with Aaron Jones, Travis Kelce and Michael Thomas catching passes from Russell Wilson. 

“DangerRuss is our leader and the lynch pin to our offense” Coach McKinney said over the speakerphone as he was clearly taking a shit “We have a first round bye and there is not a team in this Tournament we can’t beat”.

Pants or Socks first? – Neither, just a shirt and then Porky Pig around the house.

3. NE JoCo Garter Snakes (9-4) – “Lamar Jackson is the MVP of the Garter Snakes and the League right now and if it wasn’t for some Piss Poor decisions to start Scam Newton the first 2 games we would be the total points leader with 1357 points” A quivering Coach Lady wimpered “Ben is not happy with me and keeps threatening to shoot a shotgun over my head all weekend as punishment”.

 The Garter Snakes are the hottest team in the league right now averaging 110 PPG during their 6 game winning streak and will look to keep the momentum going this week against the Keckism Killers.

Pants or Socks First? - I’m a fucking dog, I wear a collar and that’s it.

4. I Touchdown There (9-3-1) – After reaching #1 in the Power Rankings after an 8 game win streak the Touchdowns have come back down to earth going 1-2-1 in their last 4 games. BWKNBNC called up Owner Mike Brundgardt to get a quote on insurance and also his take on how the season went. 

“Anytime you make the playoffs you did something right and #myguy Nick Chubb was a big reason for that. We knew he was going to put up some numbers but didn’t expect as much production as he gave us…Also your homeowners quote is $1200 for the year if you pay in full. What’s it gonna take to get you in this insurance plan?!?”. Can the Touchdowns Finally get their hands on the elusive Martin this year or will it be another lonely winter in Dallas?

Pants or Socks first? – Only a sociopath puts their socks on before their pants.

5. Keckism Killers (6-6-1) – “I’m going to go ahead and say it, our MVP this year was me” Coach Aces Stanley said “We auto drafted because we knew it didn’t matter who was on the field. The players didn’t care, they knew I was going to put them in the place that gave them the best chance to succeed”. 

The Killers boast 2 top 5 WR’s in Hopkins/Evans and battled their way into a playoff spot but have not scored above 79 points in their last 3 games which could mean an early exit from the post season.

Pants or Socks first? – Socks, unless I wear pants. Then Pants.

6. Roughing The Kooch (6-6-1) – As Playboy Owner Scott Harris went shopping for domestic servants in Thailand last week his team decided to take the week off as well putting up 62 points against the Garter Snakes. BWKNBNC made multiple attempts to contact him but he is either in a Bangkok prison or sailing his Yacht in the middle of the Pacific.

Pants or Socks first? – I let Felipe decide, he dresses me how he wants and I dress him how I want.

FIRST ROUND PLAYOFF PREVIEW

NE JoCo Garter Snakes (9-4) VS Keckism Killers (6-6-1) –

What a great game in the first round of the playoffs as 2 arch rivals take the field with everything on the line. In week 10 the Killers were riding high having just scored 141 points and won or tied 6 of their last 8 games. Since then the team from North of the River has failed to score 80 points in 3 consecutive weeks but still snuck into the playoffs with a .500 record. 

The Killers do have some quality Ball Players like Mike Evans, Deandre Hopkins and Melvin Gordon but that’s about it. Meanwhile in NE JoCo the Garter Snakes have been on a tear winning 8 straight games behind all world QB Lamar Jackson and 3 top 11 running backs.

Prediction – The Snakes have too much firepower for the Killers. Snakes 115, Killers 89

I Touchdown There (9-3-1) VS Roughing The Kooch (6-6-1)

As Ditka’s GM Matt Settles pointed out earlier this week this first round matchup could have easily been a Beer Pong game at Lee Street in 2007 instead of a KSFBFFL game in 2019. The Touchdowns showed they still have some fight left in them as they put up 103 points last week which led to this bold statement by Coach Brundgart “We dominated the Kooch’s in week 3 and will dominate them again. We are not worried about the Leghounds in the 2^nd round either but the Footlongs and Snakes both have good teams”.

Prediction – Rodgers/Chubb/Elliott carry the Touchdowns to a big win. Touchdowns 98, Kooch’s 71.

Week 12 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

FOOTLONGS ARE NUMBER 1! 

Footlongs Coach Steve Murphy is knows to spend hours on his throne developing a game plan.

1. Farve Dollar Footlongs (8-3) – Things are looking up in the Carolina’s where Christopher McCaffrey has led the Footlongs to a 8-3 record and a 116-79 shellacking of the Dawgs last week. GM Sven Murphy is feeling confident and believes this is his best team since the Taints won it all in 2012 “Barring any major setbacks we are confident we will lock up the 2 seed. However we are resting our young gunslinger Lil Kyler Murphy this weekend in preparation of a deep playoff run. Coach Charlie believes this team is catching fire at the right time and wanted me to pass along this message (Humps favorite stuffed animal)”. Their next 2 game are against losing teams so the first round bye is a real possibility.

2. PV Leg Hounds (9-2) – The Leg Hounds still lead the league in total points but seem to have lost a step from how they started the season. We caught up the Leg Hounds shirtless Team President Pearce McKinney as he was washing his truck and asked him about the slowdown in production “It’s Fake News” He said while lathering the bubbly soap up and down the rock hard hood of his big manly truck “We expect to lock up a first round bye and Danger Russ will bring The Martin to Prairie Village”. The Leg Hounds face some stiff competition this week as they play the Gartner Snakes but McKinney insists he knows his way around stiff snakes and shouldn’t have any difficulty “Absorbing” the Snake’s best shot.

3. NE JoCo Garter Snakes (7-4) – After vanquishing their bitter rival the Touchdowns last week the Garter Snakes are on a 4 game winning streak behind the legs of Lamar Jackson. With a big matchup this week against the Leg Hounds GM Ben Keck is ready to pull out all the stops.  “Look, we put up 97 points last week with two top 10 running backs on bye” Keck said between spits of Tobacco Juice “This McKinney guy and his leg hounds? We aren’t worried about them, Lady takes shits bigger than their mascot Lil Lola. Look for the Garter Snakes to strangle the Leg Hounds run game and win 128-95”. Bold words by a great looking GM.

4. I Touchdown There (8-3) – The Touchdowns were atop the power rankings earlier in the year but have hit a rough patch averaging 72 points per game and going 1-2 in their last 3 matchups. “We’ve let a couple of games slip away and I’m not happy about that” Coach Brungy said shaking his head in disgust “We need to have a good week of practice and finish strong over the next 2 weeks to bring some momentum into the playoffs. To encourage our team to practice harder I will be providing free sonic drinks after each good practice”.  With 2 bottom feeders coming up to finish out the season the Touchdowns are still in a good position to lock up a first round bye.

5. Roughing The Kooch (6-4-1) – Some experienced owners were licking their chops at the thought new owner Scott Harris joining the KSFBFFL but the Playboy Owner from the Pacific Northwest has proven he belongs with the big boys. We reached out to Scott Harris for his thoughts “The Kooch’s are looking forward to the playoffs. This GIF is the rest of the comment”

6. Keckism Killers (5-5-1) – The Keckism Killers have quietly worked their way into position to be the 6^th seed in the playoffs but face a tough matchup against the Kooch’s this week. We sat down next to Coach Aces Stanley at the poker table and asked for his thoughts “Look man. I auto drafted my team, lost 3 of my first 4 games and traded 2 of my best players for draft picks but here I am holding down the 6^th playoff spot. Just goes to show you how shitty a lot of these other owners are. We can lose to the Kooch’s, beat the deadbeats and still make the playoffs as long as the Puff’s and Dawgs both lose once”

7. Texas Dawgs (5-6) – After spending the 2018 season tanking for draft picks and then trading 5^th/6^th/11^th rounds picks next year the Dawgs were expecting to be contenders this year. Thigs were looking up after a 3-1 start but a recent 3 game slide has pushed them past their breaking point and we are hearing rumors that Coach Matt Murphy struck a player at halftime of their game on Sunday “I got upset at halftime and lost my cool with the players then booked a one way flight to Tahiti that left yesterday” Coach Murphy said  “I’m gone, players are on their own. We exchanged some choice words and I might of even punched Greg Zuirlien, its all a blur. I’ll be watching the team the next couple of weeks but those fellas are on their own. I’ll be back next year with a new roster and until then My son Dean will be coaching the team”

8. Puff Puff Pass (5-6) – The Puffs are still hanging around the playoff picture and could sneak in as a 6 seed if they win their next 2 games against the Footlongs and Firechiefs. Here with a comment is Puff’s coach Adrian Meyers “Amari Cooper and Michael Thomas are outscoring Davante Adams every week. This was Steve’s best chance to win the Martin but he is a piss poor manager and screwed the pooch”. Wow, strong words from a gentle lady, lets see if the Puff’s can back up their talk on the field this week against the Footlongs.

9. Deadbeat Darryls (4-7) – Residents of Lake Lottawanna are getting antsy as it looks like the Darryls will miss the playoffs for a 3^rd straight year. The Chairman of the Deadbeat Darryls fan club, Byron Moore, was recently seen running over his Darryls Jersey with his Pontiac Grand Am. When we asked him why he would do such a thing he pulled out his wallet and said “Look in here buddy, you see that cash? I piss excellence in the morning and hate that I have to cheer for a losing team. I can buy 50 more of these Jerseys if I want but I’m not spending another dime until the Darryls start winning”. Will the Darryls make moves to shake up their coaching staff once the season is over?

10. Slobb On My Cobb (4-7) – The Cobbs are in rebuilding mode and playing for next season which has the fans in Falcon Ridge unhappy. We caught up with Cobb Superfan Todd Stanley on the golf course and got his take “Its fucking bullshit” he muttered “When the Cobbs relocated to Falcon Ridge we were expecting the team that won 2 straight KSFBFFL Titles but that’s not what we got. They pissed away a shot at The Martin last year and now GM Tucker Trupka is jetting off to the Caribbean in the middle of the season instead of trying to win games.”

11. Huge Ditkas (4-7) – Some people say the high of winning The Martin can last a lifetime but that has not been the case for Button Settle and the Ditkas who have lost 5 of their last 6 games. I ran into Button at a local watering hole with his head resting on the bar surrounded by empty PBR cans so I asked him if he was going to finish the season strong for his fans “I expect to finish this season like I’ve finished the last couple of games. Alone with an empty bottle of McCormicks in my hand and a melted candle on my nightstand”. You hate to see it but I can understand where he is coming from.

12. The Firechiefs (ZERO – 11) -  It’s been a rough season on Carter Circle and GM Justin Van Heche is feeling the heat of potentially being the first KSFBFFL team to go winless “Our management is shit, our coaching is shit, our cheerleaders are fat shits and our players are shitty. The fans are tired of all the shit and are making it known. I’m just trying to get through this season so I can go out to dinner without being verbally assaulted by angry Firechief fans.”  Tough times on Carter Circle indeed.

Week 9 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

Touchdowns Are on Top! 

Touchdowns GM Mike Brungardt enjoys the perks of being #1 in the KSFBFFL Power rankings

1. I Touchdown There (7-1) – Is this this the year The Touchdowns finally break through and win the Martin? GM Mike Brungy thinks so and has traded his 3^rd round pick next year to acquire troubled running back Zeke Elliot. Here with a comment is Touchdowns Superfan Kyle Jacobs “FUCKING RIGHT WE GOT ZEKE! WE ARE THRILLED TO HAVE ZEKE JOIN THE TEAM, THAT’S A GUY YOU WANT ON YOUR SIDE WHETHER ITS ON THE FIELD OR WHEN YOU PULL OUT A SHOTGUN AND TRY AND FIND YOUR SISTERS BF!!! WHOSE DRINKING TONIGHT YOU FUCKING F****TS!?!”

2. Farve Dollar Footlongs (6-2) – The High Flying Footlongs dropped another hundred spot on the hapless Killers last week but some fans in the Carolinas are questioning whether they can win a title with Lil Kyler Murray or Baked Mayfield slinging the rock. This week’s matchup against the Gartner Snakes has Coach Charlie Murphy pulling out all the stops “Our team is led by our defense and we are working on some schemes to stop the garter snakes. Those tactics include letting chickens roam the field, removing all snacks from the visiting locker room vending machine and last but not least, dousing the field in our trade marked Coach Charlies Snake-A-Way Repellent.”

3. Texas Dawgs (6-2) – With a statement win over the Leghounds last week the Dawgs have announced to the league that they are a legitimate contender for the Martin. BWKNBNC caught up with Owner Emily Murphy at the local nail salon to get her take “We have depth and leadership on our team, when you have those 2 things the sky is the limit” she said before chastising the nail lady for taking too long.

4. Prairie Village Leghounds (6-2) – The Leghounds still lead the league in Points scored but after averaging 120 points per game in the first 5 weeks they have managed a paltry 87.6 over the last 3 games. Coach Lola Mckinney is not concerned though “The Leghounds have been dealing with some injuries lately. Don’t be surprised if we are active at the trade deadline”  

5. NE JoCo Garter Snakes (4-4) – This team is a model of consistency who has scored over 85 points in 7 of their 8 games…unfortunately their ceiling seems to be pretty low as their high score on the year is only 105pts. Team President Benjamin William Keck IV is not worried though “Look here you pissant reporter, we have the number 1 QB in PPG and our 3 RB’s are all in the top 10 of points scored. Don’t you dare question my team and get off my lawn before I go Walt Kowalski on your stupid ass”

6. Roughing The Kooch (4-3-1) – Playboy Owner Scott Harris is sailing his Yacht (Technically his crew is sailing it) in Southeast Asia this week but was kind enough to Phone into to the weekly BWKNBNC teleconference. “After a shameful AutoDraft we knew we had work to do. That meant canning a few people and making some smart waiver pickups. We had many doubters, had several trash trade offers from teams thinking they could take advantage of a new owner, but we persevered into the well oiled machines we are today…..Now if you excuse me I need to dock this Yacht in Manilla Harbor and pickup some fresh “Produce””.

7. Slobb On My Cobb (4-4) – When rumors that Zeke Elliot had been involved in another “Domestic” incident surfaced GM Jenny Trupka had enough. “Slobb on My Cobb recognizes that all genders/identities/pronouns deserve to be treated with respect and I can’t have Zeke Running around Falcon Ridge punching the cart girls. Luckily we were able to move the bad apple during this rebuilding year for a significant pick”

8. Keckism Killers (3-4-1) – Despite being only a game or two outside of the playoff picture Coach Aces Stanley has decided to hold a firesale “We live by a simple motto here on the river boat…If You Ain’t First, You’re Last”

9. The Huge Ditka’s (3-5) – Ditka’s owner Matt “Button” Settles was recently served with a restraining order by the New Orleans Police Department after camping outside of Alvin Kamara’s house for 5 days holding a prayer vigil for his health. “It didn’t work” Button Settles said “And now I can’t visit New Orleans for 6-9 Months ☹ “

10. Puff Puff Pass (3-5) – Coach Puff Meyers has pulled the plug on the season and is looking to deal some significant assets. We caught up with him on the Frisbee Golf course and he laid it our for us “Michael Thomas is the #1 WR and will be traded. Amari Cooper is the #7 WR and will be traded….It’s time to plan for next year”

11. Deadbeat Darryls (2-6) – “I’ve got a 5 month old baby and a Toddler at home, you think I have enough time to be good at Fantasy Football too?” GM Stephanie Walker said about this lost season.

12. The FireChiefs (0-8) – After having the greatest fantasy season ever in 2013 the FireChefs are trying to set the record for futility as well. No team has ever gone winless in a KSFBFFL season but the FireChefs are giving it a run this year. “Fans just never know what they are going to get with this team, its exciting!” Coach Van Heche said before he broke down and cried for a full 17 minutes. 

Week 5 Power Rankings

Ben Ji
140 Miles East of Gods Country

WEEK 5 POWER RANKINGS

1. Mississippi Leg Hounds 3-1 – Despite a tough loss last week to the Darryls the Leg Hounds hold on to the top spot in the rankings. I ran into Head Ball Coach McKinney at the local watering hole and asked him if he was looking to add any players or if his current squad was enough “We really like our team right now” he said while twiddling his hair “We have great locker room chemistry as evident by our league leading point total but we always have an ear open to any trade discussions”.

 2. Farve Dollar Footlongs 3-1 – The Footlongs put up an impressive 121 points last week to crush the rival Firechiefs. “We feel really good right now after that big W” Coach Charlie Muphy said as he licked where his balls used to be “Despite our good play we have not seen the success we projected from a couple of positions like QB and TE. We aren’t giving up on our guys yet but those are two areas we may look to target before the trade deadline. Right now all our focus is on giving the Leg Hounds a taste of their own medicine #Humptown”

3.  I Touchdown There 3-1 – BWKNBNC ran into Touchdowns owner Mike Gomez at Sonic the other day and asked him about his surprising 3-1 start “We have been quite pleased with our teams performance over the last couple of weeks. Our QB is really finding his stride and the other guys are doing what they are supposed to do” The Touchdowns have a gimme next week against the Firechiefs so they should be 4-1 without any issues.

4. Texas Dawgs 3-1 – Despite being 3-1 the Dawgs are not sitting on their laurels “Watson is off to a slow start and we may be looking for another QB, also have some work to do at the TE position” GM Dawg Murphy said at his weekly press conference (shirtless in front of a mirror) “We are in win now mode and will wait for more sellers to emerge before we make any deals”. If I know anything about the Dawgs its that they are always in win now mode and they never wait to make a deal. Is GM Dawg Murphy blowing smoke?

5. NE JoCo Garter Snakes 3-1 – Another week and another win from the sneaky garter snakes. Owner Ben Keck dropped some produce by the BWKNBNC office and had this to say about his team’s matchup with the Puff’s next week “Puffs? Pfft, more like the Puds. Our team is projected to score 99 and we will beat that by at least 15. Katy bar the door, the Garter Snakes are coming!”

6. Keckism Killers 1-3 – The Killers have the 3^rd highest point total in the league but due to some bad luck they currently sit at 1-3. “We will see what the next few weeks bring” Coach Aces Stanley said “Whatever happens over the next couple of weeks we are going to go HARD in one direction or the other”

7. Huge Ditkas 2-2 –  While not as dominant as they were last year the Ditka’s are still a force to be reckoned with as long as Kamara is healthy. With a big matchup this week against the Texas Dawgs GM Button Settles is not worried “Did you win the Martin last year? No?!? Then shut the fuck up and get out of my face AND IF YOU EVER CALL ME BUTTON SETTLES AGAIN I WILL CUT YOU.”

8. Slob on my Cobb 2-2 – “We knew this rebuilding year would be a struggle and we have a couple of workhorses in the stable who are getting fed up with our teams play” Back to Back champ Tucker Linville said while turning some wrenches in his garage. “These workhorses aren’t ready to start sucking for Tua yet and want to bring the Martin back home”. This weeks matchup against the Killers could be a do or die game for both teams.

9. Deadbeat Darryls 2-2 – Coach Wayne Walker and the Deadbeats pulled off heart stopping 1 pt win last week over the Leg Hounds and expect more of the same this week “Practice has been great but we have not executed as well on the field. We are looking forward to this weeks matchup against the Kooch’s and expect big numbers from our running game”.

10. Puff Puff Pass 1-3 – While GM Puff Meyers might be giving up on winning the title this year he does have one goal left for the season “I refuse to finish behind 1^st year coach Scott Harris. October is a big month and we need to start putting some W’s up on the board"

11. Roughing the Kooch 1-3 – First year Coach Julie Harris is still getting used to the grind of the KSFBFFL schedule “Unfortunately our team has been plagued by injuries the past few weeks. However….we have the finest back room doctors working on the players and just received a fresh supply of horse steroids from Mexico. We don’t plan on selling off any players at this point but if the Steroids are duds we may have no choice". 

12. The Firechiefs 0-4 – BWKNBNC reached out The Firechiefs team president Justin Van Hecke for his thoughts on their disappointing start “Are you serious clark? What would your thoughts be if your team was 0-4 and having one of the worst seasons in the history of fantasy football?!? EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS FOR SALE”.